This is the last posting space for the term. By Friday, 4/19/2013, you should copy and paste your Ethnography paper into a discussion posting. This posting may take up multiple posts (since many people will have papers that exceed the character count for one posting space), so do as you have all term, and divide your paper up into multiple posting slots. It is critical that you have paragraph breaks for your paper.
Once your posting is complete, you are required to complete one peer review before the close of Friday, 4/26/2013. You must review the work of a peer who doesn't already have a peer review, so it might make sense to post a message to let others know that you are reviewing someone's work. Writing a message response to a peer that says, "I will review your work, Jim," is a great way to ensure that everyone gets a peer review and that there are no duplicate reviews.
Here are the directions for the peer review. Be sure to follow all directions and paste all of your review into the discussion box(es) once finished.
Peer-Review Discourse Community Ethnography
You should
complete multiple reads of your partner’s piece (one or two reads will not cut
it).
Copy and paste the posting(s) into a
word document.
Number each paragraph and in a separate word document
write a once sentence synopsis of each paragraph’s topic and purpose. Leave
ample space between so you can write and elaborate further on each paragraph. If
a paragraph seems to be going in multiple directions, note the different
directions the paragraph takes and explore connections between divergent ideas.
Note key support for each paragraph (sometimes there will be analytical text
perpetuating an argument, and other times, there will be narrative text rendering
a story with the use of concrete details).
Evaluate how well the support/details are implemented. Is there a need
for more details to expand the narrative/story or is there a need for more
evidence or perhaps analysis of evidence to help deliver a point?
Create a
ranking system to identify which
paragraphs are most effective and which ones are less effective.
Following your discoveries and inferences from your above sections, underscore
aspects from each paragraph that needs improvement and establish criteria for
what works well in paragraphs that are strong and well developed. Look at
transitions between different paragraphs and explore ways to improve transitions
from one paragraph to the next.
Next, read
the paper once or twice more; identify and look
for a main point of theme that guides the essay. From your previous analysis, and multiple
reads, determine what central claim is being presented. If the piece is
presented more in a narrative form, the theme may be implicit rather than
explicitly stated. If the piece is analytical or argumentative, the thesis may
be more explicit, and may be directly stated.
Come up with at least two questions to help the writer think critically
about the direction of the essay. What do you as a reader want to know more
about? Where is the piece most effective
and why? Which details and part of the essay stand out as most memorable and
effective and why? Where does this piece need to be improved? Be specific in
your commentary of your peer’s work.
Ralph J Mahalak
ReplyDeleteENC 1101-oMo4
When I transferred to UCF, I found myself trying to get involved and get out there so I could meet people. By doing that I became the junior representative for Delta Sigma Phi – Iota Epsilon chapter in the Inter Fraternity Council at UCF. After my first meeting I was in and out before I knew which way was up. But after a semester of getting acclimated to the pace and the language these IFC members are accustom to, I feel I can write a quality piece of literature on what the IFC actually does.
Founded in 1909, this council looks after over 5500 chapters located on 800+ campuses in the United States and Canada with approximately 350,000 undergraduate members. A Board of Directors comprised of nine volunteers from member fraternities leads the NIC. The headquarters and professional staff are located in Indianapolis, Indiana. The Mission of IFC at UCF is: Building Better Men, to form Better Leaders, to make a Better Community. Inter Fraternity Council (IFC) is one of four governing councils that embody the Greek community and all of their organizations at UCF. The other councils being the National Pan-Hellenic Council (NPHC), Pan Hellenic Council (PHC), and Diversified Greek Council (DGC). Each of these councils represents and consists of different organizations, with IFC representing over 1500 men in 18 fraternities on campus. Meetings are held every Wednesday at 2:00PM at different Greek houses on campus each week. An executive board consisting of, a President, VP, Judicial Chair, Financial Chair, Recruitment Chair, and Marketing Chair preside over and run the meetings swiftly and with order. IFC delegates from their respective Greek organizations litter the first two rows of seating at the meetings and are the voice and authority on behalf of their organization. Sitting behind them are all JIFC reps (myself), all reps from NPHC, NPC, or DGC, and all guest speakers and visitors.
We usually begin the meetings with a guest speaker. This person usually shares anywhere from 2-5 minutes of an idea, product, or something new that Greek organizations at UCF might be interested in. All information from these meetings goes through the individual reps, which make it a very important job. If you saw a meeting you may think that the reps are being disrespectful by using their phones the entire time, when in fact they are sending out information. They are responsible for taking the knowledge they gain at these meetings, and distributing it to the appropriate people within their own organization. Texting seems to be the main line of communication from the IFC rep to their respective chapter. For something more formal or important, e-mail will most likely be warranted. And even though Facebook is such a huge part of communication in our daily lives, IFC just isn’t there yet. Earlier in the semester there was a valiant effort to make the IFC FB page a direct source of information, but the effort was not enough and so the page is rarely used.
Paragraph 1) In the first paragraph you introduce the community with its history, location, positions of power and the meeting times. With the introduction I feel you introduced your community quite well with the facts and no fluff. Getting to the point on what you are going to follow up in the paragraphs ahead is also a good aspect with this paragraph as well as it doesn’t go off in many different directions. This paragraph I will give a 6 out of 6 because of the examples, history and the flow of the facts.
DeleteParagraph 2) Following the introduction with how you brought up the meetings and the power positions talking about the meetings themselves was a good idea. Pursuing the procedures of the meetings is giving insight to the reader about what actually takes place in a meeting. With the examples given it almost paints a picture and flows like a story to where any reader can grasp the idea behind what is really going on. Elaborating on the communication within the community and tying it together with the meetings is also a very good idea. Seeing that texting is a casual action that representatives do during the meetings so the people under them can relay the messages to others as well. The second paragraph also is awarded a 6 out of 6.
Paragraph 3) Keeping the flow of the meeting atmosphere for the paper keeps everything straight with no ideas going off in different directions and in turn keeps the paper to the point. In the third paragraph getting into the specific language of the community to wrap up the paper is a very good move. Taking into account the different abbreviations that are used to simplify things and to shorten them to relay to others is a very useful tool when having to remember a lot of different information. It seems that with being a part of this group you’re able to really understand what’s going on and in turn being able to give out such great detail, this paragraph also gets a 6 out of 6.
Two Questions:
1) In what other ways do the representatives exchange ideas? Social gatherings? Sports?
2) Is this a Democratic sort of community where majority vote rules?
Getting acclimated to the language used took me quite awhile. They use acronyms for most things (IFC, ZBT, ATO, DGC, ASL,…) the list goes on. Also they way voting and discussing topics takes place is very interesting. You cannot simply speak up and say something on a whim. You must raise your hand and wait to be called on by name from the president. If there is a vote or something, there must be a 50% +1 majority in order for the motion to pass. The president and VP are both asked to leave the room during voting, and all executive board member votes do not count.
ReplyDeleteToward the conclusion of the meetings, UCF’s director of sorority and fraternity housing always addresses us with something new each week. Weather it be regarding risk management, new member education, or just random topics that we may find useful. He always reassures us that he and his staff in OFSL are always there to help and answer questions no matter what. Most of these people are products of a Greek organization and only want what is best for UCF’s students.
Observing this discourse community definitely displays many types of literacy’s. Just getting accustomed to the language and pace is a challenge in itself. Things move rapidly so you need to be able to take in information and allocate it as quickly as possible as to not forget any details. Being able to clearly communicate with your own organization as well as IFC delegates and executives. To be apart of something you must first understand how it works, and IFC is no different.
Part 1)
ReplyDeleteTwelve hours, fifty seven minutes and incredible nervousness …... This is all it took me to gain a completely new experience that taught me some interesting and helpful lessons which I definitely will use to apply for my own future. After I had decided which community I wanted to interact with during the last few weeks before the Final Weeks of my second semester at the University of Central Florida, I was extremely happy when I received the acceptance of being allowed to observe the UCF Athletic Trainer community. I was able to observe several different parts of the community which enabled me to develop my own impression of and own point of view on the community itself, including its values, expectations and ways to communicate.
Increasing interaction leads to foundation
The UCF Athletic Trainers’ community’s foundation plays along with the foundation of the College itself and also with the establishment of intercollegiate athletic teams. As several sports teams were created, more and more athletic trainers were required. Considering this, there is no exact date which the foundation of this community can be determined by. More, the foundation can be seen as a smooth establishment through the increasing interrelation and interaction between the different Athletic Trainers.
The UCF varsity athletic program began during the 1969–1970 academic year and the profession itself was first widely recognized in 1950. Therefore, to set limits to the foundation’s date, one could say that it can be dated back to sometime during this period of time at the earliest.
The intention behind the existence of this community is in first place the necessity to take care of the athletes’ health. Moreover, it gives all athletes the opportunity for first hand assistance concerning any kind of anatomical or physiological questions and issues. Since there is actually a group of people which has studied and has huge interest in one’s well-being, it is more likely for every athlete to open up about individual issues and the demand for help.
Unfortunately there is no evidence about the climate in which the community was established, since the trainers, who belonged to the ‘founding generation’ are very hard to find and to get in contact with. However, closely watching the members’ association with one another leaves me with only one assumption. The climate during the year of establishment must have been very interactive, friendly and definitely with the goal of providing best possible conditions for young athletes. Just the way they handle and behave towards each other today.
Through increasing advance in knowledge and technology, the possibilities for good treatment and assistance have definitely shifted over the years. Not only are nowadays special certificates and degrees an ultimate requirement for the entrance into the community but also are new members tested over and over again in several ranges, being it their knowledge or their handling of the patients, before they can even think about entering the community.
This, stated by one of the ‘older’ community members, wasn’t exactly the case 40 years ago.
Part 2 )
ReplyDeleteAlong the vertical line of the leg axis’ anatomical arrangement
I walk along the long hallway towards the Athletic Training room behind the UCF Arena. The first thing I come across, before even opening the door to the Training room, is a big sign: “Put belongings in shelves. Don’t leave anything in front of doors!!!” Right beneath these words is a picture of a crossed out pair of shoes. This is definitely a sign of order and spruceness. As I enter the room, my initial expectation is fulfilled. The first details I sense are a bright white-greyish tiled floor, stainless treatment benches and an intense smell of cleaning agent rising to my nose. Everything here seems to be perfectly tidy. This place is all about hygiene and cleanliness.
Since I am not a stranger entering my particular field site, I obviously am not affectionately welcomed. With a polite “Hey, how are you?” my first workplace observation begins, if it not already has begun before I entered the room.
After only a few minutes a ‘new’ patient, belonging to the Women’s Volleyball team, comes into the training room and asks for treatment. She hurt herself during practice and now is painful dragging herself towards the trainers. I straight away use this opportunity to watch exactly what is going on. This is my first chance to observe one of many patient-trainer-conversations that day. Once the volleyball player is sitting on the treatment bench, the conversation between the player and her trainer begins. To get a picture of the girl’s injury and overall situation, the trainer asks many questions about what had happened in the hall next door, the team’s practice hall. After the girl gives the trainer a detailed description of the occasion, he also asks her to describe and locate the pain she is feeling. It is quite clear that this trainer, through his behavior and confidence, which he exudes, is really experienced in his specialization and therefore is able to pretty quickly give a first diagnose. The girl has “wrenched her hip flexor along the vertical line of the leg axis’ anatomical arrangement”. This is only one example of the used anatomical lexis throughout this single treatment. If my interest for anatomy wasn’t as big and I hadn’t dealt with any kind of anatomy before, I probably wouldn’t understand a word of what the trainers are going on about in this room.
Once the trainer, after several checks, is confident about his first diagnose, he begins to deal with the injury.
A huge ice cube is pressures rubbed over the girl’s affected muscle. I can see the pain in her eyes and her screwed up face. This treatment only takes about ten minutes, but I definitely see a relief on the girls’ face when the trainer gives her a sign that she is done. Afterwards, the girl is given a plan of exercises to fix and strengthen her muscle again.
As time goes on, I get the chance to observe many treatment occasions through which I conclude several treatment patterns and procedures.
Through random topics and questions at the beginning of each treatment, the trainers are consistently trying to make their patients feel relaxed and are aiming to avoid new and young patients’ shyness. It is very interesting how, even though these patterns exist, each trainer differs in the way he or she behaves and presents him- or herself. I notice how especially new and inexperienced trainers, who are ‘only’ apprentices, are often very unconfident and unsure about how to deal with a particular problem. They are consistently asking their teachers, the actual trainers, for advice and reassure themselves concerning diagnoses or decisions for a special treatment.
I now have been observing the trainers’ interaction with their patients for in total 120 min and, as already mentioned, am able to recognize several patterns among the trainer’s treatment process. To make sure I understand everything in my next observation, I am going to go over certain terminology which I am experiencing throughout the evening.
Part 3)
ReplyDeleteA huge cup of coffee leads to a look behind the curtains
While many others are still in their deepest dreams, some are already up and awake and have gathered together for the weekly staff meeting. Every Monday morning at 7 am the Athletic Trainers from UCF get together to discuss the upcoming week and to exchange stories, inform about special occasions or to talk about athletic successes from the past weekend.
Since this meeting amongst the staff members is the perfect opportunity for me to get to know and to experience an additional, different part of the community, I decide to make my way to the office in the UCF Arena, in which the meeting takes place.
By this time, nearly all trainers know what the story behind this strange girl is, who is sitting in the corner of the room with her notepad, continuously taking notes. Therefore, I thankfully am spared all these confused looks on the members’ faces. Many of them walk past me with a friendly smile on their face and are nodding their heads as if saying: “Hey, you here again.”
I am welcomed to the meeting with a huge cup of delicious coffee. As soon as the last member has arrived, fortunately a few minutes late, which gives me an extra five minutes to enjoy my coffee and all kind of different stories about the trainers’ weekends, the trainers sit down to do what they have come for. Again, I realize how laid back the whole atmosphere amongst the trainers is. First of all, the trainers inform each other about special occasions having occurred over the weekend. The past weekend, two athletes have seriously injured themselves. One has torn her ACL and the other has fractured her ankle. The trainers now start discussing about how to best treat these patients and give the responsible trainer some advice about how to deal with the patient. After all, the trainers have informed the others about their problems and questions and the meeting flows towards its second main part. For the Trainers’ community to run smoothly, everything has to be planned into detail. Treatment appointments are scheduled, the ordering of new supplies is discussed and also new students who are going to be helping the trainers in the upcoming weeks are announced. The Women’s basketball trainer is unfortunately suffering from the flu virus which prevents him from coming to work. Now, a trainer has to be found to jump in for the sick trainer. If I haven’t yet realized what a big role Ms. Schoen plays in this community, it now is not to be overlooked. She is in charge of organizing the whole community. She makes the appointment schedules, organizes who is going to be there for the Women Basketball athletes, since, as mentioned, their trainer is sick and she also takes over the responsibility for ordering the needed supplies. After about seventy minutes everything which had to be discussed is clarified and the trainers all disappear to their own offices to start their weekly routine. I am happy to have been able to observe this meeting not only because I again became aware of the importance of Ms. Schoen for this community but more because I was able to ‘look behind the curtains’. I now know how important organization and especially personal communication is within this community. Everything has to be exactly arranged for the community to function as it is ‘expected’.
Part 4.1)
ReplyDeleteLeah Schoen – Manager, Teacher and Trainer at once
My observations up to this point have definitely given me a deeper insight into the community. However, all the information which I have gathered throughout the past weeks has brought up several questions towards different aspects of the community. For this reason I looked for an opportunity to address my questions to one of the community’s members. The first person I thought of here was Leah Schoen. Leah Schoen is the Women’s Soccer and Women’s and Men’s Tennis Athletic Trainer. She has received both, a bachelor’s and master’s degree in Athletic Training and was also certified by the National Athletic Trainer Association Board of Certification. Not only is Ms. Schoen a very experienced and skillful trainer, but she is also one of the head staff members for the UCF Athletic Trainer’s community. She definitely has a huge impact on deciding who is accepted into the community and plays a big role in teaching and educating new trainers.
Since I interact with Ms. Schoene on a daily basis and have also experienced several treatments from her, I would say that our relationship is very relaxed and pleasant. However, I have never even tried to step across the existing distance of respect and authority, which in my eyes is definitely necessary to effectively examine the community.
Since for me the next visit, you can call it somewhat like an interview if you want, was very important, I didn’t wanted to simply walk into the training room and ask Ms. Schoen some questions while she was actually focusing on something or somebody else. For that reason I decided to extra schedule an appointment for my ‘interview’. Another week has passed since my last observation and I have collected a bunch of questions which are dwelling inside of me:
Part 4.2)
ReplyDelete(1) Is every Trainer in your community able and allowed to treat every patient?
We can treat everyone, but we stick to the athletes that are assigned to us. We have liability insurance that protects us from law suits, but only for athletes at UCF.
(2) Is there a special concept behind the way the training room and also the supplies are organized?
Organized so that we know where things are. No concept behind it. We just make sure we are able to get to the supplies quickly that are needed on a daily basis. We must keep the athletic training as clean as can be. This is very important for us.
(3) How is the working time and space divided among the community’s members?
There is an assigned athletic training room for each member. Our working time is based around the sports schedule that we work. We schedule ourselves to make sure our athletes are taken care of.
(4) Have you ever experienced a complete rebellion against the community’s rules and values from individual members?
No. If you don’t follow the rules you can get in trouble or you could hurt someone.
(5) After only a few weeks of interacting within the community, new members are given a big amount of responsibility and authority concerning patients. In general, how do they handle this huge amount of responsibility?
The new members are supervised by older members. They can ask their supervisors anything. They are made sure they are completely comfortable with what they have to do before they are left alone. The supervisors will be there if they need anything and will check on them. They can ask other older members any questions they may have.
(6) When your apprentices have completed the required amount of weeks of involvement with this community, what is their next step towards their degree?
They will look for a job, mostly within a different community.
(7) How does one become a member of your community? Are any special degrees or certificates required?
You have to be certified by the National Athletic Trainers Association Board of Certification. You need to go through an accredited athletic training program at a college. You need to be licensed in the state of Florida to practice athletic training. You need to be CPR/AED certified. You also need to have a master’s degree.
(8) Are there any particular characteristics and qualities a new member must possess to be able to become a part of the community?
You must be able to relate to all individuals, be able to work hard, and not care to work long hours.
(9) Are there any social or cultural aspects through which a particular individual can be excluded from the community?
No
Part 4.3)
ReplyDeleteHave you noticed the same as I have? No? Well then let me tell you. Remember me talking about my first impression of the community’s accommodation which developed before I even opened the doors? Now look back at the second question. Without me even asking about the cleanliness or giving some kind of hint towards it, Leah Schoen mentioned how important cleanliness was for the community.
Also, the widely spread interest in the community’s specialization, being it its profession, seen through the big number of students choosing their major towards Athletic Training, shows its popularity. I myself have often heard people, especially athletes, talk about this being one of their prior profession tendencies. Several people in my circle of friends also are considering a major covering this profession. But is the interest in the profession ‘enough’ to be successful? Are people aware of the work and huge amount of knowledge which is required? This in my eyes is definitely something that has to be said over and over again. Being an Athletic Trainer or a community’s member doesn’t mean you just get to spend time with different teams and occasionally have to give them ice packs or hand them a bottle of water. As Ms. Schoen said, in order to become a successful Athletic Trainer you must “be able to work hard, and not care to work long hours”. After all, as an Athletic Trainer, you have a huge responsibility concerning the athlete’s well-being and his or her state of health also towards his level of performance and are therefore a very important factor towards the team’s achievement of its goals.
Part 5.1)
ReplyDeleteNow it counts…
How long have I waited for this one occasion? Without any expectations towards what I was about to experience, I entered this community with the goal of examining its values, routines and types of communication. I was aiming to observe different members’ behaviors towards special rules and the difference in the accordance of old and new members’ view of identity. Even though I have intensively been observing the trainer staff for the past several weeks, I never have had the feeling of actually being ‘part’ of their community. There simply is a huge difference between closely watching and observing several events and occasions and actually interacting with different members.
Consistently being observing the community and therefore spending many hours a week in its accommodation, I slowly developed the idea of wanting to be more involved. So after several days of asking and ‘pushing’, always with a huge smile and a tiny wink on my face, I finally convinced Ms. Schoen to let me at least help her during one of her treatments.
This is my day. I finally am allowed to try myself. Obviously I am consistently being watched and interrupted. I wouldn’t say that today is my first day of treating somebody, but I definitely respect the authority which I was given to help another trainer with her treatment.
I can’t say often enough how this completely changed the value of my previous observations. Everything seems so easy when only watching. I always asked myself how trainers could be nervous and unsure about what they were doing but I now exactly know why. Even though they might not have been in the community for more than weeks, they are straight away given a huge portion of authority. Nobody even asks about whether you feel comfortable and confident enough to do whatever is demanded. You are simply thrown into the new situations.
During my fist ‘real’ interaction I am able to notice so many more peculiarities which I hadn’t observed or wasn’t aware of before. One of the most impressive discoveries which I am making is the use of nonverbal communication. Having watched from the outside I was, as mentioned earlier on, very aware of the terminology which was continuously used. Now however, I am experiencing the patient and especially the trainers often ‘communicating’ without saying a word. The consistent eye-contact between both of them assuring the right location for pain and the acknowledgment of a particular injury or diagnose is, at least for the beginning of a treatment, never actually vocalized.
Additionally, I now observe another difference between experienced and inexperienced trainers. Whereas the experienced ones never show any negative facial expression to avoid any kind of shock moment, the younger, more inexperienced trainers often for a fraction of a second neglect their learned skills about how to act and behave within a treatment session and sometimes show a doubt of positive diagnoses.
Part 5.2)
ReplyDeleteAny trainer would have probably smirked over my excitement for the kind of treatment I am going to conduct, but for me, it is the first time I actually help somebody towards his well-being. The boy, who I am allowed to gain experience with, is one of the Men’s Tennis Team. Pedro Wagner pulled his quad during his last tennis match against the University of Florida. After Ms. Schoen talks to Pedro about what happened and finally concludes the diagnosis, she decides to use the therapeutic ultrasound, a device used to promote healing in muscles and ligaments.
Now it is up to me. I am supposed to smear some of this green bluish gel stuff onto his quad and then rub the gel along his leg. The metal knob I am using to spread the gel is attached to the actual ultrasound device and therefore is continuously sending the ‘rays’ through his muscle. Not only am I told that the metal knob has to be consistently touching Pedro’s leg, but also do I feel a lot of pressure through Pedro closely watching me the entire time. I suddenly feel unbelievably nervous and unsure. I am trying not to show my nervousness but in the end I have failed. Even though I successfully manage to keep the knob ‘attached’ to the patient’s leg as it was demanded, Ms. Schoen comes up to me after the treatment and grinningly says: “Were a bit nervous, he ?” I can see that I wasn’t the only person she has ever taught and that she often has experienced nervous trainers.
Thinking back, this was definitely a lesson that there is way more towards a successful treatment than just managing to ‘keep the knob attached’. It definitely was a lesson and experience which I will keep with me for quite a while.
Madison King, I have reviewed your posting !
ReplyDeleteParagraph 1 – It All Started with a Paper Napkin
brief description of how the community was established and its development up to the present (including the community’s representation at UCF)
key support:
- you have loads of detail about the community’s history including information which anybody, who didn’t interact with the community could not know about
- it is good that you include your initial opinion / thoughts about the community this allows you to describe your change in point of view
- the accomplishments are unfortunately only listed without mentioning their effects on the community itself
Rating: 4/8
- the information you provide about the community’s history is very interesting but somehow are your sentences hard to read and your direction is difficult to follow; this is definitely something you can work on
Paragraph 2- A True Eye Opener
this paragraph describes your first interaction with your community including your senses and impressions. You also examine the community’s actual purpose and intensions and argue for the importance of the awareness of rape
Key Support:
- your description of the first meeting is very detailed which allows you to share your senses with the audience, however, some information could be cut easily without losing important aspects
- I still don’t get why you describe the ‘Ice-Breaker’ occurrence (Why is this important? How did you only then realize that there were also male community members?)
- In the last section you are beginning to describe how the energy was transferred upon you. Can you possibly describe how it affected you? Give the reader a real feeling of what you experienced!
Rating: 4/8
- this paragraph again leads towards several directions which makes it hard to look for a main point of this section
- You have so many aspects you mention in this paragraph through which you diminish every single argument or main point in itself. Try to concentrate on one main point which you however can support with several arguments
Paragraph 3 – Take Back the Night!
in this paragraph you examine one of your community’s annual events “Take Back the Night” and share how the information provided during this event influenced your feelings and thoughts about the event’s theme “rape”
Key Support:
- Your decision of observing this particular event was definitely beneficial concerning your ethnography because it allowed you to observe an additional side of your community
- Why did it make you proud to see all these representatives? Try to explain!
- One of your main arguments was based on the strong effect this event had on you as a person. You said you would never forget what the woman had shared with you. This is a good opportunity to dwell deeper into why you will never forget it. Why did it have such an impact? You maybe should try to include your thoughts at that moment to better share your experience. The reader could therefore really ‘experience’ how you felt.
Rating: 6/8
- This special event definitely was a great opportunity to really experience your own community and also the impact and power it has on others
- This paragraph could develop into your main argument in showing how this community ‘fights’ for its identity and what it does to reach its goals
try to include your feelings and thoughts more to improve this paragraph
Paragraph 4 – Made Up Words?
ReplyDelete description of community’s terminology
Key Support:
- This paragraph is very short - you might want to include it your paragraph in which you describe your first interaction with the community.
- Not everybody knows what for example LGBTQ+ means. If you mention this terminology, I think you should explain it so it doesn’t leave gaps of knowledge for the reader.
- You could also include your initial expectations about the community’s discourse. Did you expect it to be that informal?
Rating 2/8
- You did observe part of the community’s discourse but the information you provide isn’t really enough to create an individual paragraph
- What is about other types of communication used in your community’s meeting (presentation)?
- I would say you definitely have to go over this part!
Paragraph 5 – Getting Close and Personal
this paragraphs includes the main points of your interview with Erica Hanley and focuses on the community’s discourse
Key Support:
- You mentioned one of the most important points of NOW. Why did you get this impression? Were there other occasions in which you had heard this?
- The desire for the organization and the willingness to do everything to improve its structure is very well represented through your examination of Ms. Hanley.
- You (through Ms. Hanley) that the people have a wrong attitude or perception of NOW – what are these false assumptions? How did they evolve?
Rating 6/8
- This paragraph very well reflects the role and personality of the community’s future Vice President
- Using her quotes definitely supports your description
- You might be able to include the impact Ms. Hanley had on you through her energetics and love for her ‘job’
Paragraph 6 – There’s Always Something New to Learn
this paragraph pretty much is your ethnography’s conclusion. It is about what it taught you and your statement of wanting to become a part of the community
Key Support:
- Since this your conclusion, I don’t think you need a headline for this individual paragraph
- The main aspect you state to have gained from your experience is that you have become aware of the fact that gender inequality is still a current issue within the society. I somehow miss the arguments and the focus of your ethnography on this main point. There are too few examples and arguments within your ethnography upon which this conclusion can be based on
Rating: 2/8
- Your ‘conclusion’ itself isn’t bad but it somehow doesn’t really ‘summarize’ or fit to the ethnography as a whole
Main point/theme:
Throughout your ethnography you mention several aspects which are main topics of your essay. I however have the feeling that your last paragraph doesn’t really fit with what you wrote before. You focus more on the topic of rape than on gender inequality upon which the community’s is actually based on. The community’s intention of informing others about gender inequality is somewhat forced in the background. I would suggest that you definitely throughout your essay focus more on this purpose to be able to conclude what you did!
Further questions:
- Why did you choose this particular community and how did you become aware of its existence?
- How did you experience the interaction with the other members? Did you have the feeling of being accepted? Or were you more an ‘outsider’?
Ross Hartman I have reviewed your paper:
ReplyDeleteCourtney Williams
ENC 1101- OM06
(Paragraph 1)
-Purpose: Introduction to the type of discourse community being studied- why the writer joined a fraternity, why this specific community was chosen, and how it will be studied and presented to the reader.
-Support: This paragraph was helpful in understanding the direction the paper is headed by outlining the point of view in which it will be writing and outlining a few questions that will be answered. For example, questioning his true motive for joining ZBT by presenting two influencing factors, his father and the brotherhood, which left the reader interested. It also briefly introduced the reader with basic knowledge of the writer and his membership in the community.
-Grade Scale: (1=lowest, 10=highest)
(9) This was a great start to your paper and clearly outlined your thoughts and ideas that will go into shaping your paper. Maybe you can incorporate why being apart of this community has set such a challenge on you, making it a little more personal. Or describe in more detail what rush was about to you.
(Paragraph 2)
-Purpose: This paragraph mainly states how the writer feels about ZBT, comparing it to other fraternities.
-Support: This paragraph has a strong starting point focusing on the different bonds that ultimately make a fraternity unique from others from an analytical point of view. Then it shifts into a story telling point of view, describing the writer’s personal experience at the start of his college career and rush. The paragraph ends with a good closing sentence, again leaving the reader wanting more.
-Grade Scale: (1=lowest, 10=highest)
(5) This paragraph started off strong but did not focus on one main point. Throughout the paragraph you described two main focus points. The first main point I saw was what makes a fraternity different or unique from others such as the strong bonds of ZBT. The second was your personal experiences during rush, your personal opinions/feelings on the matter and how it relates or differs from your past experiences such as high school. I think breaking this paragraph up into two and providing more support in each will help.
(Paragraph 3)
-Purpose: This paragraph ultimately outlined an attraction the writer found special about this specific organization.
-Support: The writer incorporates two important aspects of this specific fraternity- the older brothers who were welcoming and the four precepts that are upheld.
-Grade Scale: (1=lowest, 10=highest)
(4) Although you had two good supporting point that tied into an overall theme, there wasn’t much else too it. Try developing more points to help support your idea that ZBT made you feel welcome and at home. For example, specifically outline how you the four precepts being upheld or what they mean to you.
(continued..)
ReplyDelete(Paragraph 4)
-Purpose: To describe the history and development of Zeta Beta Tau fraternity.
-Support: This paragraph was very informative and descriptive, starting off with the founder and his main purpose in creating this specific fraternity and ending with its growth and explanation. Using historical dates definitely helps signify its importance from the organizations starting point and provides the reader with a historical timeline.
-Grade Scale: (1=lowest, 10=highest)
(9) You did a great job with this paragraph. The only thing I would focus a little bit more on is your specific chapter here at UCF.
(Paragraph 5)
-Purpose: This paragraph also focuses on the history and growth of ZBT. It focuses specifically on a change the fraternity made which allowed him, and other members, to feel equal and welcome as a new member.
-Support: The structure of this paragraph was very well developed, starting with a problem, describing how they went about fixing the problem and what this change resulted in, which was growth in the fraternity. The writer also provides insight to specific historical changes that are still held within the ZBT today, such as a Brotherhood Program, which further attracted him toward this specific organization.
-Grade Scale: (1=lowest, 10=highest)
(9) This paragraph was great. You focused on a main topic and provided evidence in a variety of ways. You also related this topic back to one of your main points in your introductory paragraph (why you feel at home at ZBT), which is very important.
(Paragraph 6)
-Purpose: Each chapter member is unique and brings something different to the plate, which creates a diverse within ZBT.
-Support: This paragraph had a more analytical perspective in which the writer stated the main point and used supporting evidence of other chapter members, as if he was watching them as this happened. Then the paragraph changed to a personal perspective in which the writer relates to other chapter members. He specifically describes a memory with one of his brothers.
-Grade Scale: (1=lowest, 10=highest)
(5) This paragraph is going in the right direction, however I feel as though you can use more examples to help support your main idea. For example, how the encounter with your one brother impacted your or benefited you and even more supporting details relating to the diversity of the chapter members. The paragraph before this one is very similar in its purpose so a good transition from paragraph to paragraph will also be helpful.
(Paragraph 7)
-Purpose: Conversation with a fraternity brother focusing on his personal experiences and growth as a member in ZBT.
-Support: You had some very good interview questions that seem of importance to membership in ZBT. For example, balancing this organization with others. And I like the way you ask questions that you can also relate to and than personally reflect on how. Important aspects of brotherhood are also presented within this interview.
-Grade Scale: (1=lowest, 10=highest)
(9) Overall this was a very strong paragraph. You had great question to question transitions. A better transition into this paragraph is definitely needed. Try introducing to the reader who this specific brother is, why you chose to interview him, etc.
(continued...)
ReplyDelete(Paragraph 8)
-Purpose: Ultimately what the writer finds most important in ZBT- Brotherhood.
-Support: Starting off with a bunch of questions at first was a unique style to take on. Also, elaborating on this unique type of brotherhood and relating it to others. Ending with a strong reasoning and a personal opinion.
-Grade Scale: (1=lowest, 10=highest)
(8) Strong paragraph transition and structure. It was great that you tied your main point back into this paragraph, which is important in all closings. Elaborating a little more on what it means to you will be helpful.
Main Point: The uniqueness of Brotherhood within ZBT was the determining factor behind becoming a member of this specific fraternity.
Questions:
1. In what other ways may your father have been an influencing factoring in joining a fraternity? Can your relationship with your father be compared to brotherhood in any ways?
2. What does brotherhood mean to you?
3. How has ZBT’s brotherhood influenced or impacted you as a new member?
4. How can the ideals of brotherhood be carried outside of ZBT?
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteRalph Mahalak, I will review your paper! :)
ReplyDeleteAmanda Cramer
ReplyDeleteENC1101-0M04
Misrepresenting Sparks Miss Representation
Part one:
(1) Passion liberates the minds and hearts of these individuals as they question the legitimacy of all that this society has known about equality. Does the society need to be dismantled upon the basis of change? Change is at the brink of occurrence, boiling to the surface so furiously that the whole world is defenseless against its strength. Although this movement has resided within our country for less than a century, the wave of Feminism within our culture continues to flourish. Miss Representation’s presence within this movement plays a dominant role in establishing community and equivalence throughout the nation through disproving arguments of female debasement.
(2) Miss Representation is an organization that exposes society to the abuse that media exhibits. The media contributes to the harsh reality that women are treated as “second class citizens” in comparison to men, and suppresses their strength by making them out to be weak-minded and passive, if not objectified “sex objects”. The organization created the well-known and award-winning documentary film, “Miss Representation”, that challenges the minds of the audience to consider how our society misrepresents women, even those who hold notable leadership positions. The documentary contributes the perspective of individuals who battled and continue to battle for change at the realization that the younger generations of women have the potential of becoming disheartened by the lack of respect they receive and will continue to receive in the future workforce and under the mercilessly heavy weight of biased media representation. Protesting against this contemptuous behavior fuels a fire much greater than that of the condescending conceptions of those who release sexist advertisements to captivate male audiences to invest in a company’s products.
Part two:
ReplyDelete(3) Evoking change is what this community stands for. Through this passion, the members of the Miss Representation team contribute positive representations of women, disproving expectations, and challenging advertising that conveys harmful messages to the audience. In addition to exemplifying the importance of positive representation for women, Miss Representation works to demolish the social constructs that pressure men to act in ways that are sexist in order to remain socially acceptable and counters the idea that men have to be “hyper-masculine” to be considered a genuine portrayal of manliness to their peers and to avoid the confrontation of standing out in unfavorable ways.
(4) The organization began with the determination of one strong, rather determined woman named Jennifer Siebel. Jennifer Siebel, the CEO of Miss Representation, was initially an actress in both films and television programs. Often she was the focus of the camera, so the standards she had to hold for herself and her body were high. But soon she became pregnant with her daughter, her body changing and the camera drifting from her spotlight. It was then that she realized that her daughter would have to grow up in a society in which she would not be respected in the same way a man would, nor valued in the way that a man would. She wanted her daughter to grow up in a society that would respect her for her brilliance, activism, and new perspectives, not her body, what she was wearing, or how she looked. A man would never be judged in such ways, but a female politician like Nancy Pelosi or Hillary Clinton will get the backlash of an audience dominantly judging by her aesthetic rather than her ideals. The group was originally founded upon the creation of the documentary Miss Representation. This documentary comes face to face with the harsh realities of consumerism and the risks sellers will be willing to take to promote their product, even if the respect and dignity of a young woman is put on the line in the process. This eye-opening film led to the ultimate formation of the activism group Miss Representation that follows in the same path. Miss Representation seeks to eliminate disrespect from advertisements and other forms of media and to reform the perspectives of those in our society, redirecting their attention to social and sexual equality. Women should not be conditioned to believe that because of their gender they have no chance to become the next big politician, or even the next president. Society conditions them to believe they're weak, while the feminism that Miss Representation exemplifies grants them strength to fight back. Her inspiration to create the organization proved as a influential standpoint for women across the globe.
Part three:
ReplyDelete(5) Her organization now holds thousands of events across the country, from presentations to private documentary viewings. In addition to the organization’s widespread activity in the community, Miss Representation connects with followers globally through online activism, assisted by their Twitter page as well as their Facebook page, which update thousands of followers on the current state of our society and what actions they can take to become involved in the world they live in. Miss Representation guides their audience to be fearless when fighting against what they have been conditioned to believe. The organization is adamant about implementing equal respect and understanding for the abilities of both men and women, rather than continuing to passively accept the uncompromising and unaccepting perspectives that taint the successes of woman leaders today. Often when viewing their Twitter and Facebook page, the audience can come across articles of their rebuttals against large corporations’ advertisements and how the advertisement itself can be changed to further exemplify equality within our society. The importance of these campaigns is not to beat down a company’s ability to continue selling successful products, but to introduce new ways in which a company can sell their product without the degradation of individuals represented.
(6) Miss Representation has a way of developing their own terminology that allows those in the community to remain informed. The terms “feminism” and “equality” are commonly used throughout their activism articles, but their main focus is on the act of implementing a fair ground for both men and women. Although they are called “Miss Representation”, the organization stands against the exploitation of both women and men in the media. The term “feminism” is defined as the advocacy of women’s rights in all areas of society, and the equal representation of women in leadership positions as the representation of men. More often than not, men are given positions of power by the simple claim that they are “less emotional” and will be more “objective” to the issues they must deal with within the position given, but it is not stated that all issues are subjective. A man can find an issue more or less important depending on whether it influences him personally, just as a woman can. The implementation that women cannot hold positions of power because of this was the main reason that the creation of “feminism” occurred. Miss Representation recently started a new campaign incorporating the hashtag #NotBuyingIt on their official Twitter page to allow followers to determine which companies are reinforcing sexism to market a product, as well as which outlets of media enable the disrespect of women working within the political system as well as in other influential positions through evaluating female leaders by their aesthetics rather than their ideals. The terminology used within this community redirects a woman’s worth within our society by her wisdom, strength, and activism, rather than what she is wearing or how “pretty” she is.
Part four:
ReplyDelete(7) I found the adjustment to their typical discourse to be easily adaptable, because the terminology this organization uses is generally common within our society nowadays. Miss Representation has played a crucial role within my own life, and has made me increasingly aware about how I can spread confidence and strength to other girls my age in the hopes of sparking much greater within them.
(8) The organization is upheld by a board of six fearless individuals that play specific roles. I had the honor of having a brief interview with the Social Media and Communications Director, Imran Siddiquee, about the ideals of the organization itself. When I asked him about his drive to become involved within this organization, he replied that he believes the society has formed upon the basis of sexism, and has determined our abilities as individuals to succeed based on our gender. I then asked him how he reaches the masses in terms of spreading awareness, and he replied that his most successful forms of communication come from the affiliated social network sites that he actively posts on about community involvement. He often gets replies on there from people inquiring about the organization, and when it’s not on the network sites, it’s via his email. I asked him about the conflicts that he experiences within the feminist community, to which he replied that the community itself is often looked down upon because the community often misunderstands what the organization stands for, and claims that the organization is active against the male community, rather than the existence of sexism. I asked him about how his participation within the feminist community has influenced his personal life, and he responded that it’s almost as if his work never “takes a break” because he often sees his surroundings from the same perspective. When I asked him about the audience he targets when spreading awareness of sexism in our society, he replied that he “doesn’t generally target a specific audience”, but hopes to influence the masses and at least allow the spread of spoken word to increase awareness about Miss Representation and what it stands for. I then asked what terminology is commonly used within the organization and whether the discourse incorporated specific terminology, to which he replied that the terms most commonly used are “feminism”, femininity, masculinity, media, and sexism. The goals of the terminology are not to rival against the male populace, but to allow equality to rise above the current structure of society.
Part five:
ReplyDelete(9) I recently observed a paid screening of their film “Miss Representation” on March 22th at 6:00 PM at the FemCity Orlando event. The venue, Urban ReThink, was filled with a rather diverse crowd, men and women, adults and students just as equally. The screening of the film itself started at 6:00 PM. The film was viewed, and the silence during the viewing could have been cut with a knife. It was apparent that the majority of the audience had not seen the documentary before, and was shocked by the realization of how sexist our society can be just through the utilization of media. The film discussed how the media portrays women as passive members of society, rather than active members, as men are portrayed. The media enforces this by applying it to advertisements, reviews, and implications that women are “second-class citizens”. After the film had played, the Miss Representation fundraiser was initiated. The products sold displayed quotes of “self-esteem” and “self worth”, from totes to backpacks. All proceeds went to Miss Representation and the organization’s activism within the community.
(10) This new wave of influence has drawn my interest since the moment I viewed their award-winning documentary, has driven me to progress and improve as a member of society, and given me the feeling of community for an ideal that I’ve stood for throughout my upbringing. I can honestly say I haven’t looked back since.
Aasim Bhimani ENC 1101-0M03
ReplyDeleteReview of Connor Waugh ENC 1101-0M04
Will be graded on a 1-5 scale (1- bad, 5- great)
Paragraph 1:
It’s a good introduction to state the scenery and what one would experience when entering this community. This paragraph paints a good picture and even though doesn’t contribute to your overall point; it is good to have as an introduction to the topic.
I would give this paragraph a 4. It’s a good intro into what you experience in the community and as stated before, really helps put a mental image together
Paragraph 2:
A good description of what the SCUBAnauts are about, but I would word it differently. Feels like you just copy and pasted their exact motto, which is fine, but the lengthy wording of a mission statement might cause readers to lose interest.
I would give this paragraph a 3, with just needing to fix what I said above
Paragraph 3:
Good quote from a leader of the group, which shows his focus and ideas, which most members would share. This helps in showing your overall point of the SCUBAnauts standing for something.
This paragraph gets a 4, I would just add in a little more detail like how long was he president of the chapter for
Paragraph 4:
Great insight onto where SCUBAnauts came from and what they’re all about. Sort of feels like you’re just listing off things, so I’d cut down on that. All the acronyms can really confuse someone and is somewhat unnecessary in a paper. Really good on how you described how it started with Boy Scouts and then strayed away, ending their partnership. Also, describing the first major endeavor is something that could really get someone interested in the SCUBAnauts, so I’d add more detail on that.
I would give this one a 4.5. Again, great insight, but it is a little wordy. Work on that and it’s a great paragraph.
Paragraph 5:
Now this is good. It delves into specific projects SCUBAnauts have done and is something that really sparks a reader’s interest. It’s great how you describe a larger role of SCUBAnauts than most people know about.
This is one is a 5. Again, good job on using projects to peak interest
Paragraph 6:
Showing how it’s expanding is good to show a reader how much popularity it has gained. Good information provided. Although, I would combine this with the previous paragraph since both are relatively short.
This one is also a 5, good info provided
Paragraph 7:
As previously stated, your paragraphs contain details that could really peak a reader’s interest. Using this conversation you had with a former president when it comes to acclimating people to their new surroundings. This insight allows a person who might possibly want to join this community see how they can handle different issues.
This paragraph gets a 4. Great detail and insight into how the community deals with issues
Paragraph 8:
Showing the progession of the ranks of SCUBAnauts gives an outsider a view of how one can work up the ranks or simply advance as they get older. Good info, I would just add any specific things you have to do before moving up or whether it is based solely on age
This one gets a 4. Good description of the ranks
Paragraph 9:
Describing the community in the first person point of view always helps. Your opinion is something a reader might look for.
This one gets a 3, since it is a good point of view, but could use more detail.
Some questions I would like to know:
1. What got you interested in the SCUBAnauts?
2. Do you see yourself continuing to possible become a leader in this community?
Overall, I would say this paper so far is about a 3.5/5. It has good thoughts and descriptions about the community, but could use the addition of a few details here and there. Also, there are grammatical and spelling errors trickled throughout the piece. Add those details and check it over and you should be fine.
Chris Arizmendi
ReplyDeleteENC 1101-omo3
Peer Review of: Jacoby Glenn
Paragraph 1: This paragraph explained which discourse community Jacoby was going to study and why; the UCF football team.
Support/Details: This starting paragraph explained why he chose this community and it is because Jacoby is part of this discourse community. Lastly, he explains that the purpose of his paper is “to observe this group this group in order to find out what the goals and characteristics of the discourse community are.”
Grading scale 1(lowest)-6 (highest)
(2) This was a bad introduction to your essay, which is why I gave it a low score. There were few details but the details given were okay. You explained the purpose of your paper and your community but a better attention grabber would keep the reader begging for more.
Paragraph 2: This second paragraph outlines his first discourse community observation.
Support/Details: This paragraph could have used more details too. He speaks of his observation being taken in an indoor facility setting in which his team practiced. Each player is given individual responsibilities and such based on their team position. “There are unique diagrams, symbols, abbreviations, acronyms, and code words...” Jacoby does correctly use Swales’ definition of lexis and specialized terminology that relates to his discourse community.
Grading scale 1(lowest)-6 (highest):
(2) I like how Jacoby uses each paragraph as a new observation of his discourse community. I would hope for a lot more details within this paragraph because I only see one observation/topic during the first observation. He only speaks of how players are given responsibilities at the beginning but I think some examples of those responsibilities would be better. I gave him better than a 1 though because he uses Swales’ methods of lexis in the correct way.
Paragraph 3: This paragraph focused on his second discourse community observation.
Support/Details: This next observation took place in the UCF weight room. He explains that there is a different dynamic than what took place during practice. He explains the use of team effort and motivation to work harder. Jacoby says that the team uses a specific language but he does not give examples and does not explain why the language is used to communicate with each other.
Grading scale 1(lowest)-6 (highest):
(2) The third paragraph was okay. There was more detail in the second observation compared to the first observation. More examples and details should be used when explaining that there is a certain language that the UCF football team discourse community uses. He does explain the use of team effort and motivation when working out. Besides those two topics, I would like to see more topics/observations through his second visiting of his community.
Main point:
There is no main point of this piece. There are few examples and details in this short paper. The only topics mentioned in this paper are players responsibilities through practice, and the use of team effort in workouts, and the realization of a different form of language used in the community. No examples were given about team responsibility and language though. More details and observations needed.
Questions:
Are You new to this discourse community? How is it different or is it different if you had been in this community for say, 4 years?
2) Did you learn anything from actually studying your community? Maybe how your community uses a certain language? Did you notice that before?
Amanda Cramer
ReplyDeleteENC1101-OMO4
Review of Ralph Mahalak’s paper
Paragraph #1: The first paragraph specifies the focus of the discourse community paper, an introduction to Delta Sigma Phi, and the rhetor’s personal reasons for joining and becoming involved.
Key Support:
• “I found myself trying to get involved and get out there so I could meet people. By doing that I became the junior representative for Delta Sigma Phi – Iota Epsilon chapter in the Inter Fraternity Council at UCF.” The sentence prior tells the audience the reasons that the rhetor is involved and justifies his reason for choosing that specific fraternity as the discourse community paper focus. He has a personal connection to the community.
• The first paragraph was a good start, but could use more personal details. The paragraph is more formal and less personalized. Maybe add more details about the decisive factors that made you choose this specific fraternity, both to join and to write about for your ethnography paper.
Rating: 5/10
(1 being the lowest, 10 being the highest)
Paragraph #2: The second paragraph discusses the history of Delta Sigma Phi, discusses what the specified fraternity stands for, the different councils at UCF (National Pan-Hellenic Council (NPHC), Pan-Hellenic Council (PHC), Diversified Greek Council (DGC), Inter Fraternity Council (IFC)), and the meetings and positions information.
Key Support:
• “Founded in 1909, this council looks over 5500 chapters…” Tells the audience how the fraternity came to be, when it was created, and general information about the fraternity. Very descriptive, and crucial information to the paper.
• “Inter Fraternity Council (IFC) is one of four governing councils….” Tells how many councils there are at UCF, and names the four.
• “Meetings are held every Wednesday….” Specifies the days and times the fraternity meets together.
• The second paragraph is extremely informative and makes the fraternity and its organization more comprehensible to the audience, especially to someone who doesn’t understand the organization or is unaware of the fraternity. However, this paragraph lacks a personal perspective, and could use more opinion-based information, information you’ve personally gathered and learned about the fraternity. What makes your fraternity stand out? How are the members of your fraternity more notable than other members?
Rating: 6/10
(continuation)
DeleteParagraph #3: The third paragraph delves deeper into the actual meetings, stating the order of events and distinguishes between speakers, as well as stating what ways communication generally occurs within the fraternity.
Key Support:
• “We usually begin the meetings with a guest speaker…” Tells the order in which people speak at the meetings.
• “Texting seems to be the main line of communication….” Tells the audience how discourse generally occurs between members.
• This paragraph has a lack of a personal perspective. How does the communication between you and the other members usually occur? Do you find the modes of communication used to be efficient modes of communication? In what ways do you feel that the communication between the members could be improved? How do you most effectively get through to other members?
Rating: 6/10
Paragraph #4: The fourth paragraph discusses the most commonly used terminology during discourse, and discusses the process in which a motion is passed.
Key Support:
• “They use acronyms for most things….” Possibly describe what each of the acronyms means for those who don’t know what they mean, and specifically define each “term”. What does IFC, ZBT, ATO, etc. mean?
• “They way→ the way” Typo.
• “The way voting and discussing topics takes place…” Tells the audience how communication between the hierarchies occurs.
• “If there is a vote or something….” Tells the process of voting.
• I think it would’ve been more effective to divide the terminology information and the voting information into separate paragraphs, and elaborate on both to provide more information. When can you speak? What say do you have within the hierarchy?
Rating: 6/10
Paragraph #5: The fifth paragraph describes how meetings are closed.
Key Support:
• “UCF’s director of sorority and fraternity housing always addresses us….” Tells who closes the meeting, and how they close it by addressing issues and enforcing their support system for the students.
• Elaborate on the services the director offers as support for the students. Have you ever gotten help/support? What other topics do they cover? Elaborate. Add a personal perspective/experience to reinforce stated information.
Rating: 6/10
Paragraph #6: The final paragraph concludes the discourse community.
Key Support:
• “Observing this discourse community definitely displays many types of literacies….” What types?
• Apart → a part
• Add more of a personal touch. Your paper was informative, but your perspective within the fraternity was lost within the information. Elaborate on specific terms and allow the audience into your mind so they can understand what you see as effective/ineffective, important/unimportant, etc. Your perspective matters just as much as the information you provided. Be specific and elaborate.
Rating: 5/10
What made you join this specific fraternity?
How did you become interested/aware of this fraternity?
Why is your fraternity different from others?
How do the members of your fraternity distinguish themselves?
In what way do you contribute to the well-being of your fraternity?
Chibundo Egwuatu
ReplyDeleteBeads, Flowers, Freedom and Happiness: A Survey of Hare Krishna
I, no older than 9 years old, am totally taken with the counter culture. I am enamored with Timothy Leary, the last 3 years of my life have been a continuous viewing of the Woodstock documentary, and I pay tribute to the musical trinity (Janis, Jim, and Jimi) daily. Unsurprising from any first generation American child living 30 in the past of an adopted (counter) culture, I had some eclectic tastes; such as a love of musicals. My undisputed, eternal favorite is Andrew Lloyd Weber’s 1973 classic Jesus Christ Superstar, but not far behind it is Hair, my first experience with Hare Krishna.
In the film, it is all a part of the theatric carnival that was the late 60’s in my mind, an infatuation with eastern theology an integral part of this theme. In the scene, there is dancing, fire, and abstract development of the relationship plot between characters Burger, Claude, and Sheila. In it, I hear a chorus of the essence of Hare Krishna, which is the chant: Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare, Hare Rama, Hare Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Hare. The song also speaks of my old friend Timothy Leary’s own mantra of “Tune in, Turn on, Drop out”, marijuana, and of course, beads, flowers, freedom, and happiness. As I continued this ongoing infatuation in my college years and for this project, I was able to see how distorted a view this was.
First, some backstory: The official name for the group is the International Society for Krishna Consciousness, and it was founded in 1966 in New York City by A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupad, a man whose visage one will see quite a bit in Hare Krishna community centers and memorabilia. This, along with social unrest of the 60’s, the now-status quo post war booming economy making America a mainstay as a superpower, and the birth of good old rock and roll created the right amount of entitlement and safety in dissent to create the teenager and the “counter”culture that I spent a good chunk of my life in memorial of. However, in my attending the teachings of the local Matharaj, I saw that this infatuation with Hare Krishna was in some cases quite at odds with this movement. Not only are transformative substances not allowed (meaning coffee, tea, cigarettes, and also marijuana), neither is sex outside of procreation (so much for that free love concept; I can imagine Stephen Stills and the Zombies shaking their heads in their respective rosy circle lenses and piles of money), and much of the materialism that the “hippies” would not see as such, but is thought as such in Hare Krishna.
Beads
In my visits to the temple and the teachings, I found that 160 iterations of the mantra were to be done daily on prayer, not unlike my own catholic rosary. One day at the Tuesday teachings, we went around to speak of what made each of us become interested in the teachings of Krishna, and one person (one of the twins who are often seen at the Hare Krishna tabling events) said that to truly attempt to believe, one had to put themselves to the test. Meaning, participating in the chants, the abstinences, and reading of the vedas. His brother reiterated the assertion, having joined after his brother shared it with him (and their mother as well). I was impressed that one person hearing of the teachings on the internet could then seek to be a part of the community as well as convert his family.
Flowers
ReplyDeleteIn my time at the temple, I definitely understood the infatuation with the religion, seeing all of the beautiful and foreign things around me. On my first visit, as Tegen, the woman who had given me a ride as well as a crash course in Hare Krishna, walked me around the sanctuary explaining the names and reasoning behind the artifacts, handed me a flower. It was an orange carnation, cool and dewy, a physical embodiment of all the things she had shown me, a perfect end to the lesson. A week later, in an outing with some friends to go dancing, someone I was talking to about my recent goings on in Hare Krishna told me that it was a cult and a scam (an assertion I heard many times after when telling people of it). I was taken aback at the time, and in answering my question before i thought to ask, he said that in airports, they give people things to mentally create a sense of obligation, even something small, specifically citing a flower. I have always been a religious person and am used to friends saying some pretty derogatory things or organized religion, so this was nothing new; however, the Hare Krishnas had gained a place in my heart and I became a bit more attached to them in light of this adversity, a bond born of perceived mutual microaggression,
Freedom
Some would say the some of the practices are quite restricting; there are restrictions on appetites (vice-wise, dietary, and sexual), obligatory tribute and special days, and temple is even sexually segregated. In not participating in illusions (that of the material world or even other people), one only then said to be free. However, in the devotees, some actions could be seen as free spirited by many people. Tegen, my window into the world of the Hare Krishna, told me quite a bit of her journey on the way to temple as well as at prasadam (after temple, blessed food is eaten, and once blessed is no longer food, but prasadam. She told me she was married (she and her spouse decided on a Sunday to marry and did so on that Monday), and it was her spouse who grew up in Hare Krishna that converted her. She had recently graduated law school, and moved from a Krishna farm in Mississippi, and was living with some cousins in Kissimmee. Tales of their semi-nomadic existence reminded me of the twins who became devotees from the internet, a correlation between decisive action and Hare Krishna became more marked.
Happiness
ReplyDeleteThe happiest times at temple seemed to be during chanting and at prasadam. The chanting can be anywhere from 10 minutes to half an hour, with a microphone being passed around to the devotees, the beats and melody changing, and the musicians holding drums and unfamiliar instruments following along to the changes deftly. It is quite an experience, as everyone becomes more taken with the chants, the beats, and the dancing. At prasadam, the male devotees stand behind tables and serve us food onto plethorically washed and used stainless steel trays with similarly cast cups. There is no marked end to temple, and people linger and leave as they please. We eat, and I speak to some of the devotees I see at the campus teachings and greet the others I am unfamiliar with whenever I see them. There are many children, and they play with the temple toys in the garden and around the trees. There is also a ginger cat who frequents the temple that I leave my sweets (I am not a big sweet person) for at the base of a tree. The grounds of the temple are sprawling and the grass is quite soft (in temple, one is barefoot, and sometimes I neglect to put them back on when leaving the building. By the time we leave the temple, it is dusk, and the blue illuminates the white of the prasadam tent, as well as the silks and saris worn by many of the devotees. People are eating, some are praying, others are making varied conversations, and all seem content. This, here, I find their happiness.
I have had an interest in this community for a while, stemming from a young age, and this project helped give me the necessary push to pursue the interest. What I came to find is a very accepting community that is often misjudged; whether appropriated by those who make a career of being acceptably contrary and having the notions of said people projected onto them, or by those who see their orange robes, yellow paint, and hear their foreign chants, and assume the worst. Any quarrel I have heard from people of them is either cosmetic, unbased, or plain mean. Even with all of my previous familiarity, I knew nothing of their actual practices or doctrines, and knew them only as an accessory to a bygone zeitgeist rather than a real and very much alive religion. The Hare Krishnas seem to be the most popular religion no one actually knows about, and after this semester of being among them this seems to me to be a most unjust shame.
*the names of the people I have encountered in the context of this ethnography have either been excised from the text or changed within it
Kristen Keenan
ReplyDeleteENC 1101-0M04
Peer Review of Adam Tran
Section 1, The Florida Rush Soccer Club
Synopsis: This paragraph just briefly introduces what Adam chose to write his paper about, the Florida Rush Soccer Club, and gives basic information about the club.
Support/Details: This paragraph was pretty vague and basic, offering little elaboration on why you chose this community. I don’t think that giving a basic “definition” of the club was a bad idea, as it prepared me for your next paragraph.
Ranking: 2
Section 2, Background Information
Synopsis: This paragraph gave the reader more background information on the Florida Rush Soccer Club, particularly their main goals and expansions as a club.
Support/Details: I liked how Adam included the specific names of the clubs that are part of Rush Soccer domestically and internationally. Otherwise, he was very straightforward with this paragraph, giving brief details. I think he should go more in depth regarding the clubs history and origins to spice up the paragraph—just a little bland.
Ranking: 1
Section 3, My Study and Observations
Synopsis: This paragraph was basically a summary of his observations of the Florida Rush training facility, touching base on location, interactions, players, vocabulary, and other elements that made up the community.
Support/Details: I honestly liked the details and how they were presented—I found it easy to understand his observations, as his sentences flowed well and were very clear. However, I would say that transitions from different elements of the community should be used. There were some transitions from element to element, but some were non-existent, breaking up the flow of the overall section/paragraph. Also, the study was very general—not a bad thing—but inserting quotes and more specific examples would make the paragraph even better.
Ranking: 5
Section 4, Chatting with Inaki Erkicia
Synopsis: This section went through Adam’s interview with Florida Rush U-18 soccer player Inaki Erkicia. He described Inaki’s role on the team and within the soccer community as a whole.
Support/Details: I felt Adam went the most in depth in this section, giving a detailed background on Inaki (i.e. plays midfield, going to FAU to play soccer, training in Spain). This section was the most effective and interesting to me as it gave me a grasp on how a player views the club (an insider’s view) and its impact on him. From this section I was also able to learn more about Florida Rush and what they aim to do/teach (for example life lessons and sportsmanship). I liked how he used this interview to introduce key components of the club; however, I felt the part about health should have been placed in another section—seemed thrown into the end of the interview.
Ranking: 3
Section 5, 2012 US National Championship
Synopsis: This paragraph highlighted perhaps the greatest accomplishment for the Rush Soccer Club; the Florida Rush U-18 team winning the UYSA National Championship in 2012.
Support/Details: Including the greatest accomplishment of the Florida Rush Club as a whole was a good addition to this paper, exemplifying the clubs success. I think to make it a little better and personal, Adam could include a quote from a player from the team or a picture to really help this huge accomplishment sink in for the reader.
Ranking: 4
Ranking Scale: 1-5, 1 being the worst and 5 being the best
Main Point: The Rush Soccer Club, particularly Florida Rush, does much more than provide a place for youth to play soccer; it promotes a healthy lifestyle, teaches life lessons, and encourages hard-work and perseverance.
Questions:
Could you make this paper more in depth through the use of quotes and interviews?
Could you organize this paper better in order to give it a better flow?
Could you add a conclusion to summarize your final thoughts?
Tania Wysong
ReplyDeleteENC 1101-0M03
Peer review of Talitha’s paper:
Paragraph 1: Synopsis: This is a good introduction to the community, straight to the point. It lets the reader know why you chose it and how you got involved in it. Support/Details: Why did you think fast food would be easy work? Maybe giving more details about a customer’s point of view would help support this paragraph. Ranking: 2/5. Why were you interested in working at Burger King? Did you have any preconceived ideas about the job?
Paragraph 2: Synopsis: This is a great way of introducing the company and its history to the readers. Support/Details: There is a very good point there talking about Burger King’s goal and their new approach with fast food. Ranking:4/5: Who are James McLamore and David Edgerton? Is there anything else interesting about them?
Paragraph 3: Synopsis: This paragraph introduces and describes very well what a Burger King worker does. Support/Details: The main detail here that describes what it takes to be a “newbie” is the speed requirement in fast food restaurants. What was it like for you? Ranking: 4/5. How does training work? When could a customer be dissatisfied?
Paragraph 4: Synopsis: This is a very good example of communication in the Burger King community. Describing how speed is measured is something very important and interesting to know.
Support/Details: The SOS and the 2:30 details are crucial in this paragraph. It would be helpful to know how often this requirement is actually met. Ranking: 5/5. How is the store penalized? How was your communication with management?
Paragraph 5: Synopsis: This paragraph does a good job as an extension of paragraph 4, describing more details about the stress involved in the job and adding more to the invisible tension. Support/Details: The kitchen minder is the main support for the idea. How is everyone supposed to keep up with the kitchen minder? Ranking: 5/5. Why do managers expect employees to know about it from the very first day? Is there any training or explanation?
(Continued)
ReplyDeleteParagraph 6: Synopsis: This paragraph is very well written and lets the reader know that the relationship with management is important and healthy depending on the quality of each manager. Support/Details: It is crucial for a store to have a manager involved in decisions and a team player. What do you think could be the reason behind the constant change in management? Ranking: 2/5. What are the responsibilities of the general manager? It would be very interesting to hear a GM’s point of view of the company, perhaps interviewing him would be a good idea.
Paragraph 7: Synopsis: This paragraph does a very good job describing how being a newbie feels in the company. Support/Details: It is one thing to be liked and another thing to be respected. That is so true and a great detail to add, it actually applies to every situation in life. Ranking: 4/5. How is the communication between employees? Are your doubts or questions asked when you need help?
Paragraph 8: Synopsis: This paragraph is a good conclusion of what being a Burger King worker is all about. It lets us know the importance of this employees, to appreciate their efforts and value them as well as the customer is valued. Support/Details: The example used with the Spanish speaking manager supports the paragraph very well. Ranking: 5/5. What did you learn from this experience? How is this experience helping you right now or in your future career plans?
Allison Serafine ENC1101-0M06 Ethnography Paper – Draft 1
ReplyDelete1) Some communities are out in the open about what happens behind their closed doors, and some are just a little more mysterious and exclusive; Walt Disney World’s Entertainment department is of the latter. To many, the Walt Disney World Resort is a place they associate with happy memories as children, or adults, and never really think of it as a work place to over 60,000 “Cast Members”. And those that do think of the idea of workers making all this “magic” possible they quickly realize it is a tight knit and confidential house of secrets, the greatest of these being the Entertainment guild. The Entertainment department includes parade dancers, castle show dancers, and of course, character performers. Behind, or rather under, the Walt Disney Parks lays a group of people who transform on stage and streets to become your favorite fairytale characters so that you can meet them and feel like you’ve been dropped into your favorite movie or story; that’s their job description. But what happens when they have to be themselves off stage? Do they continue the fantasy of prince and princess or do they full morph back into their real selves? And with so many different roles, do they all interact? Or do they simply fall into ranks and status quos? None too often are people open about how the magic and the mouse come together to make dreams come true, until now.
Topic: Walt Disney world is more mysterious about their operations so they can contain the element of magic in their parks
Purpose: Introduce the ethnography that is going to be studied throughout the paper
Key Support: This paragraph clearly identifies how the paper is going to be laid out and has excelled use of details
Rank: On a scale 1-10 I think this paragraph definitely serves as a nine in relation to details, specificity and clarification on introducing your topic.
Where Did It All Start? “Let the Memories Begin!”
2) When someone enters into any of the Walt Disney Parks they are welcomed by the phrase “Let the memories begin!” The Walt Disney World Entertainment community was officially created at the opening of Magic Kingdom within the resort in Orlando, Florida on October 1st, 1971. However, it has its roots all the way back in 1955, when Walt Disney opened his first theme park, Disneyland, in Anaheim, California. After its incredibly, almost shocking, success Walt decided he wanted to create another park “somewhere in paradise”, and to him this meant the very center of Florida, which is namely Orlando. Because of the unsupportive locals, Walt Disney was forced to create a bunch of fake small businesses and purchase the land only a few acres at a time, in order to disguise what was soon to come to the area as it was the local’s nightmare. When all was said and done Walt Disney had acquired over 30,000 acres, or three times the size of Manhattan. This land was dubbed “Walt Disney World Resort”. First was built Magic Kingdom, and of course came the need for “cast members”, especially characters and parade performers, and the Walt Disney World Entertainment community was born. In its infant age, the community was home to 5,500 cast members. Now, 42 years later, its employees over 66,000 “cast members” split into over 3,700 different jobs and duties, and over 8,000 of them are character performers or parade cast or dancers, all entertainment community members. Even within the entertainment community there are so many varying roles, and even an unsaid “food chain”; dancers, parade performers, “fur” (headed) characters, and ultimately “face” characters. A lot of mystery falls in with these performers, as no one really thinks of them as people when you come in contact with them as a guest in the park, Princess Cinderella IS Cinderella, not a brunette in her twenties, right? Correct. The embodiment of the characters sometimes shines through with the real people who play them, and sometimes not for the best as it causes affirmation of this “food chain” and how sometimes those that plays different roles tend to not interact.
ReplyDeleteTopic: The creation of Disney World was a long process and created by Walt Disney in the 1900’s
Purpose: To provide the readers with some background knowledge on Disney World
Key Support: I would include more of a time line including dates, and people on when exactly which parks were opened and how long they each took, the paragraph veers a little bit when you talk about the cast members
Rank: I would scale this paragraph a 6 because I think you provide some very good information, but don’t elaborate on it. I would love to read a little more about the overall history and the formation of each of the parks!
3) “We all play dress up, why can’t we just play together?” -Unidentified Cast Member Upon entering Magic Kingdom, arguably the most focal park of the four, guests (as visitors are called) are bombarded with cookie smells, whimsical music, and their first opportunity to interact with some character entertainers by meeting Pluto and Marie. These are called “fur characters”, as they have a head, as opposed to “face characters” that do not. Within the WDW Entertainment community there is almost an unspoken food chain of “face characters” slightly above the “fur characters” even though they all do practically the same job, with the exception that fur characters communicate through movement and face characters use their voices. And yet, as I sat and watched in a neutral area where both types f performers were located it was evident that there was much more fraternization occurring between performers or like roles. To be more clear, a fur character and a face character my interact or share small conversation, but it is clear that they are closer and have an already established relationship with other fur characters, and less numerous friendships with those of face roles or ever parade dancers. The most shocking part about this lack of cross over communication is that they all tend to be within the same area, even same break rooms, but the separation remains. It’s clear that, with few exceptions, the spilt of the groups is not malicious or out of disdain, but just of different interest or even different expectations and training of the roles. Consider the cast of a play, the main star will most closely associate with the other main stars of the play, and less with those that hold cameo parts. Within WDW there are no insufficient roles, every role is incredibly valuable and irreplaceable in order to keep the magic up and alive, however some are treated as more necessary, and are typically based off of guest requests and poll taking.
ReplyDeleteTopic: There is a developed hierocracy system between the different cast members of Disney
Purpose: Give an insight of the life of the cast members and how Disney operates behind the scenes
Key Support: Giving the examples of the different members definitely helped me envision how exactly they would act towards each other and gave me a visual of Disney behind the glamour
Rank: I would rank this paragraph a 8 because it was very descriptive about it’s purpose and cast members however at the beginning you focused more on the atmosphere of Disney and I think that paragraph could be used elsewhere in the essay because it had very good imagery
4) Being an active member of said community I am very familiar with this “status quo” that falls upon the Entertainment department of Walt Disney World I have seen this division of performers plenty of times, but as I sat back and watched in effort to really study the communication style of this community I learned something invaluable: no one seems bothered by the fact that they are don’t interact with other “roles”. I witnessed this as I sat in a joint break room (fur and face) and watched as many people conversed, many of them are clearly regularly in this location so they are close friends or acquaintances. Yet again they typically had short, pathetic conversations with a performer of a different role, and most of the conversations that held more than just talking about the weather took place between two people of similar roles.
Topic: The performers divide themselves between “fur and face”
Purpose: Show that it doesn’t bother the cast members that the division is so clearly defined
Key Support: Supports the previous paragraph and provides more of a detailed look
Rank: This paragraph would be a six for me, it didn’t provide much substantial information and I didn’t quite understand what you were trying to convey
5) There was one particular instance that exuberates this. A woman walks in, I will call her Girl #1, as I was not able to catch her name. She seems to be in her mid-twenties and is donning her plain white t-shirt and black sweatpants that are her “uniform” for the time being. Also, she carries her bag that holds enough activities and reading material to keep her occupied for as long as she may be on the clock sitting in this room, waiting for assignment. Girl #1 is casual in her demeanor; she is clearly used to this morning routine. A woman in passing through the room and the two greet each other kindly, saying “they are ready for another day of making magic” and the woman continues on her way. Now a man enters the room. He is also wearing a plain white t-shirt and black shorts instead of pants, and he too appears to be in his mid-twenties and also has a bag, smaller than Girl #1’s, and he is clearly a “spare” today as well. The two know each other as they hardly say hello before entering into a conversation, I assume he too is a regular in this routine. Their conversation is off like a race horse, they are discussing last night’s events and the drama that it held. I am unaware of details as they are using very informal language and “inside” coding so that others won’t be able to know more than they would like them too. As they settle in to their benches they quiet down and are ready to start their day.
ReplyDeleteTopic: Walt Disney world is more mysterious about their operations so they can contain the element of magic in their parks
Purpose: Introduce the ethnography that is going to be studied throughout the paper
Key Support: This paragraph clearly identifies how the paper is going to be laid out and has excelled use of details
Rank: On a scale 1-10 I think this paragraph definitely serves as a nine in relation to details, specificity and clarification on introducing your topic.
6) As I asked my informant, who is actually a fellow classmate, character performer, and new friend, Krystine Colon, and asked her what she thought when she considered relationships between Cast Members of all types, even outside of performers, this was her response: “In the entertainment department we are a giant family that everyone knows, loves, and even hate. Performers do tend to stitch together but we welcome our photo pass and attendants. Some performers have most of a relationship with attendants or photo pass than they do with other performers of even maybe family and friends.” I agree that we are united as cast members, just as we are “uknighted” at UCF. However, does the Football Team connect with the Rowing Team? I can tell you as a former Rowing Team member that the answer is no. Would they have their backs against another school? Absolutely. Same for the WDW Entertainment cast. When another performer comes under criticism there is a vast sea of fellow performers behind them, but when it comes to simple communication or even friendship is almost always between like-role cast members.
Topic: Cast performers of the same genre generally get along better and have a stronger relationship than different cast members
Purpose: To explain the different relationships each cast member has with each other and how deep that relationship goes
Key Support: This paragraph outlines what kind of relationships are formed
Rank: I would give this paragraph an 8 because it is very descriptive and detailed in determining the relationships with the cast
7) When it comes to authority figures, which are very numerous as there is one for every location, performance, role type, and occasion, and are typically in the form of managers. As in almost all work or professional communities there is an obvious divide of personalization between employees and authority figures. That same goes for the WDW entertainment cast when in the actual workplace, however there are many people who are regulars in one particular location that have formed external friendships with the managers they see daily and you can clearly see the difference. The managers tend to attempt to be close and connected to their cast members, given the challenge that beyond regulars they are different almost every day, and tend to lean more toward informal and even slang vocabulary only to be reciprocated with formal “yes sir” or “no ma’am” by the cast. As in other work places, there is that subtle fear struck in employees of ill-speaking or getting too comfortable with management. It is notorious for being a one way street. And Ms. Colon is no except, for when I asked about her thoughts on the mangers and authoritative figures she has come in contact with she gave this response: “I have only met one or two manager that I dislike working with or being near with, but other than that, many of the manager, and captain I never really have a problem with. I look at them with positive feelings and respect them ( my job is on the line if I do not).”
ReplyDeleteTopic: Defining the cast and the authorities figures relationships
Purpose: To allow the reader to understand that the job is taken very seriously by authorities figures and lines are drawn between friendship and business
Key Support: This paragraph goes in depth on Disney and it’s execution of business
Rank: I would give this paragraph a five just because I think it needs a lot more detail given, maybe some examples or a story
8) I witnessed, in the same day as the example above, an interaction of a manger with his cast. He had just walked in to the “spare room” and the casual and cool conversation among employees almost immediately ceases. The manager is very peppy and chipper as he issues a “hey everyone! How are things going in here?!” only to be offered a quick and dull response of “good” from employees. There is no disdain between the two parties, the employees and managers, but there is tension. The manager talks to a girl that he clearly knows better than the rest. She is at ease and gives him positive feedback on her day and he the same, and yet the conversation is much more formal than it is between same-level Cast Members. While the manager continues to try to be informal with the others they continue to reply formally, creating a clear divide between the groups. Soon, he leaves and the conversation of the break room resume as before.
Topic: A manager should be treated much more formally than another cast member
Purpose: To define the role and respect given to an authority figure versus just another cast member
Key Support: The girl in the example is very tense while talking to the manager and seems strained rather than at ease
Rank: This paragraph is a four because it contradicts what you were saying in the earlier paragraphs, it seems like the manager is okay with talking informally but the paragraph above says that it’s frowned upon to do so.
9) Outside of the work place the percent of people who fraternize on their own time and those who don’t are split about fifty-fifty. Commuters or part-time cast members, such as me and Ms. Colon, are typically among those who do not. Simply due to distance or lack of similar interests there is really little ways to connect outside of work if you do not exert a lot of time and energy to the cause. Ms. Colon chimes in with her thoughts on the matter of extending herself to relationships with coworkers. “Because I am only part time, I barely make strong friendships with those at work. Most of the cast members at work are either full time or a CP, so they see everyone more than I will, or that they have been working in the company for more than a year. I am myself at work. If I make a new friend that's great, I do not try and force myself on to someone I just met, just to gain a new friend. Although the more and more I work, the more people remember and know me, which is exciting because I don't feel alone when I'm at work… sadly I am not close friend with people at work to hang out or see them outside of work. Although I have seen a few performers that go to UCF, but we never really have time to chat because we have to get to class.” Overall the WDW Entertainment Department does hold many varying forms of communication, whether it is a break room, with a manger, or just around the tunnels that network through the park. The community is ever-growing and the same will go for their communications in the future.
ReplyDeleteTopic: Part time cast members aren’t very emerged into the discourse community
Purpose: Provide an example of how part time cast members feel more lonely at work and aren’t fully acclimated into their community
Key Support: The example of Colon and how she doesn’t spend time with anyone outside or work even though some of them go to her very school
Rank: This paragraph would be a 7 because it was very insightful but I don’t think it concluded the paper very well
Main Point: Disney has a lot of different levels to its discourse community, many of the cast members are divided into groups and there is a big gap between management and the cast. I would suggest to maybe focus on other aspects of Disney as well such as operations, specific operations the cast members execute and guest interactions.
Questions:
1) What was your biggest problem when acclimating into the community?
2) How well are you acclimated now versus when you first started the job and what helped with that transition?
Taylor Beam
ReplyDeleteENC1101-0M06
I will review your paper.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteJasmine Tagle
ReplyDeleteENC 1101 - OM06
Part One
Dormitories are found at every University: athlete dorms, out of state dorms, freshmen dorms, etc. Even though we are now in college, we still need someone to make sure our first dorming year goes well. According to UCF, the resident assistant position “is a live-in position that requires you to reside in an assigned apartment or efficiency as your primary place of residence during your employment with us.” So a resident assistant is basically the equivalent of a landlord.
At the University of Central Florida, as in most Universities, each floor of each dorm hall has a different RA. A resident assistant is a job therefore you are compensated as well as given a discount for your living arrangements. Just like any other job there are requirements; to become an RA you must maintain a 2.75 GPA or higher, currently enrolled in classes, free of conduct violations, and of course a background check. Along with a job comes many responsibilities, for a resident assistant they must deal with crisis response, conflict resolution, community development, and much more. The most common responsibility is conflict resolution. With incoming freshmen, new to college and new to the real world, there are bound to be problems. I think the reason this usually happens is because not everyone is compatible with everyone so imagine going from your parents house with a bedroom all to yourself to now having to share a room with someone you’ve never even met before. Anyway the main job of a resident assistant is to make sure that the living situations are running as smoothly as possible.
At first I was going to do research on the UCF police department seeing as how I want to go into a similar field of work. During the beginnings of this essay I was looking for a place to live for next fall and figured that digging deeper into a resident assistant’s job as well as the community as a whole would benefit me in the short run so I decided on the UCF dorm community. Since I do not live on campus anymore, I used my friend’s dorm. The Libra community is separated into six different buildings: Brevard, Citrus, Flagler, Orange Seminole, and Sumter. Libra is strictly for first year students and has one room style which is the residence hall suite with two shared occupancy rooms along with a shared bathroom between the four roommates. Just like every other dorm, it is fully furnished and each floor has their own common room with a television, sofa, and table.
Jasmine Tagle
ReplyDeleteENC 1101 - OM06
Part Two
Christine Fernandez is a Junior at the University of Central Florida and has been a resident assistant for two years now. She is currently the resident assistant for the second floor in the Seminole Hall building. I interviewed a couple of her residents before I actually interviewed Christine herself and learned that she is very friendly and easy to talk to. Naturally the first question I asked was, “What made you want to become an RA?” Christine likes living on campus because it’s convenient and being a resident assistant allows her to meet new people and gain experience in the work field. Every resident assistant comes across the same problems, things such as breaking rules or not being respectful of property. Christine said that those are the most common infractions as well as just not listening during floor meetings.
There are six different buildings in the Libra community, each hall has their own Facebook group to communicate amongst each other. The Facebook group makes it much more convenient to talk to your coworkers if you need any advice or help with a problem on your floor. As for communicating with the big man, Area Coordinator, there are weekly meetings held to make sure everyone is doing their job properly and to bring to your Area Coordinator’s attention any situation that is too out of control for just a resident assistant to handle. Since a resident assistant is a job within the Housing and Residence Life, everything is handled in a professional manner. Just like any other job all meetings are mandatory and although the community acts like a family, there is still a sense of professionalism which sometimes requires formal speech rather than every day slang.
For my first semester at the University of Central Florida, I lived on campus in the Nike dorms. My resident assistant’s name was Omar Padilla. Along with being a resident assistant he works with the Campus Activities Board coordinating concerts and other events. Since I had the pleasure to live next door to him during the summer semester of 2012, I can truly say that he was a great resident assistant as well as a very kind person overall. Just like Christine, Omar became a resident assistant to have a job on campus. Also like the Libra community, the Nike community uses weekly meetings to communicate with each other and their Area Coordinators.
After delving deeper into the resident assistant position, it really makes me appreciate them more. It also shows me that their job is a lot more difficult than it seems. From an outside perspective, it seems as if all resident assistants do is have monthly floor meetings with residents. Furthermore in my experience, the meetings barely went well because there were always those few people who obviously didn’t want to be there but were forced so they would act as if they are still in high school. Now I know that they have to deal with way too many students from a real situation to a tiny complaint.
Peter Hoang
ReplyDeleteENC 1101-OMO3
Review for Sebastian Brinkherhoff’s Discourse Ethnography
Paragraph 1 – Introduction of the discourse community, which in this case is an art gallery called Collector’s Corner.
• Support/Details – This introductory paragraph gives a good start to your paper. It explains where the discourse community is, who runs it, and how it functions.
• Grade Scale 1-5 (5 Being the Highest) – 4
Good start to the paper. Introduced the discourse community that you are research, given the location and name of the art gallery. Also introduced the two men who mostly runs the the art gallery.
Paragraph 2 – Talks about visiting the art gallery every week for the last month to be more familiarize with the community.
• Support/Details – Saying that he want to be an art dealer in the future, he feels that he should be in the community more, so he visited the gallery every weekend for the whole month. Hopefully he could get more contacts and see how it really works in dealing with art.
• Grade Scale 1-5 (5 Being the Highest) – 5
This paragraph gives details to why he chose this community. The passion to want to be an art dealer and even recognize that he should expose himself in the community more in order to know how the art dealer community really works along with the potential connections he could make with clients and artists.
Paragraph 3 – Talks about the scenery when being in the art gallery.
• Support/Details – describing when he saw and what was required when he first walked in there. The requirement of a button down shirt and dress pants or anything fancy that you need for a special event. Seeing a sense of wealth in the environment. Describing the scenery – green granite floors and, wall-to-wall glass windows, staircase lined with red carpet, ambience is set of royalty.
• Grade Scale 1-5 (5 Being the Highest) – 5
• I really love the detail that was in this paragraph. Really accurate to the point where you can picture yourself actually at the art gallery. This is the best paragraph of your whole paper in my opinion. Seeing that most people who attend art gallery, is there any specific terms or phrases that you only hear from the riches compare to the commons? Adding this part I think could yet give more details to this paragraph.
Paragraph 4 – Saw how an art dealer actually works his job and the process that follows.
• Support/Details – Made an assumption that an art dealer sells artistic pieces, but realize that there is a whole other process where you have to communicate with the directors and get an approval and such.
• Grade Scale 1-5 (5 Being the Highest) – 3
This is where you realize the process behind being an art dealer. This is a success in learning more about being an art dealer! Maybe you could give a few example of what an art dealer does to better visualize this. Maybe give an example of one of your dad’s routine.
Paragraph 5 – Continuing his realization of the process to being an art dealer, this paragraph goes into details about what an art dealer does.
• Support/Details – He was very surprised on all the work you have to do as an art dealer. First you have to find an artist, make connections and negotiate with the artists, then contact and negotiate with the directors of an art gallery too. The explanation in this paragraph shows that the person now knows much more of how an art dealer does his/her job.
• Grade Scale 1-5 (5 Being the Highest) – 5
Added more details to what an art dealer does. I can see that this person is learning more about the work that an art dealer does. Like before, lots of details which is good, but I think it could be a benefit to add an example also to give a visual.
Paragraph 6 – This paragraph describes the process of his dad doing his job.
ReplyDelete• Support/Details – Explains how his dad and him has to drive from Fort Lauderdale to Naples every day in order to set up and prep the art gallery for that day. He discovered that his dad was not joking when he works over 80 hours a week.
• Grade Scale 1-5 (5 Being the Highest) – 4
This paragraph mainly describes the process that your dad has to take in order to make the art gallery a success. You know what must be done at a specific time. You also realize how much work must be done on a weekly basis, but seeing that your dad has the passion for it and that you also have the passion, time doesn’t matter in this case.
Paragraph 7 – This paragraph mostly describe one of his father’s friend and CEO, Jay Baker.
• Support/Details – Talks about the situation of Jay Baker and how he wasn’t really dressed to attend the art gallery, but his dad knows him enough to let him stay at the event. Talks about all the other board members and how they were rich and suited to be a part of an art gallery event.
• Grade Scale 1-5 (5 Being the Highest) – 5
Saying how you also meet with the board and director of these art galleries, you also include a story with one of the CEO himself, Jay Baker. This is an example I’m looking for in the previous paragraphs. I can see you meeting this person and such and that gives a visual and more details about your experience in the art gallery.
Paragraph 8 – This paragraph shows how Mr. Baker treated Sebastian and his father to dinner.
• Support/Details – Seeing how nice Mr. Baker was during dinner by offering wine and paying for the meal shows the dominance against businessmen. Showing courtesy toward an art dealer gives you a chance of getting a piece of artwork in a price that is more negotiable and fair to you than to the art dealer.
• Grade Scale 1-5 (5 Being the Highest) – 4
This continues with another story about Jay Baker. Here you provided an example of the treatment you could get from a CEO or potential art buyer. The way Mr. Baker treated you and your dad nicely along with paying for dinner helps play a role in negotiating later for a piece of art with a price range in his favor.
Paragraph 9 – This short paragraph is just a side story of the other art dealer and his skills ay selling an art piece.
ReplyDelete• Support/Details – Explains on how Mr. Mann convinced the three ladies to buy a dog sculpture. How Mr. Mann thought quick on his feet on convincing the ladies to buy the sculpture.
• Grade Scale 1-5 (5 Being the Highest) – 4
I like how you add this side story right after you recently came back from dinner. This scene here shows one of the many required skills to being an art dealer, marketing skills. Here you describe how the other art dealer, Mr. Mann convinced the three ladies into buying the dog sculpture. The interesting thing was he had to think of how to sell the sculpture right on the spot.
Paragraph 10 – This paragraph explains what the person saw behind-the-scene of the art show
• Support/Details – Says how he saw a vault of a bunch of other artistic piece ready to be shown in the future. Founds out the reasons for having a vault full of artwork so clienteles would be interested in looking for new stuff. Saw why some artwork are framed and displayed permanently. Had a chance to handle some work in the vault himself.
• Grade Scale 1-5 (5 Being the Highest) – 5
Here he described what it was like behind the scene. Seeing how the rest of the artworks are protected and how to handle them and frame them, he’s experiencing first hand on what happens in preparation for the art gallery. He also knows much about why there is a vault and why the art pieces are changed from time to time to keep the customers interested. It was also interesting that he was one of the few to experience this situation.
Paragraph 11 – This paragraph shows what kind of communication goes within the community.
• Support/Details – Communications were mostly through emails and text messages. Discovers that most clients were affluent enough to even have secretaries and was surprised for that fact.
• Grade Scale 1-5 (5 Being the Highest) – 2
This paragraph explains how communication is achieved between the art gallery communities. This can be from the art dealers to the director or art dealer to a buyer or even an art dealers to the artist themselves. He also made the discovery that even the common people have secretaries. The reason for a 2 in this paragraph is because this seems to be the last paragraph, but it wasn’t a clear ending paragraph. If you could add a conclusion paragraph, it would make the paper look better.
Main Point: The main point I see in this discourse ethnography is that being an art dealer takes a lot of work and skills. You have to have negotiable skills to set a commissioner price with the artist as well as discussing the price with the director of the art gallery. You should also have marketing skills so you can convince potential art buyers to buy pieces of artwork available at the gallery.
Questions:
1. Seeing that you want to be an art dealer like your father, did you learn any skills from your father that you could use in the future throughout your trip to the art gallery?
2. Do you still visit the gallery now? Do you still plan to visit the gallery in the future?
Rodrigo Ruiz I will Review your paper!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteBrandon Lee ENC 1101-0M04
DeleteParagraph 1: Rating 9 out of 10. The purpose of this paragraph is to describe the sorority house as an opener. The details about the house give a very descriptive mental image of the layout. I think this gives plenty of details and does a very good job at portraying the house.
Paragraph 2: Rating 8 out of 10. This paragraph describes the history behind the sorority house. I'm guessing that this was one of the first sorority chapters created because you say woman's fraternity? Thorough information about the starting and evolution of the sorority house. Could use a little more explanation about the process of creating the house, but otherwise has nice content.
Paragraph 3: Rating 6 out of 10. The purpose of this paragraph is to describe a particular event that goes on at the house. This talks about "theta time" describing what goes on during this designated time and the discussions that go on. I thought this paragraph provides the overview of the night, but could use a specific night that has happened prior talking about an actual "theta time".
Paragraph 4: Rating 8 out of 10. I found this very interesting about he GIN system and how you use it to keep track of everything. These types of systems seem to be very beneficial when spreading the word about important information. I like the idea of these types of systems rather than personal text messages. Has proper analysis about the system and interaction it has throughout the house.
Sunday Funday
ReplyDeleteIt’s a Sunday night around 7 and everyone is at the house “dressed to pin” for our weekly chapter meeting. Dressed to pin means wearing chapter appropriate clothes consisting of dress pants and a nice sleeved top, or an appropriate length dress or skirt that covers your shoulders as well as close toed shoes or heels. Of course on top of these dressed to pin clothes and over our hearts we wear our pin, shaped like a kite and adorned with gold and black. We have what we like to call “theta time”, which is where almost everything runs just a tad late in the Theta mansion. While chapter starts at 7, we usually don’t get lined up and ready to go in until a few minutes after. I guess we all get too wrapped up in discussing our weekends, visiting sister’s bedrooms, or taking pictures. Chapter is a time where we catch up on all of the important news, events and announcements happening not only in the theta world but also in the whole UCF Greek community. We often have visitors from other fraternities and sororities come in and announce events they will be holding. Sometimes we get lucky and they’ll bring along treats such as cookies or candy to encourage us to come out and participate. The way we run things during chapter is ritualistic and only to be known amongst initiated sisters.
Connected Through the Web
Communication is vital to keep the chapter running. The GIN System is a website we use to keep track of everything important in Theta. Everyone has an account and through this we can see announcements, post questions, vote on polls, look up emails, post files, pretty much anything. GIN is also hooked up to a text messaging system, where if an announcement is very urgent or important they will send out a mass text message with the announcement. Using GIN keeps everybody on the same page and I check it at least a few times each day. Facebook is another huge form of communication for the sorority as a whole. We have different groups for each different intramural sport, I’m in a group with my pledge class, my Greek family has a group, and of course TFL, our main group with all of the thetas included. While GIN is used for more formal things, TFL is used for more informal things like asking to borrow something, general questions, or just to share funny or interesting articles or pictures.
Brandon Lee ENC 1101-0M04
DeleteParagraph 5: Rating 7 out of 10. I believe this could of provided more analysis of what goes on at these house meetings. Maybe provide specific details of what actually happens, such as concerns that are addressed. A specific topic being talked about will help provide more importance in this paragraph about the meetings held.
Paragraph 6: Rating 8 out of 10. The purpose is to describe how even though you leave the house you are always part of it. I like how you state that you wear the letters in your heart forever. The analysis provides good information about the section and also does a good job at explain the future of the sisters.
The main point of this paper is to describe a specific sorority house and the community inside. Several different aspects are covered in this paper providing thorough information about the house itself, the history, events held, and sisters within the sorority. The paper provides descriptive information and allows others to see how this community works.
Questions: Why did you choose this house?
How did your bid and initiation process start?
A Word with an Officer
ReplyDeleteI am a newly initiated sister and I have not yet had the chance to hold a position in the house, so I haven’t had any experience with how the sister’s who hold positions communicate. So in order to better understand and find out about this I leaned to my friend, Amber Lampert. Amber is on the Executive Board in our chapter of Kappa Alpha Theta serving as our PanHellenic Representative. When asked what, to whom, and by what means she communicates with she responded with saying “The biggest thing is our Pan (Short for PanHellenic) meeting every Wednesday.” Each week, everyone in a PanHellenic sorority is invited out to a different sorority house to enjoy snacks and beverages while the Pan Officers all make announcements and keep each other up to date on the doings of their sorority. They then relay this information back to their entire chapter during Sunday chapter meetings. She also said she talks to other officers in Theta “through emails, group text, and we also have a Facebook group”.
Theta for a Lifetime
Some may assume once your four years are up and you graduate, your Greek life is over. This couldn’t be more incorrect. One of our biggest mottos in Kappa Alpha Theta is “Theta for a lifetime”. This means once you accept your bid and are initiated, you not only wear your letters materialistically, you wear them on your heart forever. The values and sisters you make carry on with you for the rest of your life. There are ways Thetas stay connected after graduation and this is through alumnae groups and through the Kappa Alpha Theta Magazine. Alumnae groups allow thetas to stay connected to other thetas around the world throughout the rest of their life through different programs and events. The Kappa Alpha Theta Magazine is a magazine sent out every April, June, September and December to current Theta members, Theta Life Loyal members, and Theta alumnae who are part of an alumnae group. The magazine is full of events and news related to everything Kappa Alpha Theta and this helps keep the chapters around the country up to date with each other and alumnae up to date with the current Theta happenings.
Skylar Summers
ReplyDeleteENC 1101 – oMo4
April 26, 2013
Taylor Beam Reviewed Paper!!
Paragraph 1: The first paragraph is about IRE and the struggles of being a waiter at a fine dining restaurant. There are certain rules to abide by.
Support/Details – This paragraph is a great introduction. It describes how this serving differs from a regular restaurant like Chili’s or Applebee’s. It tells of the struggles you face and the rewards of money that comes with the job and when you had the job.
Grade Scale 1 = low 6 = high. – I give this paragraph a 5. It had a lot of information and gave the reader a better insight on what to expect. You could improve on describing the East and West. That kind of threw me off and what does “ACTS” stand for?
Paragraph 2. The second paragraph is how the servers build relationships with the residents. They tell how much they love the servers and ask about their life.
Grade Scale 1 = low 6 = high – I would give this a 3. There is good information, but I would build on the people who do not enjoy you or the people that are hard to please. And go into an example of someone you know who would always talk to you.
Paragraph 3. Paragraph 3 gives a lot of background information and lets the reader know a lot more about the retirement community and how it all started.
Grade Scale 1 = Low 6 = high – I would give this a 5. There is a lot of good information present. There was a lot of information just thrown out there like a dictionary that’s why I gave it a 5. It is good and maybe you could mix in some commentary along with all the facts.
Paragraph 4. This paragraph describes the two managers of the restaurant. It breaks down who they are and there reactions in certain situations. How one is cool and one is very anal about different things. The author seems to be annoyed with Belinda, along with everyone else lol
Grade Scale 1 = Low 6 = high – I give this paragraph a 6. It is funny and shows the true personalities of these people. I feel like every restaurant has that one manager that no one likes, but from their POV it must be very stressful for them.
Paragraph 5. This paragraph is a money issue and how different servers make different money with different managers. It shows how one manager actually manages and gets jobs done while the other one sits in the background.
Grade Scale 1 = Low 6 = high – I give this a 4. It is concise and to the point, you could add more to it. Have examples of people who have either worked for either people or two different stories from two different servers.
Paragraph 6. This paragraph is about Jeff and the role he plays as overall manager. He does a great job with being interactive with the customers and seems to enjoy what he does.
Grade Scale 1 = Low 6 = high – I give this a 5. It really shows how Jeff is and how he cares about the company he runs. It is to the point and really tells how Jeff cares and isn’t there just for the money.
Paragraph 7. This is the conclusion or just the last paragraph posted. It is about Jeff and how when it comes to crunch time he is a strickler and demands respect which is a good thing. I don’t know if there is more to the blog or another posting somewhere but I couldn’t find it.
Grade Scale 1 = Low 6 = high – I give this a 2. It should be wrapping up the whole paper but its just seems like another paragraph. This could not be the whole paper or I could have skipped over it. But all in all this was a good paper and would be great with a good ending and a few touches.
Main Point: The main point throughout the paper was the managers and the way it is controlled. There is a lot that goes on in a restaurant and people you have to please and rules you have to abide by. It stays on topic and mainly discusses the inside parts of how the restaurant works.
Two questions: 1) I would like to know what ACT stands for?
2) How did you enjoy working there and who did you interview?
Gabriela Lozada
ReplyDeleteENC 1101-0M03
Peer Review for: Dylan Adams ENC 1101-0M03
Paragraph 1
topic/purpose: This purpose of the paragraph is to present Confisco’s Grille and Backwater Bar and give a little background information on the restaurant to the reader.
support/details: I think this paragraph gives sufficient detail, great job! I especially liked the sentence in which you described the physical aspect of the restaurant.
From a scale from 1-5 (5 being the highest) in terms of effectiveness: I’d give this paragraph a 5 because you did a great job of setting the stage for the rest of your essay and I have nothing to really critique.
Paragraph 2
topic/purpose: This sentence describes the chaos that goes on a day to day basis at Confisco’s Grille.
support/details: Again, I’m really impressed with the way you describe the mayhem that is custom to this eatery. You have a really great way of painting a picture with the choice of words you selected.
From a scale from 1-5 (5 being the highest) in terms of effectiveness: I would score this paragraph with a 5 because you eloquently get your point across without leaving me with questions about what goes on in the restaurant.
Paragraph 3
topic/purpose: This paragraph is about the dynamic between the staff at Confisco’s.
support/details: I know I’m seeming like an easy grader but I honestly have nothing bad to say about your paper so far! Yet again, you did an awesome job of giving a lot of vivid detail.
From a scale from 1-5 (5 being the highest) in terms of effectiveness: This one gets a 5 too! The way you described the interaction between the employees painted a really clear image in my mind.
Paragraph 4
topic/purpose: This paragraph is about the interview you had with the Chef of the restaurant.
support/details: I think this is solid paragraph, the support to the claims in this paragraph is the interview.
From a scale from 1-5 (5 being the highest) in terms of effectiveness: I’d give this paragraph a 4 because I think you could have elaborated with your own opinion a little further but overall it’s still an effective paragraph.
Paragraph 5
topic/purpose: This paragraph is about the importance of the communication that goes on in the restaurant.
support/details: Out of all your paragraphs, I think this one had the most detail!
From a scale from 1-5 (5 being the highest) in terms of effectiveness: This one is 4 because of the placement of this paragraph in your essay. I think it’d be more effective to place this one after talking about the dynamic of the employees but aside from that, great paragraph.
Paragraph 6
topic/purpose: This was the conclusion of your ethnography paper.
support/details: I think this paragraph could use a little more detail.
From a scale from 1-5 (5 being the highest) in terms of effectiveness: This paragraph is a 3 in my eyes because it leaves a lot to be desired. You could definitely improve your conclusion but by adding more supporting details.
Main theme: I reoccurring theme I noticed in your paper is that of the differences between Confisco's which is in a theme park vs a regular restaurant.
Two questions:
Why did you choose to investigate this community in the first place?
After thoroughly investigating this community, is there anything different that you will be or have been doing while on the job?
Chinudno Egwuatu
ReplyDeleteENC 1101-OM06
I shall review Jasmine Tagle's paper
Trevor Gross
ReplyDeleteENC 1101
4 / 19 / 2013
Trust Your Face To A Facial Plastic Surgeon
1.
In the heart of the city of Lake Mary, Florida lies Primera Plastic Surgery center. Primera Plastic surgery center is a thirteen thousand square foot surgical center owned and run by Dr. Gross. The facility was opened in 2004 and continues to thrive. Primera Plastic surgery is an architectural feat not only structurally, but also because of its unique design. The first thing you notice about Primera Plastic surgery center is the beautiful travertine marble statue of David in the center of the parking lot. After that comes the appreciation of the exquisite attention to detail presented in the flowerbeds that encompass around the building. The front entrance is lined with a beautiful stained red brick, which leads to an even more extravagant inside. Upon entering Primera Plastic surgery center your instantly impacted by a feeling that this facility is very organized and clean. The front desk sits between two Corinthian style columns that help create organized vibe throughout the room. At either end of the waiting room, running parallel to the front desk, are two fifty inch flat screens, which as you guessed add to this feeling of cleanliness. Further contributing to the clean feeling throughout the facility is the simplicity of its design combined with the attention to detail. The Corinthian style columns (same as in the waiting room) continue throughout the facility, progressively getting more and more intricate. Primera Plastic surgery center is a beautiful operating center that epitomizes the three things that any and all facial surgeons should also epitomize: beauty, cleanliness, and attention to detail.
Topic & Purpose: Brings the reader to experience the atmosphere of Primera Plastic surgery center by giving a detailed description of the layout.
Key support: Good start by talking about the location and size of the center. Moves on smoothly to explain, in more detail, what the center looks like. For instance, “…travertine marble statue of David…flowerbeds…stained red brick…Corinthian style columbs…” Good way of leading into the next paragraph by bringing in the facial surgeons’ need to focus on certain things. One comment: “…which as you guessed add to this feeling of cleanliness” what if the reader did not guess that?
Rate: 10 out of 10… The first sentence is not ‘in your face’ and brings the reader into the story from the start. The overall progression of this paragraph flows from image to image. The last sentence uses the imagery as a way to express characteristics of the surgeons.
2. How It All Began
ReplyDeletePrimera Plastic surgery has always been a part of my life, as it’s my fathers business, but previous to this I never had a complete understanding of its functions and goals. As a result, an interview with the doctor was crucial in understanding and describing how this community came to be. Primera Plastic Surgery center broke ground in 2003. Dr. Gross was currently practicing in another smaller office in Altamonte Springs and knew he needed a much a larger facility. Primera Plastic Surgery Center was going to be just this. The plan was to construct a 13,000 sq. ft. facility that had all the accommodations necessary to run successful surgery center. This includes a full sized and fully functional operating room, four exam rooms, two laser rooms, a kitchen, a waiting room, and two bathrooms. Construction began in mid September of 2003 and was finished almost exactly one year later. Dr. Gross worked for four moths before construction began to design the office. He worked with architects to get the exact atmosphere appropriate for a facial surgery center. And thus in October of 2004 Primera Plastic Surgery Center opened its doors. This was the climax of Dr. Gross and his medical career. He now is the head of the two surgery centers that he has opened as well as a spa and weight loss clinic. Before the transition from his office in Altamonte Springs Dr. Gross employed four people, in his new facility alone he employs fourteen people.
Topic & Purpose: Briefly explains how the center started up because of the plan that Dr. Gross went through with.
Key Support: Brings in Dr. Gross’s thought process of how he needed a new place. A bit more detail of this may give the reader more of an understanding. Good grasp on the building process from beginning to end. “The plan…13,000 sq. ft.…worked with architects…” All of this leads nicely into the opening of the place, and Dr. Gross’s new work situation.
Rate: 9 out of 10… Making it personal gives the reader more understanding of your connection to the place.
3. The main focus of all this research is to lead one to understanding how medical practices get their start and how communication in a medical facility occurs.
Topic & Purpose: Gives the reader a hint about what will be written next in order to shed more light unto the situation.
Key Support: This tells the reader that the point of the paper is to express the process of medical practice and how communication unfolds in the workplace.
Rate: 1 out of 10… It’s a good sentence.
Main Theme: Start up and communication within the medical field.
Questions: How did Dr. Gross know that he needed a new building? What kinds of patients come to the center? What do they think of it?
David Lipszyc
ENC 1101 OMo6
PEER REVIEW FOR Chris Arizmendi:
ReplyDelete1.
The purpose of this paragraph is to give general information about Amici’s and also give a few details about the goals of Amici’s and its employees. Different Directions: states that there is a different type of language used a Amici’s, but does not give any details of the type of directions. Also, talks about the economical struggles at Amici’s, but no details are given. Key points that support the paragraph: “But even with the issue of only being in a single location, this community greatly impacts its neighborhood and other passing customer and friends, in the most satisfying way.” ” held fundraising events for the less fortunate and continue to show genuine kindness in the workplace and at home.” This detail does well to show how they have helped their community and neighborhood, but a few more details may be needed to expand on the first quote of yours I stated.
2.
Main points of the paragraph: 1. Your duties as a busboy at the restaurant. 2. How the manager decides who gets to become a part of the community as an employee. 3. How the location of the restaurant benefits it. 4. How the business was started. Supporting details for each main point: for the first main point the supporting detail you give is . “Besides the manual labor of cleaning tables, there are other things that I must do that determine if I could actually get the job from the start” maybe adding a few more details about your duties at work and your interaction with the other employees and the customers would be beneficial. For the second point, the quote from the owner of the store gives a lot of details of how people are picked to be a part of the community and what they must do in order to get hired. I think you give a good amount of details that show not only how people are hired, but talk about the type of people that work at Avici’s. For the third point which is the location is beneficial to the growth of the restaurant, you state “establishment is found in a simple, easy-to-find plaza that is surrounded by a few neighborhoods. The location allows Amici’s to base its restaurant off of family friendly place.” These two sentences provide good details. For the fourth main point, you give little details at the end of the paragraph about the redecorating and other preparation done in order to start the restaurant. Adding a few more details about this could be useful to your paper. Overall, this paragraph was had a lot of main points and different details and might be easier to understand if it was split into 2.
3.
Main point: How Amici’s became a successful business after the struggles they faced when they first opened. Supporting details: The restaurant did a lot of advertising and also did many things that gave back to the community. This paragraph is much more organized that your second and gives a lot more detail for the main point, and it also sticks to only one main point which is good.
4.
Main point: how the language used within the community helps the employees to work smoothly and quickly. Supporting details: talking about how the table numbers help seating a customer be easier. This is really the only detail given, is there any other language used at the restaurant? Or what else do the employees do to help the restaurant run smoothly and the food come out quickly?
5.
Main point: that there are goals and discourses in this community. Supporting details: stating the main goal of the restaurant is “to get a lot of people together in a dining setting that allows customers to become part of our family within this community.”
PEER REVIEW FOR Chris Arizmendi:
ReplyDeleteRanking system(best paragraph first) 3,2,4,1,5
Main point of the entire paper: after reading your paper multiple times, I found the main point of the paper to be how Amici’s continues to keep its friendly, family like environment even after going through hardships while still continuing to give back to the community.
Questions: 1. How might you organize your paper and paragraphs better to make it easier for the reader to understand your main point of the paper and of each essay? 2. You talk a lot about how the restaurant helps it community, but how has the restaurant has benefited you?(besides the obvious of a paycheck)
Gabriela Lozada, I have reviewed your posting!
ReplyDeleteThe Station Bar & Grill: An innovative spin on the typical college bar.
Paragraph 1: Framing
-Great introduction into how the community was established and what is its foremost goal for the future
Key support:
-Although a newly established community with a lack of ample history and background you made it work to your advantage in stating the purpose of your community
-You provide good details on how the community was formed and who has authority within the community you have chosen to delve into.
-Rating: 4/5
Paragraph 2: Framing (cont)
-States why The Station is “the place to be” and what makes it different from your average college bar while introducing an important aspect; customer service.
Key support:
-You state what sets your discourse community aside from similar communities and what the entire vision of the community is.
-I think you can expand on this paragraph by talking about the different positions in the community, and what exactly each member does.
-Rating: 3/5
Paragraph 3: Spare time? What’s that?
-Describe how challenging the environment is and the important responsibilities of the staff in such a fast paced, hectic community
Key support:
-This is a great paragraph in that you state how the community works together to achieve a common goal.
-You also state who is the “backbone” of the community, but what about the other positions/members within the environment?
-Rating: 4/5
Paragraph 4: Taco Tuesday or Tuesday Boozeday?
-Presents one of the busiest night which is Tuesday and just how the night usually turns out.
Key support:
-For one of the busiest night of the community, I thought there would be more going on in your community.
-Great description of what taco Tuesday is but what about “communication” on such a busy night?
-Rating: 2/5
Paragraph 5: Is Happy Hour Happy for Everyone?
-Similar to the previous paragraph, this paragraph describes the busiest night of the week; “Happy Hour” and what the staff does during this night.
Key support:
-How does the staff in your community work together to handle the busiest night of the week? (unruly individuals, drunk people, etc.)
-You spoke of how difficult these nights are and exaggerated how hectic it was for servers/bartenders which I found interesting. Great paragraph ending.
-Rating: 3/5
Paragraph 6: Rehab Mondays?
-Introduces what Mondays are like within the community and how the staff is dedicated
Key support:
- Apart from the spontaneous events that occur every day, there isn’t much to go on here.
-I didn’t understand how Monday nights are the least busiest of nights yet you mentioned how one of your staff members were “out of breath”. I understand you want to show how dedicated the members of your community are but these are conflicting ideas. Try to elaborate more on this paragraph.
-Rating: 2/5
Paragraph 7: Nobody’s a success over night
-Elaborates on how the community is a different experience every day and that your community is on the correct path in expanding.
Key support:
- I think your conclusion is moderately good. I think you should implement other aspects in your closing paragraph that you discussed throughout your paper.
-Rating: 3/5
Main Point:
-The main theme within your ethnography paper I believe is how the Station community operates, the many different nights/events that happens on a daily basis and how hard the staff works to allow the Station to stand out against other college bars.
After reading your ethnography paper several times, here are some questions that could help you expand on your paper:
-What kind of literacy is involved in your community?
-What about multi literacies?
-Are there conflicts within your discourse community? I think there is due to such a hectic environment; maybe you can introduce this aspect in your paper.
-Specialized language? How do you communicate with other staff in your community?
Dylan Adams ENC 1101-oMo3
ReplyDeleteReview of Aasim Bhimani's draft.
Paragraph 1: Introduces his discourse community, which is the Ismaili Youth of Orlando Basketball team.
Key Support: Began with a good quote about basketball by a legend, which gave the paper a nice start. You also explained a bit about your basketball background and introduced the community.
Grade (1-5, 5 being highest): 4
You made a good start to your paper, it was straight and to the point. It could have had a bit more starting details about your community though, I think it would give the audience more knowledge from the start.
Paragraph 2: Explains that he has had previous interactions playing against the team as a coach, also talks about his opinion of the team, from past experiences.
Key Support: Gives details about what they usually do on the court, from what you have seen. Also, knows that they are a good team, with good basketball knowledge.
Grade: 4
This was good second paragraph. It was meant to show that this was your first deep interactions with them and gave your opinion of them. This paragraph possibly could have been included in the introduction though and condensed down.
Paragraph 3: Gave his experience of first seeing the practice and meeting the coach, Karim, for the first time.
Key Support: Included a personal story about meeting the team captain in an argument, which I thought added an interesting back story.
Grade: 3
While this paragraph had the good backstory, I believe it could be moved somewhere else and the rest of it be thrown out because it does not really lend any purpose to the paper.
Paragraph 4: Went into detail about what goes on at the team’s practices.
Key Support: Gave personal insight as to how the team went about stretching and then what they did for regular warm up drills. Also included a quote that explained the reason they count together, which shows that they have good chemistry.
Grade: 4
This paragraph had a bunch of details and keeps the paper going in the right direction. The only thing that could have been made better is giving more descriptions of the drills because they audience might not be familiar with them.
Aasim Bhimani's review continued.
ReplyDeleteParagraph 5: Went into detail about what the coach’s philosophy on free throws is and adds that he would most likely do the same.
Key Support: The team going into extensive free throw practice shows that they have a lot of attention to fundamentals. Also shows a personal experience again with you and that team.
Grade: 3
This bit leaves a bit to be desired, I feel that a lot of this can be condensed down into other parts, with some being thrown out. I feel this could have easily been put into another paragraph.
Paragraph 6: Went into detail about what happens when the coach splits the team and scrimmages.
Key Support: Gives details about how the coach manages both sides of the team during the scrimmage to get them into game form.
Grade: 3
This could have been put somewhere else and condensed. One good thing was you added a bit about the communication of the community though.
Paragraph 7: The scrimmage ends and the coach reviews the practice, after which the players leave. Karim, the coach, and Aasim are let to talk.
Key Support: You added a very short interview in this paragraph which should probably be longer, did you ask him more questions and just left it out? Gave good insight to the coach’s passive coaching though.
Grade: 2
The beginning of this paragraph probably could have been included in the previous one so that more emphasis would be on the interview. The interview should have been more in depth, instead of just one question.
Paragraph 8: This paragraph was about what happened at the start of the second practice he attended.
Key Support: Just jumped into it, kind of explained what happened at the first practice again. Added a new drill but I don’t believe that was a good fit for this paragraph.
Grade: 2
This paragraph started off with the same descriptions then just added another one with some detail attached. This could have been merged with other paragraphs. Also, try to put more detail, not everyone reading your paper will be familiar with basketball.
Paragraph 9: This paragraph just explained how the scrimmage went down during the second practice.
Key Support: Should have more details about what was going on during the game. Instead of just saying I was calling plays include some of them with descriptions.
Grade: 2
This paragraph along with other should have been more detailed and thrown someplace else. This was not a good conclusion to the paper because you made no reflections and kind of just ended it with no warning.
Main Point: I can easily tell that the main point of this paper was to show how the Ismaili Youth basketball team ran their practices but overall the paper left a lot to be desired. Most of the paragraphs could have been condensed and just added to other paragraphs instead of making each new drill one paragraph. More about the communication and just the overall attitude of the community should be included as well.
Questions: How has the coach created the atmosphere surrounding the team’s practices?
How does the team feel about the practices? What is their attitude towards their coach?
Skylar Summers I will review your paper
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletePeyton Schlosser
ReplyDeleteENC 1101-0M03
Peer Review for Kaitlyn Huber
Grading scale 1-6 (1= poor paragraph 6= strong paragraph)
Paragraph 1: This paragraph introduces the community, along with a few members and author's personal relationship with this community.
Grade: 4 - You did a good job introducing the community and explaining what/who it involves. I think you should include your hometown and your high school because the audience has no idea where this is taking place. (Explain South County)
Paragraph 2: This paragraph entails the observations recorded, introduces/explains a few key words exclusively used for this community, and also incorporates Wardle's essay.
Grade: 5 - Excellent job explaining key words that outsiders of this community might not understand. Although you said you interviewed a member of this community, you would benefit more by using a quote or two in this paragraph to make it stronger.
Paragraph 3: This paragraph details the common goals of the community and of individuals of the community.
Grade: 2 - I feel like you can expand on this paragraph. Adding quotes will help strengthen this paragraph. It lacks detail about the goals of the community. You said that you "think about the actual goals of the community" but you never actually state them. It seems like you're inferring instead of stating what they are. Use supporting details from your interview.
Paragraph 4: This paragraph includes quotes from an interview which help explain some goals of the community
Grade: 6 - I feel this is your best paragraph. You do a great job stating what the goals are and who has them. Great supporting details with the use of your quotes from members of the community
Paragraph 5: This paragraph is about the two main leaders of this community, the swim coaches.
Grade: 3 - Good job describing the coaches, their strengths, and personality. I feel like this paragraph would be stronger if you added a quote from one or both coaches and expanded on their ideas.
Paragraph 6: I don't really know if this is a paragraph, but it's mainly questions that should be asked in some sort of interview
Grade: 1 - These are good questions, but I do not feel like they should be included in your actual essay. I know that I'm peer reviewing your rough draft so hopefully in your final draft you incorporated some answers to these questions! (:
Main point: I feel like the main point to your essay is to show the kind of behind the scenes to a high school swim team. I feel like since you were a member of this community, you wanted to show people the kinds of things you faced and the goals you might have had in common with the community. I think it was a good idea to write this like a narrative because it is kind of personal and it makes your point easier to get across.
Questions: Did you have anything in common with the members you interviewed when you were an active member in this community?
How do the coaches help the swimmers reach their goals?
Ashlynn Allums
ReplyDeleteENC 1101-0M06
Peer Review for Brittany Callarman
Paragraph 1
Synopsis: This gives the reader a little knowledge of cheerleading at a competitive level, and that it should be viewed as a real sport.
Support: I like the second sentence about how people think cheerleading is just “jumping around on the sidelines…yelling go team go!” The whole paragraph gives great support as to what cheerleaders go through and how they aren’t just “dump pom pom drama queens.” Adding the statistic into the paragraph, gave the reader a good understanding as to how many people participate in cheerleading.
Ranking: (1-5) (1=lowest, 5=highest)
(4). This paragraph was a good introduction to your paper. The initial question of whether or not cheerleading is a sport, gave the reader something to think about right off the bat. And then gave good details to how people see cheerleaders and how hard it is to break the stereo type. I would add a little bit more detail to the end. The paragraph kind of ends as your just talking about the different levels and teams in the gym.
Question: Was there a specific gym or team you have researched?
Paragraph 2
Synopsis: Gives good detail as to how cheerleaders communicate.
Support: I like how you gave the reader an example of a flip called a “punch front round- off whip whip double.” Your right a lot of people would not know what that means. Then giving good support as to what the different skill levels mean. I would try to make it more understandable for someone who has no idea what you’re talking about.
Ranking: (1-5) (1=lowest, 5=highest)
(3)- I think that you could have added more about the communication in cheerleading. Like most sports, communication is everything, especially at competitive levels.
Questions about whole paper: Was there anyone you interviewed? What are the struggles cheerleaders face ?
Taylor Beam
ReplyDeleteENC 1101-0M06
Madison King I peer reviewed your paper for you.
1. The National Organization for Women, acronym NOW, began in 1966 when a group of women were angered by work discrimination in the work place. The organization grew increasingly as time went on and their topics of what to work on traveled from work place to equal rights in other places in life and abortions.
-The support in this paragraph was great. Lots of details that you made interesting.
2. NOW has grown to over 500,000 members across the United States.
-Great support in this paragraph it ties in well with the first one.
3. The meeting room was set up as a typical meeting room. The meeting began with ice-breakers asking what pronoun each person referred to go by to prevent any misinterpretations with trans-genders or gays. The organization did not consist of just women. NOW is involved in "Take Back the Night", which is an annual event at UCF to raise awareness for rape victims.
-Great opening for the first meeting and setting the scene. I really liked the part about the ice breakers.
4. Feminism is the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men. Something NOW was involved in was trying to get women's prisons as much reading material as men's prisons were provided.
-Well supported evidence about what the organization is involved in.
5. The energy is the room was growing with each topic that was being discussed.
-Great ending to the first meeting about the high energy.
6. People spoke at "Take Back the Night" about how It's never a women's fault for being raped.
-Great details about what happened at the event. I Loved the quotes from the speech given.
7. At the end of the night everyone joined in a march around the reflection pond and it was very inspiring.
-Nice ending of the event with all of the energy and enthusiasm.
8. The organization make up the word "feminazi" because people's first assumption of the group is a bunch of women ranting about how they don't have rights.
-Great job in using words that they made up. Really shows how much you dug up in their community.
9. She interviewed Erica Hanley, the future VP of NOW. Erica described a feminist as "someone who's fighting for equality".
-I really liked that you chose to interview someone who was somewhat new to the organization, yet still very involved and enthusiastic.
10. The members communicate through Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, group text messages, emails and handouts. Erica was the secretary and her duty was to record everything that happened during the meeting.
- Could have talked more about what was communicated electronically.
11. Madison had a hard time understanding the discourse at first and Erica let her know that she wasn't the only one that had that problem at first.
-You made it really personally when you expressed that you had some difficulty in the discourse at first and I liked that.
12. Madison plans on becoming a member of this organization the following semester.
-I'm really glad you decided to join the organization. By adding this piece of information it makes your paper more personal.
Central Claim: National Organization of Women is not just for women. It's for anyone who is willing to fight for equality across the board.
Question One: Do you feel that your overall theme is shown throughout the entire writing piece?
Question two: Do you feel that there is any repetition throughout your writing that might be unnecessary?
Daniel Keegan
ReplyDeleteENC 1101-0M04
Peer Review for Connor Waugh
Paragraph 1.This paragraph helped set the scene of who the INTERNATIONAL. SCUBAnauts were, and how the environment seemed at first glance.
-Support/Details-This paragraph was good. It really helped me understand what kind of position you were in, and helped me get interested in what you were doing. When you put “Illuminated from the projector screen are the words “THE TARPON SPRINGS CHAPTER: SCUBANAUTS INTERNATIONAL. SCUBAnauts mission” it really helped me get a visual of what you first saw, and what was going through your head at that moment. The only suggestion I would have is to expand what drove you to this specific group?
GRADE SCALE 1-5 (1=LOWEST, 5-HIGHEST)-
(4.) This was a an awesome introduction to your essay. I thought you really helped set the scene, and get the reader interested. I also thought you got across what you were doing, and how you were doing it very well.
Paragraph 2. This paragraph did an excellent job of dating the history of the SCUBAnauts International organization.
-Support/Details- This paragraph was very good. It explained in detail how the organization was founded, and how it evolved through the years. I thought the paragraph was very detailed, and the history of the organization really helped me get a better understanding of what the group’s mission really.
(5.) There’s really nothing more I could ask for in a paragraph. I thought you were very detailed, and I liked the way you dated everything and did it in an orderly fashion. I also like the way you help the reader get invested in the organization.
Paragraph 3. This paragraph addressed how sometimes people don’t fit in the group well because it is such a specific organization
-Support/Details- This paragraph was alright. It explained how sometimes it’s hard for people to just jump right into the group, and that certain people don’t always fit into what the SCUBAnauts are. I like the way you explained how the SCUBAnauts jargon is very different than regular language, so sometimes you have to make it so everybody understands what’s going on. I also liked the way how you talked with Mr. Cassick to further explain your claim.
(3.) This paragraph was good, but I feel like you could have put a lot more into it. I would have liked to see example of the jargon you used. I also would have liked to see an example of someone who didn’t seem to fit or want to fit in the organization. Besides that I think this paragraph did a great job addressing how some people just don’t fit in.
Paragraph 4. This paragraph told how the group was organized, and stated what category each member was in.
-Support/Details- This paragraph was short, sweet, and to the point. First of all I liked the way you put organized chaos at the top; that grasped my attention. I also liked the way the group seemed organized, and well planned out.
(4.) This paragraph was good, and got the point it intended to make across. You very detailed about who fell into which ranking, and you did a great job explaining how each member acting with another member of a different ranking. The only suggestion I would have is to explain in more detail how other members acted around each other.
Paragraph 5. This paragraph was the conclusion, and tied together everything that was stated in the first 4 paragraph’s
-Support/Details- This paragraph was good, and was a great way to end the paper. I liked the way how you seemed to describe the organization as stable, and on the come up. I also liked the way how you described it’s not only diving and snorkeling that keeps you guys going, but also your impact on the scientific community.
(continued)
ReplyDelete(3.5) This paragraph was good, and it made great points. I thought you could have been more detailed about what specific type of impact you were trying to make within the scientific community, but you still were very thorough. I liked the way you tied everything together, and the left the reader satisfied with the essay. Overall awesome job
MAIN THEME- There were many arguments, and points made throughout this essay, so its hard to just find a main point. But if I had to choose I would say the main point is that the the SCUBAnauts International is an upcoming organization that is fill with promise, and is going to make a great impact on both the scientific and diving community. I believe you make this claim very well, and did a great job of driving home the point of how amazing this group is.
1. Is there anymore people you interviewed? If so what were there thoughts on the organization, and in what direction does he or she think they should go.
2. What first attracted you to this organization?
3. When was the first time you went scuba diving, and when did you realize you had a passion for it?
Calyn Beese
ReplyDeleteENC 1101-0M03
This my review for Laura Mendoza
Paragraph 1: This paragraph serves to provide background on the community and give an introduction. This paragraph was a great way to start off the paper because it provides the reader with information to know what the rest of the paper will be about. It doesn’t give all of the background away, but it captures the reader’s attention and aids them to read on. I would give this paragraph a 5 out of 5 for importance because it establishes the paper in a good way from the start. To make the paragraph a little bit more formal, I would consider changing the numbers to spell out words: example 30 to thirty.
Paragraph 2: This paragraph serves to explain how you became involved with this community. Providing this information is good because it shows the reader this is something you enjoy and are passionate about. Again, this paragraph is serving to provide some background information to the community. I would say this paragraph is a 4/5 for importance because it is good to know why you decided to observe this community.
Paragraph 3: This paragraph describes the first observation of the community. By explaining what you see and hear the reader gets a very good sense of what is going on. This paragraph is 5/5 important because it shows the details of the classroom and the kids and adults that are involved in this community. I would consider making this paragraph into two separate paragraphs when you start talking about the interview because the two parts aren’t exactly related.
Paragraph 4: This paragraph gives the interview information. I like how you gave information on Ms. Christine and then quoted from her. This paragraph gives nice information on her and how she got started. I think this paragraph is 5/5 important because it shows how she got started and what influenced her to begin this career. This can relate to you and help you think about how and why you are interested in this community.
Paragraph 5: This paragraph explains the teachers interactions with the students. You explain how she handles the sharing situation with the children. This leads into how she communicates with the children. Sometimes the kids do not know how to explain what they mean and you should this through the example with Santash. This paragraph is 5/5 important because it shows the language barriers faced in the community and how people interact.
Paragraph 6: This paragraph explains how Ms. Christine separates her two communities. The two communities are completely different age-wise and she tells us that sometimes they get mixed up. Maybe to better explain you could ask her for an example of when this happened. This paragraph is 4/5 important because it shows how this community impacts her outside life.
Paragraph 7: This paragraph shows how communication happens in the community. When interacting with children, visual communication is needed. I like the examples she gives to show how she interacts with the children. This paragraph is 5/5 important because it shows how the adults and children interact.
Continued..
ReplyDeleteParagraph 8: This paragraph explains communication between the adults. You show that you observed communication through paper as well as in person. Maybe you could provide a conversation for an example. Also, identify if there are any language barriers between the parents and teachers. This paragraph is 5/5 important.
Paragraph 9: This paragraph explains how the community that was observed can be connected to your major. It is a good connection to make because it shows how this paper and all the research you did can benefit you outside of this class. I think this paragraph is 5/5 important for this reason.
Paragraph 10: This paragraph explains how the diversity of the classroom is embraced. This goes to further explain how the community is related to your major. The observation of the wall art shows how the teacher work to make the classroom an enjoyable environment for the children. It is a good point that you added how the children are taught to accept differences at an early age. This paragraph is 5/5 important because it shows the diversity in the community and how it is dealt with.
Paragraph 11: This paragraph serves as a conclusion to the paper. It explains what you learned and how it impacted your life. This is 5/5 important because it closes up the paper and shows how you enjoyed your research.
I found the main idea of the paper to be about diversity. Since this helps to compliment your major I think it was a good direction to go with your paper. You did a good job explaining how the diversity is overcome and how it is embraced.
Questions:
1. Do you have any examples of the kids interacting and having language barrier problems?
2. Did you have any problems getting into the community?
Calyn Beese
ENC 1101-0M03
Review of Skylar Summers draft
ReplyDeleteParagraph 1: This introduction paragraph explains that Skylar studied the Knights Baseball team for his Ethnography paper.
Support/Details: The introduction paragraph sets up his paper and gives the reader some background information about the discourse community’s main goal. He also states that this ethnography paper showed him that there is more to the Knight’s baseball team then just winning or losing the games. However, you have not set up a goal that you hope to achieve in studying this discourse community.
Ranking 1(low) -5(high): (3) The introduction could use a little work because at first it just seems as if it is missing the first two sentences. It does not read as if you started from the beginning, but afterwards you bring everything together and have a jumping point to continue with.
Paragraph 2: The second paragraph sets the scene for a typical fan going to watch a game.
Support/Details: This paragraph did a good job describing the scene of a typical baseball game at the stadium. There’s a lot of detail on the patriotism involved in baseball and connecting it to a strong love for this country. I also like how he put in specifics about being in the Knight’s stadium because at first it seemed like it could be for any baseball game around the country.
Ranking 1(low)- 5(high): (4) Great description and detail in this paragraph continuing a story line on a typical fan or patron attending a Knight’s baseball game.
Paragraph 3: This paragraph talks about the team’s involvement in the community.
Support/Details: I like the transition in this paragraph from talking about the team on the field to their involvement off the field in the community. At the end of the paragraph you repeat yourself three times in the last two sentences “Away from practice the team works together with weight training. Players have to work out together and that usually takes place after the baseball aspect of practice, after that they hit the gym and workout together.”
Ranking 1(low)- 5(high): (2) The first half of the paragraph is fine but then you repeat yourself three times in two sentences which messes with the flow of the paper especially since that is supposed to transfer into a new paragraph. It could use maybe one or two more sentences at the end to properly lead into your interview.
Paragraph 4: This paragraph starts the interview part of the paper. He interviewed one of the players to get some behind the scenes information of what its like to be on the team.
Support/Details: Great description and detail about your interviewee especially because you picked someone who did not originally start on the team. I would have liked to seen more detail about how things are different for him since he is a walk on.
Ranking 1(low)- 5(high): (3) The only problem I have with this paragraph is that its lacing some type of transition into your interview. It just starts out rather than leading into it. Maybe talking about him and giving details about the interviewee would be a better way of leading in.
Continued
ReplyDeleteParagraph 5: This paragraph sets up some rules a player typically has to follow and whether fans are noticed and involved in the game for the players.
Support/Details: Again you have a slight tendency to repeat yourself “While at the games I always wondered if the fans ever came into play….. I questioned whether the fans came into play while on the field.” The flow of the paragraph and in turn the over all paper would sound better if one of those were deleted. You also break up listing their rules by making separate sentences but then starting them all with “They must…” as well as starting a sentence with the word and which is usually discouraged.
Ranking 1(low)- 5(high): (1) Unfortunately I had to give this paragraph a one simply because grammatically it was not structured well at all. From the repeat sentences to the repetitive sentences listing their duties, the paragraph should be redone. The information was fine though and detail was explained.
Paragraph 6: This paragraph relates aspects of the team to points talked about in class and in the weekly readings.
Support/Details: When talking about the terms it just seems like you were making a list again. Instead of having a few short broken up sentences for each term combining the terms in one sentence and then going into what they mean in a few other sentences would have been more effective and flowed better. I do like how you stressed that having jargon and its own lexis is a very important part of discourse communities because I can relate to that in my own community of ZBT and Greek life in general.
Ranking 1(low)- 5(high): (5) The five comes with some conditions though. Its not a five-type paragraph in the beginning with regards to sentences structure BUT, it is worthy of the five because you demonstrate an understanding of lexis and genre and their vital importance within discourse communities.
Paragraph 7: This is the conclusion paragraph wrapping things up for his paper.
Support/Details: Not a really a strong conclusion. Its very elementary to state that you’re concluding in the first sentence of your conclusion, so I would recommend starting differently. I would also change the wording of “diagnose” to maybe “dissecting” because with this ethnography project you were hyper examining a community and “diagnose” just doesn’t seem like the word you were trying to convey. Lastly, I would have liked to see in your conclusion more of an actual wrap up of what you have learned from this rather than a list of what you have done because they essay itself is the list of what you have done.
Ranking 1(low)- 5(high): (3) This was not a very strong conclusion and rather explained in a few sentences what the essay was about, which is unnecessary because the reader has already read those points that you made earlier in the essay.
Main Point: The main point of this piece is to get some insight on the inner workings of the UCF Baseball team. Overall, it was not a bad paper but it could use some improvements here and there. You tend to repeat your self sometimes when you get caught up in presenting a new idea, so I just suggest giving the paper a good read through to correct those as well as a few spelling and grammar mistakes. As far as content, the paper did a sufficient job at looking into the baseball team. My only argument would be that you could have gone a little deeper into detail about how the players interact with each other on and off the field for example you could have done this in the interview part when you had the chance to pick at a player’s brain.
Questions:
1. Do the players have jargon between the different positions and cliques as well as separate jargon from the coaches?
2. Did this paper give you a different perspective of the baseball community as a whole?
Madison King
ReplyDeleteENC 1101-OMO4
PARAGRAPH 1
Summary: This paragraph introduces the theme park of Disney World and gives some basic history on when the park opened up and what it consisted of.
Key Support: I liked how you incorporated some history of Disney World since that is where the restaurant is located, but maybe add some more of the Kona Café’s history in the introduction since that is what you are doing the project on.
Rate: 6 out of 10….. it would be perfectly fine to mention some history and details about Disney, but make the intro more about the Polynesian Hotel and Kona Café.
PARAGRAPH 2
Summary: This paragraph shares how the park is beneficial to the economy and job market, and pin points one restaurant called the Kona Café.
Key Support: The facts you added about how Disney is a huge contributor to the economy is really interesting, but I would suggest not devoting an entire paragraph to it. Combine these two paragraphs and narrowing them down to a few sentences might be better and let the rest of the intro be about the background of your place of observation.
Rate: 7 out of 10….. great info, but add it into an intro. I like how it did eventually lead up to how people need to eat.
PARAGRAPH 3
Summary: This paragraph goes into details about one of Disney’s famous resorts called the Polynesian Resort, and how it has a Hawaiian type theme.
Key Support: The background of the Hawaiian theming is perfect because it gives the reader an idea of what kind of atmosphere the Kona Café will be. I would say add some more history to it if there is any.
Rate: 8 out of 10… the way you describe the resort gives the reader a good mental image of what to expect if they ever visited there.
PARAGRAPH 4
Summary: This paragraph explains how it is one of the two restaurants at the Polynesian Resort, and what kind of cuisine is served there.
Key Support: I liked how you described the food served at the restaurant and even included some of their specialties. I might suggest switching this paragraph with the next one so it doesn’t mess up the flow of when you’re describing the café’s history.
Rate: 7 out of 10… if you switch around the paragraphs I think it will flow better. Maybe adding some more detail about what the restaurant has to offer will help too.
PARAGRAPH 5
Summary: This paragraph explains where the name “Kona” Café came from and what it includes on the Hawaiian Islands.
Key Support: My favorite part about this paragraph is how you mentioned at the end about the coffee that is served there from Hawaii. Are there other special cuisines from Hawaii served at the Kona Café?? Good detail on where the name “Kona” came from.
Rate: 9 out of 10… great detail when going into the background information of the name. Possibly put in sooner in the essay??
PARAGRAPH 6
Summary: This paragraph explains how the Polynesian Resort was where John Lennon of The Beatles officially signed the papers to break up the band.
Key Support: The fun facts you add to this paper really make it stand out! I love it! The John Lennon and Walt Disney facts make your paper that more interesting to read. I will suggest combining the two paragraphs.
Rate: 9 out of 10…. Just combine with then paragraph after
PARAGRAPH 7
Summary: This paragraph explains where Walt Disney came up with the idea to come up with a Polynesian themed hotel.
Key Support: Same thing goes for this paragraph, very interesting! Just combine with the paragraph before so it’s not broken up so much when reading it.
Rate: 9 out of 10… the fun facts really add spark to your essay!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletePARAGRAPH 8
ReplyDeleteSummary: This paragraph shares what it was like to first walk into and experience Disney’s Polynesian Resort.
Key Support: The last sentence, “I was starting to feel great,” needs to be rewritten and kicked up a notch. Maybe use some more advanced vocabulary and go into greater detail on what you were feeling. Great descriptions on entering the resort, though, made me feel peaceful just reading it.
Rate: 6 out of 10…. Good descriptions but it needs more like maybe adding the next paragraph. The paragraphs are a bit small.
PARAGRAPH 9
Summary: This paragraph shares what it was like to first walk into and experience the Kona Café.
Key Support: When reading this paragraph I was dying to know what other kinds of foods you could smell! If you can remember them add a few in the essay. The details do make it appear like a very friendly atmosphere and have me wanting to go there.
Rate: 9 out of 10…. The detail and descriptions give the reader a good idea about what you were seeing through your eyes.
PARAGRAPH 10
Summary: This paragraph is when the GSM is introduced and why the costumes and greeting phrases are so important.
Key Support: I notice you mentioned that Mathew shared some facts about the restaurant, but you only mentioned one. Maybe adding some more might be beneficial to the essay, and even what you thought of him as a first impression. I do like how you noticed the casualness off the work uniform.
Rate: 8 of 10…. Good descriptions, but mention more about his introduction of the restaurant.
PARAGRAPH 11
Summary: This paragraph describes the basic environment of the managers meeting and what the atmosphere is like.
Key Support: A suggestion to make the paper more interesting is maybe add one of those jokes the managers were talking about when opening up the meeting. Add more detail like descriptions of the other managers and what kind of food they passed out at the meeting.
Rate: 7 out of 10… you have good detail, but it needs more!
PARAGRAPH 12
Summary: This paragraph mentions some ways of communication the managers use, and a couple issues that needed to be taken care of.
Key Support: You mentioned how the managers communicated with each other, but how do they communicate with their employees? Do they use the same techniques or different ones? Maybe add more information on what types of communication are used in the entire restaurant.
Rate: 6 out of 10… more details of communication needs to be added to this paragraph or at least somewhere else in the essay.
PARAGRAPH 13
Summary: This paragraph discussed them closing of the GSM meeting, and mentions how the upcoming week was expected to be very busy.
Key Support: I like how you included what they discussed in the meeting, but one thing that I was wondering was why this particular week was going to be so busy. If they shared the reason it would be good to add it into this paragraph.
Rate: 8 out of 10… explain more of the issues like people hiding in there office or the upcoming busy work week.
PARAGRAPH 14
Summary: This paragraph explains what was done after the GSM meeting, and that she got time to sit down and take a quick break.
Key Support: Honestly, this paragraph does nothing for your essay. There is no real purpose for it, and it would be better if it was removed.
Rate: 2 out of 10… there’s no point for this paragraph, it decreases the greatness of your essay
This is a solid review, but whose work did you review?
DeleteTrevor Gross
ReplyDeleteENC 1101 – Omo6
Review of Jacoby Glenn’s Ethnography
Paragraph 1: While this is clearly a rough draft and still needs a lot of work, so far you’ve done a decent job and I believe you’re on the right track. A key aspect of the ethnography project is to explain why you choose to investigate the community you are investigating. You have done so. (“The reason I choose to study the UCF football team because I am a member of this discourse community.”)
This does, I guess, in some respect fill the requirement but, in order to give any readers a further understanding of your work I would explain why your interested in investigating the forms and functions of communication in the UCF football community.
Upon developing this point I think you could easily write a whole paragraph and then smoothly transition into your next main point. (“The purpose of this paper is to observe this group in order to find out what the goals and characteristics of the discourse community are.”) I see your paper so far as a bunch of topic sentences for your main body paragraphs. Your next sentence could lead to your next paragraph. (“My first observation at this discourse community took place at practice in the indoor facility on campus.”) At this point in your paper I would describe the actual facility itself. How does it look and feel? What are some things you notice that clearly distinguish this athletic community from others? Be creative. Use things that could tie into the over communication aspect. Something like white boards posted in the locker room or near the fields.
You have done a sufficient job in using text to support your argument but, If you wish to add to the overall quality of your paper, as I’m sure you do perhaps diving into more details on the specific lexis used in this community would suffice. Another possibility is to address how the lexis in this community compares to others like it. i.e. the NFL or college football. Are the terms used the same? How are they different? I liked how your addressed how the power shifted from the position coaches to the strength and conditioning coaches. This is an important point to include as the leader of a discourse community is crucial in defining it.
PARAGRAPH 15
ReplyDeleteSummary: This paragraph explains how she is starting to learn the language of Disney and the Polynesian Resort.
Key support: I understand this is introducing the next section of Polynesian language, but it might be a good idea to add some examples into this paragraph.
Rate: 7 out of 10… examples are needed
PARAGRAPH 16
Summary: This paragraph goes into detail on some Polynesian phrases used at the restaurant and what they mean.
Key Support: If you combined the paragraph about with this one that would make it a lot smoother. That way you could have one paragraph devoted to the entire resort language and another paragraph devoted towards language only used by the employees.
Rate: 7 out of 10… organization could be better
PARAGRAPH 17
Summary: This paragraph describes some specific diction that is used specifically for the employees at the restaurant.
Key Support: The examples used here are excellent! Something that I wondered though was what CDS stands for. It’s important to clarify all of the diction because more readers won’t have a clue what anything means. CDS was really the only one that wasn’t fully explained.
Rate: 8 out of 10… explain the language more to the reader, especially acronyms
PARAGRAPH 18
Summary: This paragraph describes her second experience when entering the Kona Café.
Key Support: This introduction to the interview was very affective. It gave off a pleasant vibe, and was simple and to the point.
10 out of 10…. Very simple, yet descriptive
PARAGRAPH 19
Summary: This paragraph is a short exchange of polite words asking to meet with Mathew for the interview.
Key Support: This paragraph needs to be added to the intro because I feel that not enough is going on for it to be a stand-alone paragraph. It needs to have more purpose. All it does is tell me the people are polite there.
4 out of 10…. Adding this to the previous paragraph will help
PARAGRAPH 20
Summary: This paragraph describes the wait for Mathew before the interview.
Key Support: The end of this paragraph is very good. I like how you share your interpretation of your observations of Mathew. As for the beginning of this paragraph it’s kind of boring because all it describes you doing is sitting and waiting.
Rate 5 out of 10… the beginning could be omitted
PARAGRAPH 21
Summary: This paragraph describes Mathew’s appearance, and how friendly his personality is.
Key Support: The description of Mathew is a great addition to the interview because it gives the reader a visual of who exactly you are interviewing.
Rate: 10 out of 10… great descriptions!
PARAGRAPH 22
Summary: This paragraph is when Mathew explains what it takes to be a GSM and some important advice given to him to become a successful Disney employee.
Key Support: Some great questions were asked in the interview. However, I feel you should have asked more about communication in the work place since that is the main prompt for this essay.
Rate: 8 out of 10… maybe combine the two essay paragraphs
PARAGRAPH 23
Summary: This paragraph concludes the interview by asking the question if Mathew thinks it is important for his employees to like him.
Key Support: My favorite question you asked was if he thought his employees liked working for him. It’s one normally people wouldn’t think of asking, but I found it rather interesting.
Rate: 10 out of 10… nice twist on the last essay question!
PARAGRAPH 24
Summary: This paragraph concludes the essay by stating how much work is involved at the Kona Café and what it takes to make a customer happy.
Key Support: This conclusion in a way was kind of emotional but I loved that. It’s an ending that will stick with the reader, which I find very important.
10 out of 10… concluded the essay perfectly!
Main Point
As for an overall main point, communication is the key to run a good business. One must be passionate about what they do and should be liked by all to become a good, successful leader.
Questions
Why did you choose this discourse community?
Is there something that stood out to you most that you gathered from these experiences?
Sara Heitzenroeder, this is your peer review!
DeleteConnor Waugh
ReplyDeleteENC 1101 0M04
Review of Peyton Schlosser’s first draft
Paragraph 1.) This paragraph is introducing the Public Relations Club at UCF and explaining a bit of the history of the club.
Support/details- This paragraph was a bit hard to follow. My first couple of read throughs I was lost due to the fact that there’s never a direct statement saying what the PR club stands for, it would be best to call it the Public Relations club in the first place and say that it’s also known as the “PR Club” of UCF. The whole paragraph is a bit hard to follow. Could definitely use some rewording and clarifying.
Grade (1 being lowest, 7 being highest)- 1 To be honest, I really didn’t think this was a very strong opening. It could use a bit of a tweak, just make it more clear as to what you’re writing about and try and add something to really catch the reader’s attention.
Paragraph 2.) This paragraph is discussing the author’s ties with the group and her reasoning for studying the club, being that she wants to work in public relations in the future.
Support/details- This paragraph was pretty well written. It helped to expand on why you wanted to join the group and the parts of the public relations club that you want to utilize while being a member.
Grade (1-lowest to 7-highest)- 5 This paragraph was worded much more effectively than the opening and really helped clear up what exactly it was the author is talking about. It could help to add more background information about the PR club and the FPRA in either this or the opening paragraph.
Paragraph 3.) This paragraph was a narrative of the author’s first meeting for the PR club. The author goes into detail about the leaders of the club and their actions during the meeting.
Support/details- I liked this paragraph. I liked that the author changed to a narrative format when describing her experience at the meeting. It could have had more information on how the other members interact with eachother, but it does address the communication of the group and its specialized dialogue when the basic information was given at the meeting.
Grade (1-lowest, 7-highest)- 4 This paragraph was pretty average. It was interesting to get the first look at how the group works and the meetings generally go, but I really would have liked to see information about how the regular members act together.
(Paragraph 4.) This paragraph discusses the author’s experience volunteering for the PR club at an event at the Orange County convention center.
Support/Details- It was interesting getting insight on more than just the meetings that are held by the PR club. The fact that the author states that the event was a learning experience when it came to being outgoing for the job that she wants was also a good addition to this paragraph.
Grade (1-lowest, 7-highest)- 7 Out of the whole paper, this paragraph caught my attention the most. I really liked the fact that the reader was given insight on more than just the meetings. It was really well narrated as well.
(continued...)
ReplyDeleteParagraph 5.) This paragraph is about the author’s opportunity to go to an internship fair, but ultimately deciding that she should wait another year to be better prepared for the fair.
Support/details- The author talks about how, at the next meeting she attends, she is invited to an internship fair where employers would come to the college in search of interns. She goes into detail about what is required of her for the fair and ultimately decides that she should wait until she has better prepared for the opportunity and doing her own research into it.
Grade (1-lowest, 7-highest)-6 I really did like this paragraph as well. It was kind of a twist to be told all about the opportunity presented to the author through the internship fair, and then have her decide to wait til the next year’s fair. I thought it was very smart of her and made the paragraph interesting.
Paragraph 6.) This paragraph talks about the activity of unscrambling a news paper article about a business getting into trouble and the PR department having to fix said problem through social media sites.
Support/details- In the paragraph, the author talks about how she was surprised to learn how dealing with a crisis on the company’s behalf is a responsibility of the PR department.
Grade (1-lowest, 7-highest)- 3 overall the paragraph didn’t really seem to mesh well with the previous paragraphs. I understand that it was chronologically ordered, but it seemed somewhat out of place. It was written well, though.
Paragraph 7.) In this paragraph, the author talks about how she is planning, with the help of the future president of the club, her next year of club membership and what’s “In store” for her.
Support/Details- The author discusses how the future president of the PR club is planning on helping her by giving her advice on how to improve within their field. The author talks about the internships she will pursue and what she will do in the Fall.
Grade (1-lowest, 7-highest)-2 I really do think this paragraph should be split into two paragraphs. I feel like it adds too much information that isn’t really elaborated on for a closing paragraph. If the author were to add that information, than it should not be in the very last paragraph and should give more detail. I also wonder what exactly “Quotes” is, it would be best to explain what it is in the essay. I did really like the last sentence, though.
Main Point: The main point of this piece is that the author is very interested in working in the field of public relations, however she still has a lot to learn about the field. However, she readily welcomes the opportunity to learn more about it and is actively trying to find opportunities in the field.
Two Questions:
1. How do the members of the PR club at UCF interact with eachother?
2. What has been the biggest difficulty you’ve experienced through the club and how has it helped you learn more about the PR field?
Thank you so much! You're critique is really helpful!
DeleteNick Perez, I will be reviewing your work.
ReplyDeleteKhondaker Rahman
ReplyDeleteENC 1101-0M06
Review of Brandon VanLandingham's Essay on UCF Biology Research Lab
Paragraph Ranking Scale 1-Very Poor, 2-Poor, 3-Average, 4-Good, 5-Excellent.
Paragraph 1-This paragraph tells us as the title explains, the objective of the researcher regarding his discourse community.
Support/Details-This paragraph is a simple deceleration of what this essay is about. So this paragraph is informative but lacks details to be a strong introductory paragraph.
Rating
2) This paragraph could have been more interesting and strong had it more details. But it ends up more of a stale opening or a one small deceleration of objective in a resume. This could have been a 3 if it had a more expanded opening.
Paragraph 2-Explains the brief history of the research lab discourse community.
Support/Details-This paragraph does its job of telling us what occurs in the history of the lab. But it does not properly begin the history by telling us exactly when or who of the history. It could use some more explanations on how the lab started or significant events that occurred in the past other than what the lead researcher does every summer.
Rating
3) Although this paragraph does say what occurs in the club in a past tense form, it still does not tell us a formal history. If it gave us a when and who regarding the start of the community, that this would be a 4 or 5 depending on detail.
(Brandon VanLandingham's Review Cont.)
ReplyDeleteParagraph 3-This paragraph details the forms of communication the lab researchers use to pass information and help outsiders to understand what they do there.
Support/Detail-For support and detail, this paragraph does well in explaining the different forms of communication that the researchers use to pass information. Also, it details how communication occurs in more fluidly among researchers as the author noted how they have happiness in their voices when they communicate.
Rating
4) This paragraph is very well thought out and detailed about what it is trying to tell us. It explains the main theme of communication among lab researchers in the lab and how they communicate. It could use some revising to clear out the repetitions and grammar errors, which if edited would make this a 5 rank paragraph.
Paragraph 4-This paragraph details some of the various locations that research takes place, even though main location is in the UCF Biology building.
Support/Detail-This paragraph details the different locations of the researches taking place. It tells use different parts of UCF related to Biological study and what the researches do there.
Rating
4) This paragraph also has good details; it gives us information on where the locations of the Biology research could occur and currently occurs. The paragraph could use more details on the last sentence by expanding on the various locations of conferences and kinds of projects that could occur and how the communications is affected there.
Paragraph 5-This paragraph concludes the overall essay about the communication in this community.
Support/Details-This paragraph reiterates what the overall essay has been about. Although it does not lack details, it sill needs more explanations of where some of the findings affected the community and explain in more detail as to why the author did not find any conflict in the community.
Rating
3) This paragraph does conclude the story but could explain what the overall theme of the essay was. Although we learn that a happy mood allows the researchers to be more supportive and avoid conflict, there must be some forms of communication related conflict that occurs at some parts that the author could expand on. But other than that, a stronger conclusion could make this a 4 rank paper, and 5 rank if the details on the conflict could be expanded on.
Main Theme
This essays main theme I believe is communication in the UCF Biology research lab. Although the author give us some details on the theme, the essay still lacks some more important details on what the history of the lab is. And the intro could us more details support the objective of mentioned in the first paragraph.
Questions:
1. Have you considered expanding on the introduction and history of the community?
2. Did you interview someone in the community to find out more about it?
Chibundo Egwuatu
ReplyDeleteENC 1101-0M06
1.) This is good background, content wise, but the flow is a bit awkward. It ends a bit abruptly and there are some grammar/spelling errors (but for a first draft totally acceptable). This is probably the least interesting paragraph, as it and the next seem like they both do not have to exist (maybe a bit more of a general introduction?)
2.) This is a better paragraph than the first, the information flows better; I think you hit your stride. The sentences are still a bit choppy (more commas and periods, I think). I like the anecdotes and examples though.
3.) I see a trend of the paragraphs getting better, which is great. The resourcefulness of using another source to write the ethnography is a good touch. Here we get to see the actual personal experience of the ethnography rather than objective facts. This is where the ethnography gets to brass tax.
4.) There is nothing wrong with this paragraph per say, but I think the interview part would be best told in a present tense way rather than a summary. The information is all here, but for better reading, a story is more interesting.
5.) Again, the theme of better paragraphs, which is definitely a plus. Here the summary rather than story approach is fine. Some people may not be a fan of the colloquialisms (big man, slang), but I think an ethnography, being personal, is apt. I think this paragraph to be the best, as rather than a change I only saw room for an improvement.
6.) I think showing rather than telling would help a lot here. Rather than referring to Omar as a good person, show it. Maybe a specific anecdote or some more familiarity. This is a good opportunity to make a good story here and to take up a bit more space.
7.) The last sentence could be a bit more hard hitting, but overall an apt conclusion. Though adding any new information or assertions in the conclusions is generally a no-no, so I urge caution.
Q1.)Are there any particularly polarizing or funny stories you can tell that happened while researching?
Q2.)Did you have any experiences with the residents or only the RAs?
Overall, the ethnography checks every box on the list, but it could be an easier read. Think of something you’d like to read and maybe write it a bit more to those stipulations. Syntax wise, break up the sentences more, and watch for grammar/spelling errors. Show, not tell; rather than summarizing a happening in a sentence or two, write out the interaction. Also, in writing out the interaction it becomes up to the reader to make their own conclusions for what or who the character is (instead of describing someone as nice or apathetic, show an example; if done well, it engages the reader as well as allows them to come to the conclusion on their own).
Allison Serafine
ReplyDeleteENC 1101-0M06
KEVIN T. BHIM -Ethnography Peer Review
I DID NOT INCLUDE THE INTRODUCTORY PARAGRAPH SO PARAGRAPH #1 IS UNDER THE BRIEF HISTORY OF THE TURNPIKE!!
Synopsis of Each Paragraph:
1. This paragraph deals with the history of the Florida turnpike and tolls, saying that Charles Costar created the highway back in 1957, later merging with I-75 and other major highways.
2. This paragraph considers the broad spectrum of employees that apply and are hired as toll collectors and how rather simple the hiring process is.
3. This paragraph is predominately concerning the training process of new hires and even some upper level trained positions.
4. This paragraph explains briefly the daily start and task duties of a toll collector, for his personal experience.
5. This paragraph describes this individual’s daily routine and responsibilities as a toll collector and how he interacts with the drivers passing through.
6. This paragraph further deals with how he interacts with the passing drivers, such as offering them a witty joke to make their day.
7. This paragraph examines his relationships and interactions with his managers and superiors, basically his authority figures.
8. This paragraph tells of how he ends his days, especially regarding the task and responsibilities of switching or closing a lane.
9. This paragraph narrates his findings after interviewing the manager of the Leesburg Toll Plaza, Scott Novy and his career background.
10. This is his conclusion paragraph, summarizing and recapping all his main points.
Note Key for Each Paragraph:
1. By including the man’s name, Costar, it gave great credibility to your evident research that was done on the turnpike.
2. From the start you let the reader know that you are a toll collector, giving you credibility and an inside source toward the intercommunity communication.
3.
Ranking of Paragraphs: I will assign a number 1-10 to each paragraph, 1 being the least effective at conveying a message at all and 10 being an extremely well organized and expressed relevant point.
1. 8. Maybe just add a little bit more about the actual community members and how their relationships have evolved.
2. 7. Make this a little more than an introductory paragraph, add substance.
3. 9. Great job adding personal experience.
4. 9. Really gives reader an insight to interworking of the toll plaza duties.
5. 9. Go more in depth as how the drivers reciprocate to you.
6. 9. Same as number 5.
7. 8. Is this the only time you communicate with them? Go further in detail.
8. 8. Interact with anyone??
9. 9. Great insight. Just include his question responses more.
10. 8. Conclusion, just summarize more.
Main Point:
The overall main point and theme is the given tasks and duties of a toll collector, a day in the life of sorts. The central claim is somewhat vague if not missing… what is present is the fact that there is a lot more put in to toll collecting than the average 5 second interaction from the driver allows one to see or even notice.
2 Questions:
1. Are there any other ways that you communicate with other toll collectors?
2. Are there any written forms of literacy that occur in this community?
JESSA ULLOM I reviewed your post!
ReplyDeleteTaylor Brown Enc 1101-0m04
1.Synopsis: This is just a brief sentence on what a discourse community is.
Support/Details: I wouldn’t necessarily consider it to be a paragraph on its own and I believe that it would do more for the paper if you combined it with the second paragraph.
Paragraph Ranking: (1 lowest- 7 highest)
1. This is definitely the least effective of your paragraphs. If combined with another paragraph it supplies vital information on the topic.
2.Synopsis: This is an introduction of the discourse community in which she wrote about. She describes her feelings of why she decided to choose this community.
Support/Details: I think that you need to work on capturing the audience’s attention. This is the paragraph in which to do so. Maybe start in the middle of a scene? Use more details to expand the narrative.
Paragraph Ranking (1 lowest- 7 highest)
2.This is too brief of an introduction. This is typical and generic, try going out of the box for an unconventional introduction. This though essential to the paper, is not very effective.
3.Synopsis: This paragraph describes Jacque Dunegan. She describes the first encounter with Dunegan as her professor.
Support/Details: You do a great job at setting the scene of your professor and I enjoyed that. However, you focused more on her as a professor and not enough on Dunegan in reference to WellTrax. Use specific jobs she has or things that she enjoys? Differences as a teacher/trainer?
Paragraph Ranking: (1 lowest- 7 highest)
4.This paragraph is essential for personifying the discourse community. This example gives a face to the community. It kind of gives insight to the type of person that Dunegan is without her actually being present. Maybe add a few more questions and have them in this paragraph.
4.Synopsis: This paragraph goes in many directions. It mentions a bit of the history as well as explains what WellTrax does.
Support/Details: You do a good job at explaining the office tasks. However I think that if you elaborate on this jobs/tasks that the office accomplishes it will make the paper even better. Use specific examples of which “untraditional” exercises are used there. How does the office set up life goals?
Paragraph Ranking: (1 lowest- 7 highest)
7. This is the best paragraph in this paper. It gives a great explanation of the WellTrax office. However, elaborating and getting more specific will make this paragraph even better!
CONTINUED..
ReplyDelete5.Synopsis: This paragraph describes the look and feel of the office.
Support/Details I like the way that you describe the office in a way that is easy to follow. However, I think that you need to describe in greater detail. I have a general idea of what the office looks like but I need more specific. What type of exercise machines are there? What type of floor?
Paragraph Ranking: (1 lowest-7 highest)
6.This has a substantial foundation. However you need to be more detailed when describing the visuals. Also maybe include other senses?
6.Synopsis: This paragraph is about the communication present in WellTrax
Support/Details: You do a good job at generalizing the communication in this office. However, get more specific. is there specific language used in the office? How are things abbreviated?
Paragraph Ranking: (1 lowest- 7 highest)
3. The office communication is one of the most important aspects of the office. This should be elaborated and analyzed. Don’t just say that they keep up with there clients but how and why? Why is a post card a “formal” form of communication?
7.Synopsis: This is the conclusion paragraph.
Support/Details: This summarizes what the paper is about. This paragraph is a little short. You need to elaborate on why Dunegan is an inspiration. Don’t only say what her job description is but why did she get into this? Why did she dedicate her life to wellness?
Paragraph Ranking: (1 lowest- 7 highest)
5. This does a great job at summarizing what this paper is about but it needs to do more than summarize. Try to relate it to present day or how this has changed your outlook ect.
Main point: The founder of WellTrax is an inspirational mentor to students in the field of health and wellness due to her accomplishments
Questions:
I wrote the questions in with the paragraph breakdown it made more sense to place them where they were relevant.
Adam Tran (I reviewed Kristen Keenan's Post)
ReplyDeleteENC 1101-0M041.
Purpose- This paragraph has background information and is the introduction into the essay
Support- You do well in giving general information. This is a great way to start your essay and begin to transition into what you will be talking about.
Ranking-6/7- This paragraph gives good background information but it’s as necessary as the others in my opinion.
2. Purpose- This paragraph goes deeper into detail about how the soccer club began
Support- You did well in explaining how the club was established and briefly state its general goal. Perhaps you could go into farther detail though. For example, maybe explain what ages are included in the “youth” group and how old players are in the “pro” group on average.
Ranking- 3/7- This introduction was well written and a great way to begin the essay. It gave good background information and was a great transition.
3. Purpose- This paragraph shows the different branches of the soccer club and the differences between them.
Support- You explained that there are two ways of being part of the soccer club and explained the differences between the two. In addition to the facts you mentioned about each, you could also include differences in the observations you made. For example, you could possibly comment on whether the two levels had a difference in lingo. You comment a lot on the concrete differences, such as price and level of difficulty, but you can comment more on observations or trends that you may have noticed.
Ranking- 7/7- This part was informative but didn’t contribute to the essay as much as the others. It would relate more to the essay if you explained the observations that you made and compare the differences between the different types of players.
4. Purpose- This paragraph introduces the specific team that you will be speaking about and gives some background information about them.
Support- You did well introducing the team and giving some minor details about them. You mentioned a couple of their accomplishments and what they’re about.
Ranking- 5/7 This paragraph was important because it provides background information about the team that you will be discussing. It was a well written transition.
(Continued)
ReplyDelete5. Purpose- This paragraph discusses various methods of communication between the team.
Support- You do well explaining the methods of communication, but you could explain further about the purpose of each one. You could also explain which methods work better and which don’t, talking about the value of each method.
Ranking- 4/7- This was important because it ties into our course and literacies. You comment on the different kids of communication that take place in this discourse community. However, you could possibly reflect and analyze those types of communication more.
6. Purpose- This paragraph explained your field study and everything you observed.
Support- This paragraph was extremely well written. You explained each of the places you observed and noted what you saw. You also reflected on what you saw, gave your opinion, provided an analysis of what you saw.
Ranking-1/7- This paragraph was long and well thought out. You did not leave out any detail and told the audience exactly what you observed. You were descriptive and made it easy for the audience to understand exactly what you were talking about.
7. Purpose- This paragraph is an interview with a player and how playing for the club has impacted her.
Support- You could give more details and information from your interview. You could link what she said back to previous paragraphs, summing it all up and turning it into a conclusion.
Ranking-2/7- This paragraph uses a player as a source and is a great way to provide information. However, I believe that you could speak more about what was discussed in your interview and possibly reflect more on it as well. You could give your own personal opinions or talk about what you thought regarding what your interviewee said.
Main Point- I believe that the main point is commitment. You emphasized how commitment and hard work has brought the team success and how it is essential in order to participate in this discourse community. Your comments on your interview, in the last paragraph, explained how your interviewee has worked hard and how it has made her into who she is today.
Questions:
1. Could you reflect more on what you observed and comment on that analysis?
2. What are the advantages and disadvantages of being in this discourse community?
Mike Boyd
ReplyDeleteENC 1101-0M06
26 April 2013
Reviewing:
Nick Perez Professor Longhoney ENC 1101 14 April 2013
The Significance of Discourse Communities to Situational Understanding
Paragraph 1:
Discourse communities are something unique that we all belong to, dictating everything from the way we talk to the way we think subconsciously in varying day-to-day situations. Though many people probably think of themselves as one specific and inimitable person, the truth of the matter is that who we are at any particular moment depends on what we’re doing at different times, in different places, and most importantly, amongst different community groupings. Discourse communities may change the way we think and act from time to time, but it is because of the personality dissimilarities they cause that we are capable of being successful in both the social and professional aspects of our lives.
Paragraph 2:
My primary experience with a discourse community comes from my time as a seasonal employee at UPS, where I loaded trucks in the morning and performed ride-along services in the afternoon. The communication that took place in my workplace environment was completely different from any type of communication I’d experienced in my daily settings. For starters, I had to learn to listen with my eyes and ears at the same time, scanning the conveyor belt for the appropriately marked parcels to match the trucks that I was loading while keeping my senses peeled for someone alerting me if I needed to run to the end of the conveyor belt to retrieve a package that I’d let slide. The high-paced work environment and pre-sunrise hours made the employees understandably groggy, which made coffee essential in the process of keeping us alert in an assembly where communication was crucial. For example, because the members of the conveyor line had to focus heavily on their own workload while still functioning in a team atmosphere, one-word sentences became the acceptable and expected lingo when notifying the line of a slipping package. Whenever someone would notice a package that had slipped past a preceding employee on the line, “NUMBER 11!” or “NUMBER 6!” would be the call, indicating that a package meant for truck numbered 11 or 6 had been missed.
Paragraph 3:
Besides learning to communicate monosyllabically on-the-go, other communication techniques that were unique to the UPS discourse community were employee coaching and response to authority. On some mornings, mass shipments would have to be loaded into eighteen-wheelers at the head of the loading dock, usually requiring two employees (one to unload the conveyor belt and one to load the truck) and a manager to coach the activity. This coaching required a certain calmness that was never present in other work-related activities, as I was told that it was important to keep the workers tranquil, yet focused as if playing a game of Tetris. On the opposite end of the spectrum was the usual manager-worker relationship, which is not exactly what you think of when you imagine your average professional relationship. UPS offered a high-stress environment during their morning shifts, frequently resulting in heated exchanges between loaders and authority figures which, though they may not have been professionally ideal, were necessary to keep loaders on edge and were very effective in reducing the daily number of “misloads.”
communities, belonging to so much more than the ones that we choose later in life.
ReplyDeleteParagraph 5:
Just like our jobs and duties, our families provide a sense of discourse community that we must mold our demeanor to. A lot of people can describe “unspoken bonds” between family members, suggesting that thoughts and ideas can be relayed telekinetically by certain looks or body movements that have been built to have meaning over a lifetime. The sense of discourse community within a family also accounts for the degree of acceptable conversation topic, ranging from one’s performance in school to current events, but carefully excluding taboo subjects like sex, drugs, and alcohol for the most part. The communication methods between a family residing in a household are a prominent example of the widespread impact of discourse communities, demonstrating that no matter where we go and no matter who we know, we are always acting as part of a discourse community.
Paragraph 6:
Another way to imply the role of discourse communities is to examine the differences in interactions between close or long-time friends and acquaintances. While you can obviously deduct that certain topics that may be regular discussion between you and your brotherly friends are found awkward or untouchable when discoursed with someone whom you don’t know as well. However, the influence of a discourse community goes even deeper than this, touching the human subconscious in ways that are difficult to notice, including reduced eye contact, appropriation of bodily closeness, and mere greetings and salutations. This shows that the human psychosis creates its own sort of discourse community in order to regulate comfort in social situations, ultimately controlling degrees of friendship and a portion of our brain’s impulse center. This theory is well-described by the authors of the article Gendered Discourse about Family Business, stating that “differences in perception are related to differences in action, so understanding talk is an important part of understanding family business sustainability. Professionals who attend to how business owners talk about both the family and business aspects of their enterprise will be more effective in their consultant roles” (Danes, Haberman, and McTavish 116). The preceding explanation can be validated by my years playing high school football, interacting with my coaches and teammates in a communal state. Like a discourse community in the workplace, a discourse community amongst your sporting friends eventually develops its own comfort level, resulting in all kinds of automatic indications that indicate where lines are drawn. One thing that makes a discourse community on a football team differentiate from any other is the educational basis that, in a way, directly teaches the theory of discourse community in the process of evoking team chemistry. Coaches always emphasized how effective communication, in more or less those exact terms, led to success on the field, extending from audibles at the line-of-scrimmage to providing emotional crutches and honest critiques for your teammates. On an individual level, the offense was able to teach the defense, through repetition, various blocks to be expected and what to read upon engaging in certain blocks during practice. The same was applicable when the glove was on the other hand, giving the offense practice in dissecting varying defensive schemes until the hours of counterintuitive preparation ultimately paid off come Friday night. I like how the world of football as a discourse community relates to these words by Ernest W. Burgess, from his article simply titled Communication, “co-ordinates were often in kinds of communication once considered hostile to each other, as railroads and buses and newspaper and radio, altered so that the relationship was mutually advantageous…In reviewing the trends of the last year, it can be said that emphasis will assuredly grow on this tendency to combine and integrate the different facilities of transportation and communication” (991).
Paragraph 7:
ReplyDeleteNow that we’ve examined the expansive uses of discourse community interaction, we should explore how they are used, generally, in the workplace to manifest maximum productivity from both low-level and management-level employees. Effective communication leads directly to affectivity throughout everyday group tasks. While UPS is merely a personal example, the fiery attitude with which we traded thoughts was precisely what allowed us to keep up with the ridiculous workload that accompanies the holiday season. In other instances, the method and demeanor of communication within the working community may change, but the common goal will always be to maximize output and motivate employees.
Paragraph 8:
In conclusion, discourse communities can be applied universally to everyday life, varying drastically from environment-to-environment and from individual-to-individual. While one workplace may rely on strong and direct verbal cues to convey messages with fluctuating degrees of importance, others may count solely on private instruction and other sorts of interpersonal conversations to set expectations of situational proficiency. However, discourse communities impact much more than our careers, appropriating the adequacy of our personal and family relationships as well. Different discourse communities walk hand-in-hand with varying levels of personal comfort in diverse environments, perhaps making you a talkative and boisterous person in your party setting and quiet and studious in the classroom. Whatever the case, discourse communities are here to stay, and for good cause as they undoubtedly make interactions smart and beneficial for all parties involved.
Paragraph 1:
ReplyDeleteSynopsis: How we act is based off of what we are doing at the time. We adapt to our current community or state in order to fit into the discourse community
Key Support: “the truth of the matter is that who we are at any particular moment depends on what we’re doing at different times, in different places, and most importantly, amongst different community groupings.”
Ranking: 5/5
Main Point: The discourse communities we are involved in form us into being successful both socially and professionally. We must realize that we conform to what is going on around us and adapt to the situation at hand.
Paragraph 2:
Synopsis: UPS is the discourse community at hand, and he had to adapt to the fast paced job with lots of caffeine and always being on his toes.
Key Support: “The high-paced work environment and pre-sunrise hours made the employees understandably groggy, which made coffee essential in the process of keeping us alert in an assembly where communication was crucial.” “I had to learn to listen with my eyes and ears at the same time, scanning the conveyor belt for the appropriately marked parcels to match the trucks that I was loading while keeping my senses peeled for someone alerting me if I needed to run to the end of the conveyor belt to retrieve a package that I’d let slide.”
Ranking: 4/5
Main Point: This discourse community he’s involved in is something he has never experience before. The requirement of coffee, early morning work hours, and working so fast paced and having to be so attentive requires excellent communication.
Paragraph 3:
Synopsis: Working in this community is very stressful, and constant tension. The requirement of coaches to see over the employees to make sure no boxes are missed and that they are loaded correctly requires great communication. There is also a need for calmness and being collected as well.
Key Support: “mass shipments would have to be loaded into eighteen- wheelers at the head of the loading dock, usually requiring two employees (one to unload the conveyor belt and one to load the truck) and a manager to coach the activity.”
Ranking: 5/5
Main Point: Being calm and collected is required in this community as well as excellent communication to keep these apparent.
Paragraph 4:
Synopsis: We unconsciously act certain ways for all situations. As we grow we narrow our path and are involved in less communities.
Key Support: “We are born and bred into all sorts of discourse communities, belonging to so much more than the ones that we choose later in life.” “Think about how you think, act, and speak around your family, and then carefully compare those mindsets to their mirror images in other aspects of your life such as work, school, or recreation.”
Ranking: 5/5
Main Point: We adapt to the situation at hand, and we should get more involved with more discourse communities rather than less as we grow older.
Paragraph 5:
ReplyDeleteSynopsis: Using family as an example, each family accepts different topics of conversation, and some have closer bonds than others. Whether being able to read each other’s body language or a simple sound is made for them to understand what you are meaning or feeling as if they can read your mind.
Key Support: “A lot of people can describe “unspoken bonds” between family members, suggesting that thoughts and ideas can be relayed telekinetically by certain looks or body movements that have been built to have meaning over a lifetime.”
Ranking: 5/5
Main Point: We adapt to our discourse community and we “fit in” to certain ones better than others. All based off of how we adapt and how well we communicate within the community
Paragraph 6:
Synopsis: The community and the communication goes far beyond just a simple gesture and vocal response. There is a subconscious level of communication that a person adapts to within the community and only time and experience can expand how the individual fits into it.
Key Support: This shows that the human psychosis creates its own sort of discourse community in order to regulate comfort in social situations, ultimately controlling degrees of friendship and a portion of our brain’s impulse center. This theory is well-described by the authors of the article Gendered Discourse about Family Business, stating that “differences in perception are related to differences in action, so understanding talk is an important part of understanding family business sustainability.
Ranking: 5/5
Main Point: A football team is a great example on how communication is key. Society adapts to the changes in communication.
Paragraph 7:
Synopsis: Effective communication leads to better output and a better discourse community
Key Support: “In other instances, the method and demeanor of communication within the working community may change, but the common goal will always be to maximize output and motivate employees.”
Ranking: 4/5
Main Point: No matter what the communication is for, there is always a reason.
Paragraph 8:
Synopsis: Each community is a different kind of communication as seen in the
Key Support: “Different discourse communities walk hand-in-hand with varying levels of personal comfort in diverse environments, perhaps making you a talkative and boisterous person in your party setting and quiet and studious in the classroom. Whatever the case, discourse communities are here to stay, and for good cause as they undoubtedly make interactions smart and beneficial for all parties involved.”
Ranking: 4/5
Main Point: Discourse communities are what life is about.
Questions:
How else can you involve your UPS community into the paper?
Do you think that UPS could communicate better and have a better form of communication to get the job done?
PEER REVIEW FOR :
ReplyDeleteJustin Kennedy
ENC 1101 Mo3
REVIEW:
Vivienne Do
ENC 1101- 0M04
Paragraph 1: Justin defines what discourse community is. He highlights works from Swales, noting that a discourse community has 6 distinguish characteristics.
Notes: This is a good introduction, but does not fit well into the Ethnography’s overall theme. You should include some examples in relations to your discourse community to go with the characteristics in which you have listed; this is enable you to have a more solid argue presented. This is a good basic ‘’reference list’’ to have.
Rating:6/10
Paragraph 2: Goes into defining where he stands in terms of his selected discourse community. Compares how a student research view vs. a student view changes, you can be in the same community but the ‘’perspective’’ differ due to the ‘’goals’’ of the person’s duties.
Notes: Good job in comparing the two different positions and how they view the discourse community. This shows an understanding on how everyone in a discourse community does not have to have the same views, but share a general common goal** Also, goes into how a community has a lexis which he/she relates too. This is good because it fits the definition of Swale’s.
Rating: 7/10
Comments on over essay: It seems like you have not completed your paper. (It’s okay! I did not either..) Your paper shows good vocabulary as well as analysis so far. Even though it is not complete, if you follow your references of Swale’s and create arguments on how the discourse community is defined, this will serve as a good starting point. Also, you should consider writing about the history of the Tiger Sharks and how you came to be in the community as first a student and then into a research student. Go more into depth about your different views, and how it changed accordingly.
Questions to Consider:
1. Explain the different views that of a student vs. research student. What are the same thoughts, what are the differences? How does this argument justify Swale’s definition of discourse community?
2. Please write about the history of your community. Create an outline on the development of the community and how your specific community relates to other swimming communities. Where does it stand in terms of rank? What makes it the community you go to instead of others? Now, relate this to how the people in this community’s circle thoughts vs. others.
Matthew Simpson ENC 1101-0M04
ReplyDeleteReview of Ralph Mahalak’s paper
Grading is 1-10 scale, 10 being the best.
Paragraph 1:
This paragraph is about how and why he joined a fraternity and what he planned to do at this fraternity. While I know that this is a paragraph that is just really stating your intentions, it was kind of weak and needed support. Maybe to say what type of fraternity that Delta Sigma Phi is, or some ways that you tried to meet new people but were unsuccessful.
Paragraph rating: 4
The paragraph did state what you want to write about and why you chose the community that you did but it is very brief and it could have been developed better.
Paragraph 2:
This paragraph is about the history of Inter Fraternity Council, who is involved in the IFC and how the meetings are run in the IFC. This paragraph gives the reader a good idea of the size of this organization and what is involved with how the organization carries out its processes. You could add more detail to this paragraph by including which types of fraternities are involved in this organization.
Paragraph rating: 7
The use of statistics in this paragraph enhances the reader’s idea of how big the organization is and what it does.
Paragraph 3:
This paragraph is about what forms of communication that the IFC uses and what mediums the writer is surprised that the IFC doesn’t use effectively. This is a good paragraph in that it shows which mediums that the IFC chooses to use. It also poses an interesting point in the odd lack of use in social media. I would have liked to read about the types of products that the guest speakers usually speak about and how they could be useful to the IFC and its members.
Paragraph rating: 8
The use of text is another interesting point to ring up, as it seems informal for a very formal proceeding.
Paragraph 4:
This paragraph talks about the lexus used in the IFC and how certain procedures are done in a specific way. The sentence about acronyms could be developed much better, it almost doesn’t make sense. While the layout of the rules for the voting process was detailed, it seemed like it lacked some information that could be important to the process.
Paragraph rating: 6
While the process is an interesting point, it would be better to see more detail in that area of the voting process. Also maybe more involvement of specific lexus.
Paragraph 5:
This paragraph is about how IFC ends their meetings and what is involved in the conclusion of these meetings. This paragraph could be a lot more detailed based on what type of topics are discussed at the end of meetings. Examples are always good in this situation. Also more detail on the people that head OFSL would help the development of the paper.
Paragraph rating: 4
Just more detail overall in this paragraph would improve it.
Paragraph 6:
This paragraph is about the rapid pace and confusion that can be in the IFC for newcomers. This paragraph could be better with more examples, I see a lot of the same negatives from the last paragraph, lack of support to your main points.
Paragraph rating: 4
Main Point:
I feel as the the main point of this paper is that the IFC is an organization that one may not be able to pick up right away because of the lexus involved and how fast that this discourse community works.
Questions:
1. How does the quick pace of the process of the IFC affect the lexus used?
2. How does their form of communication help or hinder their society?
1st paragraph
ReplyDeleteExtremely well written with a strong, clear message. I personally
found there to be relatively no errors throughout the paragraph gramatically and
conceptually. Due to your excellent flow and smooth transitions, the piece was
extremely easy to read and had a solid tone. I would rate this paragraph a five out of
five due to its clarity and organization.
2nd paragraph
Extremely well thought out and I like how you were able to tie in your past
expiriences into the paper. Refernces like that also demonstrate a better
understanding of the material being applied. If I were to rate this paragraph from
scale of one through five it would be deemed a five due to the great flow throughout
sentences.
3rd paragraph
Excellent point to disscuss the subtle differences between the rhetoric being used
between peers as compared to the rhetoric used between an adult with a child. I like
how you use a point that can be easily understood, which shows your understanding
of the concept. I would give this piece of the essay a five out of five due to your great
connections between communication.
4th paragraph
Your use of the dialogue between a coach and a young athlete to display your
knowledge of the piece was great. Its an excellent comparison to the communication
of peers. Your great flow again gives this paragraph a five out of five rating.
5th paragraph
I like the concept of how body language is also a very significant way of
communication. Although body language is extremely subtle, it also is a very genuine
way to express feelings this therefore is very useful in an ethnography. I give this a
paragraph a four out of five because of its flow and oraganization.
6th paragraph-
Great transitions throughout the sentences, however it doesn’t fully wrap up the
paper to the degree of which was neccesary, because of this I would give the
paragraph a four out of five.
Review of colby maynard's paper^^^^
ReplyDeleteNick Perez; I will review yours;
ReplyDeleteColby Maynard
Enc 1101 - 0M04
Paragraph 1
This paragraph starts off rather broad and talks about discourse communities. To go more into detail, it talks about discourse communities changing the way you think and act from time to time. Key support would be his feelings towards discourse communities and his own thoughts towards subconsciously changing on a daily basis. I would rate this paragraph a 7/10. It is only the intro paragraph but definitely starts out strong.
Paragraph 2
This paragraph strongly talks about Nick’s discourse community of working at the UPS stand. You did a good job talking about the communication between you and your co-workers. Key support would be your example of being on the conveyor line such as yelling “Number 11!” I would rate this paragraph a 9/10 due to you proving the communication in your discourse community.
Paragraph 3
I really like how this paragraph talks about the flaws in discourse communities and specifically his. You did a great job referring to a college level class with the student raising his hand or the reference with the pick-up soccer. I would rate this paragraph a 6/10. While it may be informative, I feel like it could’ve been morphed with other paragraphs.
Paragraph 4
This paragraph is beautiful by starting out by talking about the “unspoken bonds” that you describe. Bringing family matters in the hands of a paper help relate you to the rhetor. Key support would be talking about the sensitive topics of sex, drugs, and alcohol. I would rate this one a 8/10.
Paragraph 5
Paragraph 5 was interesting as it had a lot to do with the conclusion with his discourse communities’ definition. You did a good job putting citations into your piece of work and I honestly had no major problems such as concept problems. You got the main point of the essay with very few grammar mistakes. This paragraph did a great job of summing up your whole paper in about 10 sentences. I will rate this one a 10/10.
Part I
ReplyDeleteENC 1101 OM-06 Brandon VanLandingham
Paragraph 1
Synopsis/Support: This paragraph talks about how technology interested him and that it lead him to the class lead him to now. He used information from the past to allow understanding.
Ranking: 7/10 Overall I think this was a good introduction but the wording you had for talking about your favorite teacher and class could have been improved.
Paragraph 2
Synopsis/Support: This paragraph talks about the person who started the class and where the instructor got his qualifications to teach.
Ranking: 5/10 Overall I think this paragraphs sentence structure doesn’t flow well but the content in it is good and easy to understand.
Paragraph 3
Synopsis/Support: This paragraph explains what they did in the class. To support it he told us about what the teacher did to enhance the classes learning and what they normal do in the class.
Ranking: 7/10 This gave good information on what the class does but was lacking good flow in the writing because of the transitions between the sentences is lacking.
Paragraph 4
Synopsis/Support: This talks about the introduction of the new teacher and his qualification to teach the class. Support to this is the information he gives on the experience the new teacher had and the difficulties he would have to overcome.
Ranking: 9/10 overall this was a well written paragraph the only problem I noticed was you need to change the word thought to taught .
Paragraph 5
Synopsis/Support: This paragraph talks about how the classrooms is and what the lab class does while there. Gives examples to show what they do.
Ranked: 7/10 The content of this was good but the information in the paragraph needs to be rewritten because there are a lot of grammatical errors and missing words in the paragraph.
Paragraph 6
Synopsis/Support: These 2 sentences are about what they were going to do in the class that day. Support is the example he gives to what they are doing.
Rank: 4/10 Nothing wrong with the writing but it isn’t a complete paragraph and it cuts off early. A complete paragraph has to have at least 3 sentences you only have 2.
Paragraph 7
Synopsis/Support: He talks about how the teacher keeps the students working and what the disadvantages are to being a dual enrollment student. Support he gets information from the students that are finished with work and also from the teacher he is with.
Rank: 7/10 This paragraph had good information but it needs to have all the grammatical errors fixed and some of the words you use in the paragraph are not the right words.
Paragraph 8
Synopsis/Support: He talks about the interview he had with his teacher and his past. The support was the teacher that gave him the information about himself so the writer could write about it.
Rank: 7/10 It had good information but again misusage of words and mistakes grammatically that were probably just things you didn’t notice.
Paragraph 9
Synopsis/Support: Talks about the relationship the teacher has with his students and how the students react to it. The support is the information the teacher provided in the interview.
Rank: 8/9 Still had grammatical flaws but this one had less than normal other than that it was well written.
Paragraph 10
Synopsis/Support: Talks about knowing the students in the afternoon time and what they are going to be doing. Support this was an observed thing so his support was his senses of observation.
Rank: 9/10 Still had grammatical flaws but had very few compared to the others. In this it had good info that would help you understand what he saw there.
Paragraph 11
Synopsis/Support: This paragraph talks about the method the teacher uses to teach/help the students and then it talks about a specific student that he found interesting.
Rank 9/10 Very few grammatical errors and did good job communicating information he was trying to get across.
Part2
ReplyDeleteParagraph 12
Synopsis/Support: Basically in this paragraph he observed them towards the end of the semester were they no longer had to be constantly working. This is supported by his observations he made that day and the notes he took.
Rank: 9/10 Few grammatical errors and it conveys everything he needs to tell you about the observations he made.
Paragraph 13
Synopsis/Support: This paragraph tells about how the professor feels about his relationships with his students. Support is that the teacher told him this and he observed it for himself while he was there.
Rank: 10/10 Didn’t notice any grammatical errors and it conveyed what it needed to well.
Paragraph 14
Synopsis/Support: This paragraph tells about all the things he talked about in this paper and concludes the paper very well. Support is the whole paper he wrote before this paragraph.
Rank: 10/10 Didn’t notice any grammatical errors and overall it was a well written paragraph.
Main Point is that he enjoyed his teachers teaching abilities along with his way of connecting to his students, also that because the teacher is able to connect with his students well they are able to introduce new people to the field of study that they are in.
Question 1: How can I find my grammar mistakes even though they won’t show up in word?
Question 2: How can I improve my introduction to allow the audience to know right off the bat that my paper is about a teacher and his expertise in teaching and connecting with the class.
(continued...)
ReplyDeleteThe main point of this paper was to explain the communication skills in some discourse communities. In my opinion, communication is key and especially in the united postal Service.
2 questions:
How much experience do you have with this company? and do you think experience is an important constituent to a discourse community?
Do you have any interviews of notes as if you were there to observe the way they work?
Emily Nakis
ReplyDeleteENC 1101 0M03
Review for Calyn Beese
Paragraph one- Gives a cited opinion of what a discourse community is. This helps a reader to identify what to look for.
Key Support-
-I like how you begin with a cited opinion, it really allows a reader to focus on what is going to be discussed.
Rate: 10/10
Paragraph two- Choose to study Rosen College apartments and office, and on that day there was the unexpected tornado warning. This paragraph gives a feel for the environment and atmosphere that is present. Describes how the community usually is, but also enables us to what they do and how they handle situations.
Key Support-
-There is plenty of physical descriptions about the apartments as a whole.
-You were able to describe how the tornado warning was handled, and what procedures the staff followed
Rate: 9/10
-You were able to summarize the situation an entire afternoon into one paragraph without having ongoing sentences, leading a reader to want to continue.
Paragraph three- Introduced the two standing out characteristics.
Key Support-
-Presents that you have studied multiple characteristics and have found the two that stood out.
-This allows us to now see the connection between Rosen College apartments and the cited definition of what makes up a discourse community.
Rate:5/10
-Although this introduces the two characteristics you are going to later emphasize on, this paragraph is very short, and limited.
-Maybe if there were examples provided that you were going to later elaborate on, this would help, but the overall amount of information here is very minute.
Paragraph four- Mentions Swales list. This paragraph is very repetitive of the third and they could be combined.
Key Support-
-States that you are referring to swales list. That is good that you have a reference site.
-Identifies Rosen College apartments as a discourse community
Rate: 5/10
-This paragraph seems like it would be more appropriate as the introduction for your evidence.
-Very repetitive to previous paragraph. Possibly blending the two would be beneficial to the overall paper.
Paragraph five- The goals have been made clear. Has the mission statement of the staff provided. Provides an interview and how an insider views the community.
ReplyDeleteKey Support-
-States that an interview had been conducted.
-When Damon, the man who was interviewed, was asked what the goals were he quoted the mission statement. To me this reinsures that this is what the staff and members her strive for.
-States that there is not a surplus of unrealistic goals but a set of common goals that can be achieved by all members of this community.
Rate: 10/10
-This paragraph gives examples of the actual goals made by the community, and shows that the staff takes them seriously and that they strive to achieve them to the best of their ability.
-I like the insight that is provided from a member of the community.
Paragraph six- Gives details about how the staff handled a potentially dangerous situation. This shows that they take their jobs seriously and that they have a shared set of goals which is made evident in this and the previous paragraph.
Key Support-
-Reinstates what occurred the day of the interview and how they were to go about it concerning the tornado.
-Provides real examples of how the staff handled a tornado alert in a safe and responsible way.
-Not only focuses on how they handles the tornado alert, but also gave examples of other things that the staff do in order to assist the residents.
-States that no matter what the issue may be, if it related to the living community, the staff will find a way to help you.
Rate: 10/10
-This paragraph provides a surplus of examples of how the staff at Rosen College apartments achieve their goals.
-This paragraph is nicely formed, and I like how more than one example is supplied
Paragraph seven- States that beyond goals, the staff are also here for the experience that comes by obtaining that job.
Key Support-
-Indicates that the experience may help in the future with jobs and careers.
Rate: 4/10
-I am not able to really identify how these few sentences correlate in this place of the paper; this short paragraph should be added to the previous paragraph that talks about all the different goals.
Paragraph eight- Defines what a genre is, and its use in a discourse community.
Key Support-
-Provides a definition and how genres are used in many discourse communities and the purpose of them.
-Helps the reader identify that genres are a use of communication
Rate: 3/10
-This paragraph is too short and does not provide any examples of how your discourse community does this.
-The next paragraph and this one, if blended, would be a great pair and introduction to your following one. They would really allow for a good feel of the type of genre you are trying to display and would help with the flow of your overall paper.
Paragraph nine- Discusses the duty schedule that is maintained by the staff here. More details are provided which is desired.
ReplyDeleteKey Support-
-Explains what they duty schedule is and how it works.
-Introduces other types of communication forms that are used by the members of this community.
Rate: 8/10
-I appreciate the detail and examples provided in this paragraph.
-If combined with the previous paragraph, this would be a great introduction to what Damon had to say about the techniques used for communication.
Paragraph ten- Elaborates on how email is used as the main form of communication between the members. Also talks about how email is used not only for the staff members of the community, but is also utilized when it is necessary to communicate with the residents and students.
Key Support-
-It is stated, during the interview, that email is the most commonly used form of communication. Whether it is among co-workers or staff members and residents, it has proved to be affective.
-Also shares that a calendar is used to help prevent any confusion.
Rate: 8/10
-I like how during the interview this type of information was discovered.
-I think that there should be an equal or somewhat equal type of elaboration done on all of the examples provided, this being said; I would have liked to see more being said about the calendars, and how everyone can benefit from them.
Paragraph eleven- Reinstates that there discourse community is Rosen College apartments, and that they strive to make it a comfortable stay for the students.
Key support-
-None of the examples are mentioned again, but that the study of many types of discourse communities is beneficial.
-By studying other communities, you are able to have a better understanding are more equipped to analyze that environment and situations that may be faced there.
Rate: 5/10
-This overall conclusion gave a good description of why learning about a discourse community is good, but lacks in providing a proper conclusion for the community you chose.
-Not enough information being brought up about Rosen College apartments and this overall paragraph seems almost more suitable to make up part of the introduction paragraph.
-Doesn’t not conclude your entire paper, and seems that it is a more appropriate conclusion as to why one should study discourse communities.
-Your conclusion should be your final collection of BAM statements and ideas that allow the reader to really gain an understanding of your community.
Main Idea/ Theme-
ReplyDeleteThroughout your piece I could see that you were striving to make the connections between every paragraph and your chosen discourse community. Although I saw the effort, but I would possibly consider trying to work on the flow of the paper as a whole. I can see that you are an effective writer, but I would have really enjoyed your paper had you provided more examples and elaborated on certain aspects of the paper. I see that you tried to carry out a main point throughout the paper as a whole, but there were some breaks that made the paper seem not as interesting as others. Overall, I enjoyed the community you chose and felt that I had learned something, but I had a difficult time following it. In addition, I would suggest working on blending paragraphs and elaborating some more on anything you could. This being said; I also suggest forming a conclusion that focuses more on your community rather than expressing how important it is to learn about communities.
Questions-
1 . Since you were at Rosen College apartments on an action filled day, do you think that you could benefit by going back on a different day and observing how it manages without the stress of a tornado warning?
2. What made you decide to chose Rosen College apartments for your discourse community?
3. Did you interview any other staff members there? If so, did they give feedback that was different from their co-worker?
4. Did you interview any residents that make up this community?
Peer Review for Rodrigo Ruiz
ReplyDelete1
Key Support: Good way of starting off on how Ecko was founded and built on I would like to see you maybe expand more on how the Hong Kong trip or even how Spike Lee might have helped attract the attention to the company. Also was his dad's favorite animal the Rhino maybe if that could be explained to give more backround information on the logo of Ecko itself.
Rating: 7 out of 10
2
Syn: Brief Overview of how and why Ecko runs their business for their customers. Introduce the atmosphere of the retail business of Ecko.
Key Support: I don't know if this overview is really needed about the increasing of number of sales but this is a good introduction for this type of paper.
Rating: 5 out of 10
3
Syn: To Show how Customer Service in Ecko is different from the other retail stores based on their feelings that they give their customers when they walk in.
Key Support: This is a strong paragraph with the feeling of making the reader know that when they go into an Ecko store they should expect this kind of environment and then basing it on a real life situation is a good comparison.
Rating: 9 out of 10
4
Syn:Shows how people promote the brand of Ecko and just by having the clothing on people will advertise and promote the style and wear of Ecko.
Key Support: Another good point with starting off with the customer service and pointing out that people will be more inclined to buy these products of they see an abundant amount of these logos with people wearing the clothes with the Ecko logo on it will make them more inclined to buy it.
Rating: 8 out of 10
5
Syn: This is about how the employees of Ecko play a kind of “mind game” with the customers to get them to buy more items or accessories to match with what they have in their cart at the present time.
Key Support: Again, great details about how the employees do these types of persuading so that the customers if they would like to they have the chance to buy more things to help with the selling of the Ecko Product.
Rating: 9 out of 10
Leadership
6
Syn: How management and leadership from a manager is important to that community and keeps the place running smoothly and in the right direction.
Key Support: Great start to the introduction to Leadership I think this should just be joined with the next paragraph to make it one because it goes hand in hand. If you can, expand on how Alex insures that everything goes to plan and that everyone is on the same page?
Rating: 7 out of 10
7
Syn: Topic is on the environment and how it is separated from the other retail working environments with the fun aspect and giving employees rewards based on their works.
Key Support: Great way of showing the leadership of Alex with showing a fun side of his authority and explaining the rewards he gives to his employees after they do good things for that period of time.
Rating: 8 out of 10
8
Syn: The communication aspect of the community and how they emphasize communication with the customers and with other employees to know what is going on around them.
Key Support: Great paragraph on the communication aspect I think that you should elaborate on how you guys communicate with people over the phone. Do you call them personally? Or do you send out a mass message voicemail?
Rating: 7 out of 10
9
Syn: Body gestures and how they can affect with the communication with the employees who work in the community.
Key Support: I think that this can either be omitted or added to the paragraph before because this is too short to be by itself but it is a good statement to add with the paragraph before.
Rating: 7 out of 10
Kevin Bhim
ReplyDeleteENC 1101-0m04
10
Syn: How being a knowledgeable employee is an important part of the customer service provided at Ecko to show that they truly know the product.
Key Support: Great Idea with Knowledge, I think you should give a real life example of this if possible it would further make your argument much stronger to the person who is reading this.
Rating: 8 out of 10
11
Syn: Touching upon Customer service and how the customer is the main people they have to satisfy and how they have different techniques to provide the quality customer service.
Key Support: Liked how you used the acronym BASICS and maybe you should use that as an example to further go into detail about the customer service.
Rating: 8 out of 10
12
Syn: How employees work hard and sacrifice their time for the good of the store even though people don't always notice about that.
Key Support: Great Paragraph and detailing about how people actually sacrifice themselves so that they can make the environment of the place better and using a good example.
Rating: 8 out of 10
13
Syn: There are hardships that come up at different times and with them it slows down the business for a short time or affects the customers who are shopping there at the time.
Key Support: I think this is a good paragraph, just that I think you should expand on some other hardships that could happen would make this statement not sound too brief.
Rating: 6 out of 10
14
Syn: Concluding how Ecko emphasizes on customer service with their employees, brand, and management to keep the brand name as a strong one.
Key Concept: Great Conclusion, liked how you presented what you showed in your paper in one sentence and then at the end showing the feel at home aspect would make a person think about going to the store(would for me)
Rating: 8 out of 10
The main point that was obvious in this paper is really customer service and Ecko is presented its brand with how people like their brand. There were examples used with the employees and how they do different things from other retail stores to make their company unique and special from the others.
From this reading I would like to know more about how would Ecko get their point across to people who have never heard of their brand or never shopped at their stores. The most effective part of this paper was when you expanded on the employees and their customer service but why would this type of service work at other places or is it more accustomed to the Ecko Company stores? Did you also ever get to interview a employee from Ecko and see if they do the exact same thing as you saw and did? Or if u can go to another Mall and see how different it can be between different stores or if it is the same at each?
Kaitlyn Huber
ReplyDeleteENC 1101 OMo6
Peer review for Chibundo Egwuatu:
Paragraph rating: (1-5) 1=poor, 5=excellent
Your title is a great way to organize the paper and really works for your topic.
(1) Establishes a good basis of what the paper is about
Rating: 4
(2) Gives solid background information about the topic
Rating: 5
(3) Shows in depth knowledge of a Krishna meeting
Rating: 4
(4) Explains own questioning thoughts of the new religion and different points of view
Rating: 5
(5) Talks about the journey of others into the Hare Krishna religion but lacks examples of your own journey
Rating: 3
(6) Genuinely describes a session of temple
Rating: 5 – this paragraph is great
(7) Ties the entire piece together effectively
Rating: 5
Main point:
The main point of the paper is to express a long suppressed interest in the Hare Krishna religion and finally experiencing it fully. Chibundo explains her journey while participating in temple and other various activities.
Questions:
Can you further explain why the Hare Krishna religion is seen as a cult to many?
Do you plan on continuing going to temple? Why or why not?
Alfredo Jaime Vega
ReplyDeleteENC 1101-0M04
Peer review for Tara Grey
Rating system 1-6 1 = poor 6 = excellent
Paragraph One: The main theme in this paragraph is a reflection on the CCM's history. The direction is very straight forward however it lacks a chronological feel, beginning with the formation of it 25 years ago, later jumping into 2003. Although your paragraph executes the purpose of a history re-telling very well, more could be done by giving a more deeper look into the history.
Rating: 4, more could have done but overall by including more history and perhaps following more chronologically but the details with the organizations history does enough for its purpose.
Paragraph Two: The theme for this segment is mainly the goals of the community and a description of the participants of this community. So far, what I've read is that this is a community welcoming to all types of people regardless if they follow the Catholic faith or not.
Rating: 6 You did well with executing this, providing short and sweet summarizations that describe the daily functions a person would witness within this community before segueing into a more descriptive brief. Well done.
Paragraph Three: Here is where I can see your notes taking color and motion. The synopsis behind this paragraph features more details behind the daily practices within this community. The chronological order really makes me feel like I'm walking into the building being welcomed by the group of students into the mass and meal. Descriptive details of their social practices, like mingling and physical gestures (greetings), how the people gather, also provided more details on how this community organizes within its daily functions, differences between a full union or something along a federation of small enclaves within the community.
Rating: 6, Well done. I also appreciate the inclusion of conflict (brought on by some communication issues, of course communication being an integral part of any group, the inclusion of communication is duly noted and appreciated) and how the community resolves it through, the resolution being "putt-putt." Gives me an idea on the character that represents the community.
Paragraph Four: The main point within this paragraph is the interview which clarifies any observations you did. It shows the strategies on becoming a member of this community, whether a person was being invited in by another group to feel more welcomed or they are attempting to introduce themselves.
Rating: 5, however as well it was done, perhaps involve what kind of conversations would be prominent, perhaps any lexicons that lead them to approaching the lone wolf or vice versa.
Paragraph Five: Here shows another observation of this groups customs and social practices however it also shows the progression of integration. People that stood idly, separated from the rest of the crowd are now integrated and mingling happily.
ReplyDeleteRating: 4, you did well with this however something that would give a better look into your observations would be the type of language found during this kind of mingling. Are there any topics that act as a magnet for the idly standing people?
Paragraph Six: Here you continue with your interview with Crisley. You give a good attempt at trying to collect info on what it's like to be in this community, such as favorite practices and what this place means to them. This case being "a safe place, place of worship, and place of relaxation."
Rating: 4, I see that there is also a slight mention of literacies by using the gospels as a form of literacy, however I would like to see if there is a preferences for certain gospels (perhaps ones involving the meaning of socializing), perhaps if there are other literacies outside the book to maybe fortify whatever study is going on.
Paragraph Seven: A summarization of the report.
Rating: 5, you did well with this however an addition of lexicons here would be great, one thing is observing a social group and their practices but lexicon is also a key element.
Rating: 6, you condense everything into a paragraph while maintaining all aspects of observation intact yet not having a sense of "watering down." Well done.
Question #1: Is the CCM building the only place where these people can remain in contact with one and another? What other forms of communication are prominent that keep the sense of "close-knit" group intact?
Question #2: Are literacies limited to only gospels found within the bible or are there other forms of literacies, e.g. personal narratives/testimonies that would fortify the lesson?
Peer review of Emily Nakis' paper:
ReplyDelete1. The purpose of this paragraph is to give a brief history of the swimming facility and show their qualifications as a business. She supports the paragraph by stating their goals for students, staff, and parents and also how they benefit the community. She lets us know that she is an employee there so that helps with giving us more background knowledge. She talks about the owner and his specific goals and that supports the main purpose of the paragraph.
2. The purpose of this paragraph is to give the author’s relationship with the company and explain how she went about conducting her research. She supports the paragraph by stating that she works for them and picked up a few shifts while she was home for spring break. She gives her history with the company and tells how she got interested in delving into the company.
3. The purpose of this paragraph is to explain how she began observing the community and the first people she encountered. It then goes into the first realization of how students and their instructors interacted. She supports the paragraph by showing how the instructors set up and then using the interaction with Caitlin and Connor as an example. The paragraph includes lots of examples of how they make the environment friendly and inviting, so no more are needed.
4. The purpose of this paragraph is to show how the environment and ways of communication caters to the student’s learning. She supports the paragraph by talking about the language used and how they offer questions with choices rather than yes or no questions to get the students more involved. Details and examples are implemented very well and the paragraph serves its purpose excellently.
5. The purpose of this paragraph is to introduce the swim instructor that she interviewed to support her research. She supports the paragraph by stating her initial questions for Nicole. Though the paragraph is short, it doesn’t need any more evidence or analysis, because it serves as an introduction to her interview with Nicole.
6. The purpose of this paragraph is to give information about the interviewee and her techniques for teaching different age groups. She supports the paragraph by stating her qualifications as a previous competitive swimmer and telling us that she has students from six months old to adults. She includes Nicole’s answer to her initial questions and gives examples of how she approaches lessons teaching different age groups which helps support the paragraph’s topic.
7. The purpose of this paragraph is to give examples of the interviewee’s techniques and show how she uses positive reinforcement. She supports the paragraph by giving an example of two year old Sophia and how Nicole praised her for her success. The people along the pool deck also cheered on each student which helped show the positive reinforcement in the lessons.
8. The purpose of this paragraph is to recap the techniques used and show her realization of the main goal of the company. She supports the paragraph by listing the techniques as using a level of understanding, demonstration, encouragement, and praise, and then lists the main goal as helping students reach their full potential, make friends, and learn important lifesaving skills. These all help support the purpose very well and get the point across very thoroughly.
ReplyDelete9. The purpose of this paragraph is to show how the instructors maintain a positive relationship with the parents. She supports the paragraph by showing how the instructors are there after each lesson and the purpose they serve. They are always there for the parents to answer any questions that they have and work together to bring the child to their ultimate potential.
10. The purpose of this paragraph is to show how she, as a current instructor, observed new techniques and interactions she was unfamiliar with before. She supports the paragraph by restating the things she encountered. It doesn’t go that far beyond that, but its purpose is to wrap up her experiences, so it works.
11. The purpose of this paragraph is to reflect on her experience and show how grateful she is to have had it and help her realize that she picked the right major. She supports the paragraph by stating how she changed her major in college and was unsure if she did the right thing. After the experience it reassured her that she had done the right thing. She elaborates on this and it helps support her purpose.
The third, fourth, sixth, seventh, eighth, and eleventh paragraph are the most effective in my opinion. They don’t just list what she observed, but analyze everything and show what she has learned and concluded from these experiences. The first, second, fifth, ninth, and tenth paragraph help either introduce or conclude a topic or idea that she is addressing. It goes into detail, though, to explain it and give us more insight than just stating it. I think the paper was written very well, aside from a few excess commas, and there is no need for improvement besides that. What works well is that she goes beyond just telling us what is necessary, and reflects upon each situation she encountered while observing the community and that is apparent in each of the effective paragraphs. The paper also flows smoothly, and her transitions are subtle.
The main point or theme in her essay is that her community that she observed does way more than just teaching students how to swim, they have a lot of goals that they aim to reach with each student and it’s not as easy as it seems.
Questions:
1. Did you already know a lot of these things before since you have worked there for two years? Like talking to parents after lessons and approaching different age groups in multiple ways?
2. How does Just Swim offer the community a piece of mind and a safe future? Did you mean by learning to swim? Or that it was a hidden curriculum kind of thing?
Part 1)
ReplyDeleteAthletic Training has been around for many years, since the Greek civilizations. I was lucky enough to have the community I was most interested in handed to me. Being a part of the universities softball team definitely allowed me to get a better understanding of what I would be doing once I graduated from college and started my PT career. Being an Athletic Trainer can take a lot of work, especially when dealing with 24 athletes. As I was studying the community of the softball team and athletic trainers, I noticed a sense of family within our community. Everyone was encouraging and caring to one another. With this project I started by taking simple notes on the team in general, how we communicated with each other on and off the field. After I got a good sense of understanding from that point I started to get more involved in the community of the Athletic Trainers. They were more interesting to study because every day was different, it wasn’t just softball players that they had to tend to, other athletes came to them for assistance in injuries. As an athlete, having our trainers available to us at anytime is a great source that we are thankful for. While being a part of this community I noticed that we have many younger kids that look up to us. This is something that we never thought would happen if we tried to imagine it just a couple years back. As a community the team is a family and different than any other organization that I could have chosen to study.
As I was taking my field notes on the UCF softball team and staff, I noticed that it was not only a team but a second family between the players. They communicated in ways as if you thought they were together their whole lives. Their language was different than if you were talking to people on the outside of this community. The thing that keeps us healthy and running well are our athletic trainers. When I graduate from college, I want to become a physical therapist so observing this community is definitely a benefit for myself. I noticed that every second of the day the trainers are making sure each athlete is healthy and fit. They start the day off by doing treatment and rehab.
Part 2)
ReplyDeleteThis can last hours because there are so many of us that need things done before we go out to practice. For 3 other girls and myself, we have ankle problems, so every day we go in to get treatment with our trainers. They use terms that I do not understand yet like US, STEM, HM, and many more. These are tools they use to help strengthen our ankles and take any swelling that is caught up out as well. Seeing what the trainers have to go through every day at our practices in a way excites me. I get so interested in what they do that I try to get in on the action as well. Watching the trainer’s tape players ankles or wrist is something I have already picked up just by watching them each day. I interviewed one of our main trainers Olivia Jackson, and I asked her simple questions that I would want to know. Some being, What her best days were, What her worst days were and What keeps her going when things get stressful. She gave me answers that were very encouraging in my decision of wanting to do this after I graduate.
While observing this softball community I noticed that our trainers not only worked with us but also worked with other athletes, ranging from football to volleyball or even cheerleading. The relationship with the others teams is different than the ones had with the softball community. With the other teams there was more of an all work and no play type of relation. Unlike with us there is a joking manner and laughing going on while still getting the work done. I thought that this was very interesting to find out. I noticed that I will not be close to every athlete I end up working with, like the trainers we have here. They have showed me that you have to be able to work with everyone and anyone in order to be successful in this field. Some people may be rude at times or your best friend at other times. So a patient and easy going personality is definitely needed to be an athletic trainer or physical therapist.
The experience I have got from observing our softball community as a whole has been a very inviting one. I found out that the more you work with some people the closer they get and the better your job is because you have made friends that you get to work with every day, so the job becomes some sort of hang out session. After taking notes and watching each day how our trainers and athletes communicate, I have become surer of wanting to do this work field for the rest of my life. Athletic training is not for everyone but I know that it is for me once I finished this project.
Review for Sophie Howard's paper:
ReplyDeleteParagraph one)
In this paragraph you showed a great range of excitement and dedication to get this community as the one you wanted to observe. When I read this first paragraph I could not wait to keep on reading to find out more on you observation of this community. Giving the things you wanted to observe within the community of the UCF trainers was a great way to get your paper going. I give this a 6/6 because it kept my interest and was a great starting introduction.
Paragraph two)
Following your intro with a brief historical background of the UCF athletic training community was a great idea. It showed me more about this community as a whole and gave me a better understanding of how long this community has been around for. Showing that you did research and attempted to find the founders of this community definitely gave me a reassurance that you know what you are talking about from observing this community of people. The way you explained the community of UCF was a good thing because it shows athletes that our staff is caring and easy to go to if anything come up. I give this paragraph a 6/6 also because it was detailed and flowed nicely.
Paragraph three)
This was a very strong paragraph. You gave a lot of detail and showed that you have some experience from your anatomy class that you have taken. This paragraph definitely kept me interested because you gave an example of someone being treated while you were doing your observation. I was curious as to what the trainer was going to tell the athlete. Once he diagnosed the girl and did treatment I felt as if I were in the room with you. You did a great job on this paragraph with all the detail and information that you stuck in there. I was very in to this section of your paper. I score this a 6/6 because it was so well written and the example was great.
Paragraph four)
I thought it was pretty interesting that you were able to get into one of the Athletic trainers meeting with the board and other trainers. This section was filled with information on wht the trainers talk about in their meetings. I would have never known that they talk about recent injuries and that they get together to come up with a plan to get that athlete back in shape so that they could perform to their best ability again. It was very cool that you met the women in charge of the community, Ms. Schoen. This was another very strong paragraph because you got to go in to a meeting with all those trainers and got up close to what a meeting is like. You received another 6/6 on this part.
Paragraph five)
Your dedication to interviewing Leah Schoen was great! You have asked some great questions in your interview. Getting all that information back from Ms. Schoen will definitely help you in the future. You did a great job on the interview and received some great answers back. It seems like the interview went very smoothly and that she gave you some great answers as well. This section got a 6/6.
Part 4.3-5.2)
This last section of your paper was very engaging. I found myself reading through without looking away. You had a very strong end to your paper. All in all your observation was very successful and had me interested all the way through. I felt like I learned a lot more about the UCF athletic training community and actually helped me decide whether this field was for me or not just by reading your paper. I enjoyed reading each part of this work you did and it didn’t lose my attention once. You did a great job on this project and you knew what you were talking about. I give you a 6/6.